Question: I am a woman in my mid forties and I think a 26 year-old co-worker of my husband’s wants to have sex with me. How do I know for sure? What are the signs a man gives? …Joy
Answer: First let me say, that if you suspect that a man you know wants to have sex with you, chances are you're right. For the most part, it is pretty much automatic that if a guy finds you attractive he has at least considered the possibility of having sex with you. Now, of course, if you or he are involved in other relationships, then fantasizing about exploring your "inner space" may be as far as he's willing to take it. There are, however, a large number of men who won't be in the least deterred by your seeming lack of availability, much less their own. To these guys, a wedding ring (yours or theirs) is just another piece of jewelry. It's hardly more than a tiny speed-bump on the road to your vagina.
So what are the specific signs that you are on his "to-do" list? Well, every man is different, but there certainly are some behaviors that are more or less universal to a man-with-a-mission.
1) If he goes out of his way to initiate lengthy conversation with you and seems to hang on your every word
2) If he compliments you excessively
3) If he is overtly flirtatious
4) If he guides your conversation into a provocative or sexual area
5) If he touches you frequently while talking to you
6) If he makes suggestive remarks to you that you wouldn’t feel comfortable having your husband hear
7) If he suggests you “get together” to “talk” sometime
8) If his eyes have been surveying your body like a thief trying to find your most vulnerable “point-of-entry”
Of course any of these things could be innocent, but more-often-than-not they indicate a sexually motivated agenda: He finds you attractive for any number of reasons and wants to get naked with you.
The question then becomes, “What should you do about it? Should you throw caution to the wind and go for it?” My advice would be a resounding “no.” I’ll forgo moralizing over the betrayal of your marriage vows, which may or may not be important to you. That’s between you and your conscience. On a more practical level, however, other than a short-lived “sexual high,” what’s in this for you? Twenty-six-year-old men aren’t typically interested in long-term relationships. He is likely looking for a hot, sweaty encounter with an “older” woman. Very exotic for him, but not something that will have any longevity or depth. Are you willing to risk your relationship with your husband to taste that forbidden fruit? Sure, people do it all the time (especially men), but the fallout can devastate a marriage.
But maybe you’re thinking, “If we’re careful, nobody will find out.” Good luck with that. Since you indicated he is a co-worker of your husband’s, I am not optimistic about your chances of keeping a clandestine fling secret. Your admirer’s regular workplace interaction with your husband creates an enormous risk of exposure of any covert “under-cover” work you and your lover are engaged in. And even if he and you are vigilant in your efforts not to “slip up” in front of your husband, you still have to manage to stay under the radar of that incredibly effective information super highway - the office gossip machine. This all-knowing, all-seeing, shadowy web of intelligence-gathering should never be underestimated. Their information, though often based primarily on speculation and conjecture, is still uncannily accurate, and can undermine your best efforts to “keep a lid” on your extracurricular activities. And that kind of exposure may not only jeopardize your relationship with both men, it can cause such disruption in the workplace that it could possibly lead to one or both men having to terminate their employment.
My best advice is to be flattered by the attention and let it go at that. If you give him no encouragement, he is likely to move on. Both of you will still be free to fantasize about what “could have been,” which in many cases is a lot steamier (and certainly safer) than the tawdry reality of “taking a walk on the wild side.”
© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
She Wants Sex...But He's Not Interested
Question: I am 43 and I think I look pretty hot! My husband hardly touches me, but I see him touching his private part when I am not there and when I catch him and he looks at me, he does not look like he wants to even try to have sex with me…Why is he doing that? And he says he loves me and blah, blah, blah...I am about to give up! …Pam
Answer: Generally speaking, if a man is sexually able to perform, he will not turn down sex with his partner. Why then is your guy avoiding you, even though you're hot AND hot-to-trot? There could be several reasons:
1) There is something else within your relationship that he is very unhappy about and is avoiding sex with you because of it. Although this is more common with women than with men, there are still some men who won't perform if they're feeling alienated or angry.
2) You've changed in some major way (either physically or attitudinally) and he is unhappy or uncomfortable with that change.
3) He has performance anxiety due to some condition that he hasn't disclosed to you.
4) He's "getting it" somewhere else.
5) He finds sex with you less-than-fulfilling. This is usually not the case, since for most men, any sex, even bad sex, is better than no sex.
6) He has questions about his sexual preferences.
Any of the above could, in fact, be the cause of his avoidance of intimacy with you. And the fact that you discovered him masturbating means nothing. He's just pleasuring himself because he needs the release, and for whatever reason is unwilling to approach you. So my advice is that YOU approach HIM. Take the initiative and seduce him and see how he reacts. Tell him you want to please him and ask him to tell you as graphically as possible how you can do that. Then follow his instructions to the letter. If that doesn't re-awaken his desire for you, then it's time for you to initiate a serious talk to find out what is going on. So one way or another, at least you'll know where you stand.
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Answer: Generally speaking, if a man is sexually able to perform, he will not turn down sex with his partner. Why then is your guy avoiding you, even though you're hot AND hot-to-trot? There could be several reasons:
1) There is something else within your relationship that he is very unhappy about and is avoiding sex with you because of it. Although this is more common with women than with men, there are still some men who won't perform if they're feeling alienated or angry.
2) You've changed in some major way (either physically or attitudinally) and he is unhappy or uncomfortable with that change.
3) He has performance anxiety due to some condition that he hasn't disclosed to you.
4) He's "getting it" somewhere else.
5) He finds sex with you less-than-fulfilling. This is usually not the case, since for most men, any sex, even bad sex, is better than no sex.
6) He has questions about his sexual preferences.
Any of the above could, in fact, be the cause of his avoidance of intimacy with you. And the fact that you discovered him masturbating means nothing. He's just pleasuring himself because he needs the release, and for whatever reason is unwilling to approach you. So my advice is that YOU approach HIM. Take the initiative and seduce him and see how he reacts. Tell him you want to please him and ask him to tell you as graphically as possible how you can do that. Then follow his instructions to the letter. If that doesn't re-awaken his desire for you, then it's time for you to initiate a serious talk to find out what is going on. So one way or another, at least you'll know where you stand.
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Why Men Cheat
Generally speaking, men cheat because they have the opportunity. That doesn’t mean that a guy will definitely cheat just because he has the chance, but rather that availability of a ready and willing partner is the primary motivator in moving men toward infidelity. And they may be unfaithful, even if they are perfectly content in their relationship with their significant other. In other words, their cheating is not reflective of how they feel about you. It simply indicates their unwillingness to exercise a little discipline and resist temptation – no matter how into you they may be. I repeat, they may cheat even if they are incredibly happy in their relationship with you and you have an incredible sex life. It is not a failing on your part or indication that there is something fundamentally wrong in your relationship. It has to do with the fact that monogamy is counter-intuitive for men, and therefore committing to have sex forever-after with one woman and only one woman is a challenge. And that challenge is one that many men are just not up to.
So what can you do to absolutely insure your guy won’t stray? Precious little. There is no product warranty on guys. His fidelity is based on his ability to embrace monogamy, no matter how unnatural it may seem to him. If he wins that battle, you have a faithful partner. It’s as simple as that.
That being said, not all men are equal in the potential-for-cheating department. Guys tend to fall into one of three groups: 1) Those who are open to the possibility, itching to cheat, or actively pursuing “extracurricular activity”; 2) Those who like to think they wouldn’t cheat, but who can and do succumb when opportunity knocks (by far, the largest group); and 3) Those who have the discipline to resist temptation…even when opportunity is present. For this group, remaining faithful is a matter of honor. Betraying you would be betraying themselves, and they will avoid doing that at almost any cost.
Obviously, the men in group number one are a lost cause. These unrepentant horndogs will cheat. Period. If there is no opportunity they will make one. What you do or don’t do is of no consequence. It is not, however, so cut-and-dried for group number two. While they are certainly vulnerable to temptation, if they are satisfied in their relationships they are unlikely to go on the prowl. Sure, if something (or someone) drops into their laps, they may give in to their desire, but their happiness with you and their relationship (and to no small extent, their sex life) may give them strong incentive to resist. Conversely, if they feel unfulfilled in their relationship, they are likely to use their dissatisfaction as an excuse to cheat. While this is obviously a rationalization, it is all many men in this group need to justify doing what their penis is prompting them to do anyway. In group number three, however, the opposite is the case. Short of physical and mental abuse, these guys will remain faithful almost to a fault. And while that is certainly an admirable quality, their dogged adherence to a strict moral code could annoying extend to other parts of their life, including areas in which you might rightly wish they were a bit more flexible.
So, as you see, groups one and three are virtually unfazed by what you say or do. Group two, however, may be influenced by lack of contentment in their relationship, but contentment alone is not enough to guarantee their fidelity. This group would be wise to avoid situations that would test their ability to resist temptation. And while I know this may not be what you wanted to hear, knowing the truth about men allows you to make informed decisions about who you choose to associate with and what you can reasonably expect from them.
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
So what can you do to absolutely insure your guy won’t stray? Precious little. There is no product warranty on guys. His fidelity is based on his ability to embrace monogamy, no matter how unnatural it may seem to him. If he wins that battle, you have a faithful partner. It’s as simple as that.
That being said, not all men are equal in the potential-for-cheating department. Guys tend to fall into one of three groups: 1) Those who are open to the possibility, itching to cheat, or actively pursuing “extracurricular activity”; 2) Those who like to think they wouldn’t cheat, but who can and do succumb when opportunity knocks (by far, the largest group); and 3) Those who have the discipline to resist temptation…even when opportunity is present. For this group, remaining faithful is a matter of honor. Betraying you would be betraying themselves, and they will avoid doing that at almost any cost.
Obviously, the men in group number one are a lost cause. These unrepentant horndogs will cheat. Period. If there is no opportunity they will make one. What you do or don’t do is of no consequence. It is not, however, so cut-and-dried for group number two. While they are certainly vulnerable to temptation, if they are satisfied in their relationships they are unlikely to go on the prowl. Sure, if something (or someone) drops into their laps, they may give in to their desire, but their happiness with you and their relationship (and to no small extent, their sex life) may give them strong incentive to resist. Conversely, if they feel unfulfilled in their relationship, they are likely to use their dissatisfaction as an excuse to cheat. While this is obviously a rationalization, it is all many men in this group need to justify doing what their penis is prompting them to do anyway. In group number three, however, the opposite is the case. Short of physical and mental abuse, these guys will remain faithful almost to a fault. And while that is certainly an admirable quality, their dogged adherence to a strict moral code could annoying extend to other parts of their life, including areas in which you might rightly wish they were a bit more flexible.
So, as you see, groups one and three are virtually unfazed by what you say or do. Group two, however, may be influenced by lack of contentment in their relationship, but contentment alone is not enough to guarantee their fidelity. This group would be wise to avoid situations that would test their ability to resist temptation. And while I know this may not be what you wanted to hear, knowing the truth about men allows you to make informed decisions about who you choose to associate with and what you can reasonably expect from them.
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Online Dating Dilemma
Question: This gentleman expressed interest in me via email and we began emailing to get to know each other. 3 weeks into the emails – we decided to meet. The night before our “date” – his Dad had a heart attack…needless to say the date was cancelled. We continued emailing for a couple more weeks and talking about meeting but he was different and then he just said he couldn’t do this anymore. He said it wasn’t anything I did…did he just run away…was it dealing with family issues? I just don’t know and it really shook my confidence because we had gotten very close thru our emails. Thoughts? ...Robin
Answer: From what you have told me, I see two possible reasons for your gentleman friend to have acted the way he did: 1) His whole world was thrown into an uproar because of his father’s heart attack, which caused him to re-evaluate his life, loves, career and direction. Unable to come to terms with the sudden emotional upheaval in his life, he decided to withdraw from interpersonal interaction until he could “put the pieces back together” and make sense of his current situation and his future; or 2) He enjoyed your online relationship/flirtation, but was either afraid of or uninterested in taking it to “the next level.”
Of course, both are reasonable explanations – two perfectly plausible motivations that precipitated his actions. That said, if I were a betting man (which, by the way, I am), I’d be going “all-in” on reason number 2. Why? Because I find it a bit too coincidental that his father’s heart attack occurred the night before you two were supposed to meet. Sure, it may have happened, but I believe the timing is a bit suspect. It seems far more likely that he came up with a very strong excuse to cancel your date, and then realizing that re-scheduling was an inevitability, decided to make himself scarce before he had to once again deal with actually meeting you in person.
But why would he act that way, when online he seemed so interesting and interested? Well, there are several possibilities. Perhaps he is not what he represented himself to be. Online, he could be handsome, tall, and athletic – the perfect male specimen. In person, he might be three hundred pounds, missing a few teeth, and reeking of body order and Old Spice. Online, he could be witty, insightful, and articulate. In the flesh, he could be painfully awkward, unable to string together a cogent sentence, let alone participate in meaningful conversation. Other possibilities abound. He may be significantly older or younger than he let on. He may be married or otherwise involved, and online romance is fine (in his mind, anyway), but actually meeting you is “crossing the line.” He may be having these kind of communications with many different women and is completely fulfilled by his email adventures. He may be in prison. Or he may not even be a man. The bottom line is this: Online relationships allow the participants to be whoever they want to be. In person, you are who you are. I believe that, for whatever reason, he just didn’t want you to see who he really was. Of course the irony of it all is that had he been honest with you from the start, perhaps you would have been just as attracted to the man as he actually was, warts and all. Unfortunately, you and he will never know.
On a positive note (I always try to find one – cockeyed optimist that I am), this truly appears to be a case of “it’s not you, it’s me.” It doesn’t seem like you said or did anything wrong. Thus, there is absolutely no reason to beat yourself up or lose one iota of self-confidence. He ran away – not from you, but from the truth. And that’s not your fault; it’s his…and his loss, as well.
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Answer: From what you have told me, I see two possible reasons for your gentleman friend to have acted the way he did: 1) His whole world was thrown into an uproar because of his father’s heart attack, which caused him to re-evaluate his life, loves, career and direction. Unable to come to terms with the sudden emotional upheaval in his life, he decided to withdraw from interpersonal interaction until he could “put the pieces back together” and make sense of his current situation and his future; or 2) He enjoyed your online relationship/flirtation, but was either afraid of or uninterested in taking it to “the next level.”
Of course, both are reasonable explanations – two perfectly plausible motivations that precipitated his actions. That said, if I were a betting man (which, by the way, I am), I’d be going “all-in” on reason number 2. Why? Because I find it a bit too coincidental that his father’s heart attack occurred the night before you two were supposed to meet. Sure, it may have happened, but I believe the timing is a bit suspect. It seems far more likely that he came up with a very strong excuse to cancel your date, and then realizing that re-scheduling was an inevitability, decided to make himself scarce before he had to once again deal with actually meeting you in person.
But why would he act that way, when online he seemed so interesting and interested? Well, there are several possibilities. Perhaps he is not what he represented himself to be. Online, he could be handsome, tall, and athletic – the perfect male specimen. In person, he might be three hundred pounds, missing a few teeth, and reeking of body order and Old Spice. Online, he could be witty, insightful, and articulate. In the flesh, he could be painfully awkward, unable to string together a cogent sentence, let alone participate in meaningful conversation. Other possibilities abound. He may be significantly older or younger than he let on. He may be married or otherwise involved, and online romance is fine (in his mind, anyway), but actually meeting you is “crossing the line.” He may be having these kind of communications with many different women and is completely fulfilled by his email adventures. He may be in prison. Or he may not even be a man. The bottom line is this: Online relationships allow the participants to be whoever they want to be. In person, you are who you are. I believe that, for whatever reason, he just didn’t want you to see who he really was. Of course the irony of it all is that had he been honest with you from the start, perhaps you would have been just as attracted to the man as he actually was, warts and all. Unfortunately, you and he will never know.
On a positive note (I always try to find one – cockeyed optimist that I am), this truly appears to be a case of “it’s not you, it’s me.” It doesn’t seem like you said or did anything wrong. Thus, there is absolutely no reason to beat yourself up or lose one iota of self-confidence. He ran away – not from you, but from the truth. And that’s not your fault; it’s his…and his loss, as well.
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Monday, November 3, 2008
A Little Q & A
Question: I just got back into the single life again after 12 years of marriage. Though I am much better off for it, this whole single scene is really confusing and scary to me. My friends & family are encouraging me to move on and get back out there. When I did, I met this very attractive man who currently works at a jazz club I hang out in/play drums for. Each week, he kept watching me from a distance with what seemed great interest. At first I tried to act like I did not notice, but when I would start to look his way and catch him, he would smile really big, blush, look away, only to look my way again a few seconds later. As I would come into the club, he would greet me with a big smile, and hold my attention with a long welcoming glance.
He would come up to my friends/band members to get to know them as if he was trying to learn/show interest in my world. As he would talk to them he would look at me with a big smile and gleam in his eyes. Soon he would approach me, and start flirting with me (paying me complements on my hair, dress, etc.). After a month of doing this, he would then reach out for my hands and hold them for a bit and kiss them before either he or I would leave for the night. Yet, he did not ask for my phone number (much less my name) after all this time and effort. Nor did we really talk about personal things, just made small talk.
So one night I stopped in on my own to see the band play on my night off and he happened to be there with his folks for dinner and drinks. I caught him in his casual attire of shorts and a tee-shirt (which I am not accustomed to seeing), but still thought he looked nice. Though he waved me over, he acted very nervous and asked what I was doing there. Though he did informally introduce me to his folks, I felt he did not seem comfortable with this scene. So I tried to respect this and just politely said hello to them instead of trying to start up a conversation like he would have done with my friends. I then chatted with him briefly and before I went to go sit down, he flirted with me right in front of them. Yet, by the time I came in 3 days later to play in the band, he did not welcome me. In fact, he completely ignored me! It was not until 20 + minutes later that he approached me and he was very formal about it. The smiling stopped, the flirting stopped, etc. I then invited him over for a drink after his shift to talk for a bit (in hopes of getting to know him and find out what his game is).
We talked for a bit as he rushed through his drink. He was telling me his plans for the future and what is going on with him, then mentioned that he had met a girl a month ago (Thinking he meant me at first as we met around the same time). He proceeded to say, “We’ve just been talking mostly, but it looks to be serious.” I then realized it was not me he was speaking of, but someone else. When I asked him about it, he confirmed my suspicion that, yes, he had a new girlfriend. Yet after telling me this, he proceeded to tell me where he lives, what shift he works, what his goals are and some of his interests, which are some of the same as mine (which he knew).
If he was so interested in this “girlfriend” and it is “serious” as he stated, then why was he flirting, telling me all about himself and his future plans? Did he really have a girlfriend or is he making this up? If he is making this up, why and what did I miss? ...Jennifer W.
Answer: In general, men flirt with a woman for several reasons: 1) They are attracted to her ; 2) They are flirts and get off on the attention; 3) They are attracted to her and they get off on the attention; 4) See #1. In other words, generally speaking, except for the random fatally insecure attention-whore guy, men flirt with women because they are interested in them. However, and this is a big "however," having interest in a woman does not mean they have interest in having a relationship with that woman. More often than not, their interest is in getting to know her in the biblical sense. Then, if things go well, their interest in having a relationship might develop.
I believe the guy you wrote about was attracted to you. And as long as it was simply a flirtation everything was cool for him. It seems that the turning point came when he encountered you unexpectedly when he was with his folks. After that, you said, everything changed. Here is what I think might have happened: If, in fact, he was seeing another woman, perhaps he had mentioned it to his parents. Maybe after you left, they questioned why he was so obviously flirting with another woman (you), when he was involved with someone else. Perhaps they made him feel guilty for not only treating his girlfriend with such disregard as to openly and very publicly flirt with another woman, but also for being insensitive to your feelings by misleading you as to his true intentions. After that, his disclosure to you about his girlfriend and his personal information, was his was of clearing the slate, "doing the right thing," and making you aware of the truth about his intentions. In other words, he told you all of that so that you would be discouraged from pursuing him in a romantic way.
OR, maybe he does not really have another "girlfriend," and was enjoying what he considered a harmless flirtation with you, until his parents called him on it. Maybe they could sense how into him you were, and felt that his ingenuous behavior was reprehensible. So, to save face, he came up with the girlfriend excuse so that you wouldn't be further misled.
Of course there is always the possibility that he is gay, and that the whole flirtation thing was a way for him to assert his "straightness" in a very public way so that his "secret" might remain safe. You were his unknowing "beard," until things went too far and it appeared to his parents (or him) that you might actually be developing feelings for him. I do not think this is the case, but I would be remiss if I didn't consider this as, at least, a possibility.
The bottom line is: When a guy who has previously been flirtatious, starts telling you personal details about himself and his girlfriend, he is sending out a not-so-subtle message that he has taken romance between the two of you off the table. He is making it clear that he is unavailable - and the pursuit of unavailable men is a frustrating, painful exercise in futility. Avoid such endeavors at all cost. Your heart will thank you.
And though you may have the urge to question what you did wrong, in this particular case, I believe you are completely blameless. You didn't misread the signals - he was pretty obviously showing you special attention. You simply assumed that his showing you attention meant he wanted to do with you what most guys who show you that kind of attention want to do with you. But in this odd, very uncommon instance, that apparently was not his motivation. Or even if it was initially, something changed (again - not your fault or reflective of anything negative in you) that caused him to rethink his pursuit of you.
All that being said, do not let this one confusing and ultimately unsatisfying experience sour you on "getting back out there." I assure you that most of the men that show you attention and flirt with you want to kiss more than your hands. On that I would stake my reputation!
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
He would come up to my friends/band members to get to know them as if he was trying to learn/show interest in my world. As he would talk to them he would look at me with a big smile and gleam in his eyes. Soon he would approach me, and start flirting with me (paying me complements on my hair, dress, etc.). After a month of doing this, he would then reach out for my hands and hold them for a bit and kiss them before either he or I would leave for the night. Yet, he did not ask for my phone number (much less my name) after all this time and effort. Nor did we really talk about personal things, just made small talk.
So one night I stopped in on my own to see the band play on my night off and he happened to be there with his folks for dinner and drinks. I caught him in his casual attire of shorts and a tee-shirt (which I am not accustomed to seeing), but still thought he looked nice. Though he waved me over, he acted very nervous and asked what I was doing there. Though he did informally introduce me to his folks, I felt he did not seem comfortable with this scene. So I tried to respect this and just politely said hello to them instead of trying to start up a conversation like he would have done with my friends. I then chatted with him briefly and before I went to go sit down, he flirted with me right in front of them. Yet, by the time I came in 3 days later to play in the band, he did not welcome me. In fact, he completely ignored me! It was not until 20 + minutes later that he approached me and he was very formal about it. The smiling stopped, the flirting stopped, etc. I then invited him over for a drink after his shift to talk for a bit (in hopes of getting to know him and find out what his game is).
We talked for a bit as he rushed through his drink. He was telling me his plans for the future and what is going on with him, then mentioned that he had met a girl a month ago (Thinking he meant me at first as we met around the same time). He proceeded to say, “We’ve just been talking mostly, but it looks to be serious.” I then realized it was not me he was speaking of, but someone else. When I asked him about it, he confirmed my suspicion that, yes, he had a new girlfriend. Yet after telling me this, he proceeded to tell me where he lives, what shift he works, what his goals are and some of his interests, which are some of the same as mine (which he knew).
If he was so interested in this “girlfriend” and it is “serious” as he stated, then why was he flirting, telling me all about himself and his future plans? Did he really have a girlfriend or is he making this up? If he is making this up, why and what did I miss? ...Jennifer W.
Answer: In general, men flirt with a woman for several reasons: 1) They are attracted to her ; 2) They are flirts and get off on the attention; 3) They are attracted to her and they get off on the attention; 4) See #1. In other words, generally speaking, except for the random fatally insecure attention-whore guy, men flirt with women because they are interested in them. However, and this is a big "however," having interest in a woman does not mean they have interest in having a relationship with that woman. More often than not, their interest is in getting to know her in the biblical sense. Then, if things go well, their interest in having a relationship might develop.
I believe the guy you wrote about was attracted to you. And as long as it was simply a flirtation everything was cool for him. It seems that the turning point came when he encountered you unexpectedly when he was with his folks. After that, you said, everything changed. Here is what I think might have happened: If, in fact, he was seeing another woman, perhaps he had mentioned it to his parents. Maybe after you left, they questioned why he was so obviously flirting with another woman (you), when he was involved with someone else. Perhaps they made him feel guilty for not only treating his girlfriend with such disregard as to openly and very publicly flirt with another woman, but also for being insensitive to your feelings by misleading you as to his true intentions. After that, his disclosure to you about his girlfriend and his personal information, was his was of clearing the slate, "doing the right thing," and making you aware of the truth about his intentions. In other words, he told you all of that so that you would be discouraged from pursuing him in a romantic way.
OR, maybe he does not really have another "girlfriend," and was enjoying what he considered a harmless flirtation with you, until his parents called him on it. Maybe they could sense how into him you were, and felt that his ingenuous behavior was reprehensible. So, to save face, he came up with the girlfriend excuse so that you wouldn't be further misled.
Of course there is always the possibility that he is gay, and that the whole flirtation thing was a way for him to assert his "straightness" in a very public way so that his "secret" might remain safe. You were his unknowing "beard," until things went too far and it appeared to his parents (or him) that you might actually be developing feelings for him. I do not think this is the case, but I would be remiss if I didn't consider this as, at least, a possibility.
The bottom line is: When a guy who has previously been flirtatious, starts telling you personal details about himself and his girlfriend, he is sending out a not-so-subtle message that he has taken romance between the two of you off the table. He is making it clear that he is unavailable - and the pursuit of unavailable men is a frustrating, painful exercise in futility. Avoid such endeavors at all cost. Your heart will thank you.
And though you may have the urge to question what you did wrong, in this particular case, I believe you are completely blameless. You didn't misread the signals - he was pretty obviously showing you special attention. You simply assumed that his showing you attention meant he wanted to do with you what most guys who show you that kind of attention want to do with you. But in this odd, very uncommon instance, that apparently was not his motivation. Or even if it was initially, something changed (again - not your fault or reflective of anything negative in you) that caused him to rethink his pursuit of you.
All that being said, do not let this one confusing and ultimately unsatisfying experience sour you on "getting back out there." I assure you that most of the men that show you attention and flirt with you want to kiss more than your hands. On that I would stake my reputation!
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
CONFUSED ABOUT CHEATING HUBBY'S REMARK
Question: Okay, you self proclaimed guru, might be more than you wanna know, but my husband of almost 10 years recently ended an affair with a coworker. We're working through that, but- I was truly blown away by something he said to me a couple of days ago and you just might be the right guy to ask about it. One of the main reasons he was attracted to her, he says, is that she was positive and confident while I didn't seem to "care about" myself. This being evidenced, in his opinion, by the fact that I didn't care if I "fixed up" when I went somewhere.... Hmmm, and I thought that meant I was OK with me, but I guess not. So it's been about 5 months since we've started this 'work on our marriage' bit. I start nursing school in August and he made the statement that I'm prolly gonna run off with a rich Dr. (insert dumbfounded expression here-I'm not running off with a POOR one!) Anyway, I am trying to give the appearance of being confident and feeling good about myself when I tell him that "I'm gonna be so cute in my scrubs, they're ALL gonna want me!" To which he replies,"Don't think that highly of yourself Dana." Please understand, I'm not vain. I was joking. JOKING! And the truth of the matter is, he said he WANTED me to be more confident, even as he was pulling the rug out from under me with the epitome of "You're not good enoughs" by having an affair.
So my question is this:Why is it great for your girlfriend to be confident and present herself as thinking she's wonderful, but not your wife? Especially when you say that what you wanted?!?! Hope you can help me grasp the concept. Thanks SO much! Dana
Answer: First, you should know, Dana, that I while I don't condone your husband's infidelity, since you have agreed to move past it, I will not dwell on it. However, you should be aware that, different from women, men don't primarily have affairs because they are unhappy in their relationship with their significant others...they have them because the opportunity presents itself. While a man may be perfectly content in his relationship with his wife, the appeal of being physical with another woman is incredibly enticing. Why? Because men inherently crave variety in their sexual partners. The only thing they like better than sex...is sex with someone new. And no matter how wonderful you are in and out of bed, the one thing you cannot be is...someone new.
I mention all of this because it is likely that your husband straying has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you. It is far more a reflection on him, his desires and character. But what about his recent comments about you? How do those "fit in?" Very simply: It is those characteristics that she (the other woman) has that you don't that make her particularly attractive to him. Not that those traits are, by themselves appealing, but because they offer contrast to those he perceives you possess. In other words, it is this dissimilarity to you that make those differences especially appealing. So changing who you are (even if you wanted to), wouldn’t really accomplish anything.
But what about the fact that he said that you don't "fix up" when you go out? That actually may be related to another issue. And what is that issue? Quite often, as we get more and more comfortable in our relationships, we take less and less care with how we present ourselves to our spouse. It seems to be a natural progression and is equally common among men and women, with one significant difference. Men are primarily visually oriented. How you look is paramount to how much we are attracted to you. We're hard-wired to be stimulated by what we see. So if your "fixing up" makes you look more attractive to him, it is naturally something he desires you do as often as possible. And while this may not apply to you at all, if he perceives that in your 10 year together you have gradually "let yourself go," he may be harboring resentment that you no longer care enough about him to take care of yourself and make yourself desirable to him. And it doesn't matter if in that same decade he's gone from being a dreamboat to a gross, tub o' lard, he still associates your caring for your appearance as an indication of your love for him. Convoluted? Perhaps. But it's the way a man's mind often works.
Now, to a different, but related topic. Your husband's comments and actions indicate that he may, in fact, be feeling a little insecure about himself and his situation. Your entering nursing school may fuel within him some inner feelings of inadequacy. He may be feeling that rather than being a boon to your joint financial success, your newfound career will make you need him less. And it will put you into contact with upwardly-mobile, intelligent, attractive men who share a common interest with you. Your innocent joke may have inadvertently tossed gasoline on that fire, and his comment was his attempt to salve his singed ego by deflating yours. Also, nursing school is a big-time commitment. On some level he knows that for an extended period of time in the near future, you are going to be spending less time with him, making him less of a priority. It's only natural that would be the case, and intellectually he knows that. But emotionally, this may further add to his feelings of insecurity and abandonment. To offset this, I suggest that you reassure your husband that you're not interested in "talking shop" after a hard day's work in the medical trenches, so socializing with doctors is the last thing you'll be interested in doing. And while it's true that nursing school is going to require a time commitment on your part, your husband and your marriage are your priorities.
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
So my question is this:Why is it great for your girlfriend to be confident and present herself as thinking she's wonderful, but not your wife? Especially when you say that what you wanted?!?! Hope you can help me grasp the concept. Thanks SO much! Dana
Answer: First, you should know, Dana, that I while I don't condone your husband's infidelity, since you have agreed to move past it, I will not dwell on it. However, you should be aware that, different from women, men don't primarily have affairs because they are unhappy in their relationship with their significant others...they have them because the opportunity presents itself. While a man may be perfectly content in his relationship with his wife, the appeal of being physical with another woman is incredibly enticing. Why? Because men inherently crave variety in their sexual partners. The only thing they like better than sex...is sex with someone new. And no matter how wonderful you are in and out of bed, the one thing you cannot be is...someone new.
I mention all of this because it is likely that your husband straying has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you. It is far more a reflection on him, his desires and character. But what about his recent comments about you? How do those "fit in?" Very simply: It is those characteristics that she (the other woman) has that you don't that make her particularly attractive to him. Not that those traits are, by themselves appealing, but because they offer contrast to those he perceives you possess. In other words, it is this dissimilarity to you that make those differences especially appealing. So changing who you are (even if you wanted to), wouldn’t really accomplish anything.
But what about the fact that he said that you don't "fix up" when you go out? That actually may be related to another issue. And what is that issue? Quite often, as we get more and more comfortable in our relationships, we take less and less care with how we present ourselves to our spouse. It seems to be a natural progression and is equally common among men and women, with one significant difference. Men are primarily visually oriented. How you look is paramount to how much we are attracted to you. We're hard-wired to be stimulated by what we see. So if your "fixing up" makes you look more attractive to him, it is naturally something he desires you do as often as possible. And while this may not apply to you at all, if he perceives that in your 10 year together you have gradually "let yourself go," he may be harboring resentment that you no longer care enough about him to take care of yourself and make yourself desirable to him. And it doesn't matter if in that same decade he's gone from being a dreamboat to a gross, tub o' lard, he still associates your caring for your appearance as an indication of your love for him. Convoluted? Perhaps. But it's the way a man's mind often works.
Now, to a different, but related topic. Your husband's comments and actions indicate that he may, in fact, be feeling a little insecure about himself and his situation. Your entering nursing school may fuel within him some inner feelings of inadequacy. He may be feeling that rather than being a boon to your joint financial success, your newfound career will make you need him less. And it will put you into contact with upwardly-mobile, intelligent, attractive men who share a common interest with you. Your innocent joke may have inadvertently tossed gasoline on that fire, and his comment was his attempt to salve his singed ego by deflating yours. Also, nursing school is a big-time commitment. On some level he knows that for an extended period of time in the near future, you are going to be spending less time with him, making him less of a priority. It's only natural that would be the case, and intellectually he knows that. But emotionally, this may further add to his feelings of insecurity and abandonment. To offset this, I suggest that you reassure your husband that you're not interested in "talking shop" after a hard day's work in the medical trenches, so socializing with doctors is the last thing you'll be interested in doing. And while it's true that nursing school is going to require a time commitment on your part, your husband and your marriage are your priorities.
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
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