Monday, March 26, 2012

Men and Talking Dirty

As I have pointed out many times before, men are visual creatures.  We see something, and if we find it to be at all sexually appealing, we are apt to become aroused.  Consequently I think most would agree that sight is a primary sexual stimulator for the male of the species.  What may surprise many people is that the sense that stands second-in-line for the title of “most likely to create a ruckus in our lower regions” is…sound.  Sure touch is important to us - but that requires active participation by a partner (or in solitary times, by our own helping hand).  In the case of sound, however, sometimes all we have to do is hear something mildly provocative, whether intentionally or accidentally, to cause our penises to stand up and take notice.  And so powerful is this effect upon us, that what we hear doesn’t even have to be actual words or sentences.  Sometimes grunts, groans, pants or moans can impact us just as much.
It should come as no shock, therefore, that many men find “vocal” partners to be particularly exciting.  Hearing our sexual co-conspirator’s enthusiastic, extemporaneous verbal utterances gets us hot.  And if your gasps and heavy breathing are punctuated with brief, lewd language - so much the better.  In other words, many of us really get off on your talking dirty. 

It is important to note, however, when employing “naughty language,” that not all words are equally…potent.  Use of clinical terms like “penis,” “vagina,” “breasts,” “testicles,” or heaven forbid, “sexual intercourse,” while effectively communicating your meaning or desire, do very little to “heat things up” when spoken in the midst of an intimate encounter.  Rather it is the usually-forbidden terms, those four-letter vulgarities that are banned from the public airwaves, that prove to be the most effective and therefore, stimulating.  And in the language of passion, “brief” is always better.  “Lick me,”  “harder,” or “yeah, like that,” are always preferable to lengthier, perhaps more literate exclamations, like, “I find what you are doing to be quite stimulating and if you continue I sense a climax is in the offing.”  In other words, dirty talk should be quick, fun, obscene, often grammatically incorrect, and above all...nasty.  It is, in fact, the graphic, apparently unrestrained nature of these outbursts that is responsible for their “sizzle.”

It is interesting to note, that for some reason, even otherwise “innocent” terms can, when properly used, be sexually charged.  Unassuming words like, “wet,” “juicy,” “more” or “coming” can be totally titillating when correctly utilized in the heat of passion.  And while spritzing Fluffy with a hose will certainly annoy and anger your cat, in other circumstances exhortations about a wet pussy might have significantly more positive implications.

So what does all this mean?  Well, if you were looking to spice up your sex life, or make a hot encounter even steamier, you now have an additional tool in your sexual arsenal.  Or if you were just seeking further verification that men are “pervs” and get turned on by the weirdest stuff…your suspicions have unquestionably been confirmed.  In either case, you now know that any inclination you may have had to “add audio” to your lovemaking, is definitely “right-minded” as far as guys are concerned.  We applaud your asserting yourself and heartily encourage you to leave the silent majority and become the gutter-mouthed girl of our dreams.

© 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Things Men Love

A few months ago, I wrote a column about three things that men hate.  It was meant to illuminate those things that men generally feel negatively toward.  However, it may have erroneously created the impression that guys are discontented with their lives and possess a primarily negative world-view.  And honestly, nothing could be further from the truth.  So, in the interest of fair and even coverage of the mind and motivations of the male of the species, I want to explore the other side of things.  I’m talking about those things that men pretty much universally love.
Although it probably goes without saying, I am nonetheless going to mention the item that is Number One on the list of “our favorite things.”  And no, snowflakes, copper kettles and mittens of any fabric, do not make the cut.  As I’m sure you already suspected, the topper of our “want list” is…sex.  It’s what we consider the perfect pastime. In fact, guys spend more time whiling away the hours joyously contemplating what they optimistically perceive as the unlimited sexual possibilities that exist for them in the world.  And while their expectations and fantasies ultimately prove to be hopelessly unrealistic, their enthusiasm will not be diminished one iota.  Men love sex… all sex - good, bad or mediocre (though we prefer “good”).  In fact, if you gave men the choice of either giving up sex or their right arm, the world would be filled with guys nicknamed “lefty.”

It may surprise you to learn that all our wants and desires aren’t completely frivolous.  Also high on our list is our love for being able to successfully provide for ourselves and our families.  Men are very goal oriented, and our biggest goal is to be a successful provider.  In many ways it defines who we are.  If we are able to supply the things our families need, we feel good about ourselves.  And the more we can exceed the minimum necessities the more contented we become.  Conversely, a man who is unable to meet his family’s needs, regardless of the reason, feels, at best, ill-at-ease, and at worst, an abject failure.  Rightly or wrongly men derive their self respect from their economic accomplishments.  So it only makes sense that our success in this area would be something we would greatly prize.

What else do we like?  Gadgets.  We are oddly attracted to anything that does something cool.  No matter how impractical, unnecessary, or fiscally foolish a device is, if it accomplishes some mundane task in a new and interesting way, through chemistry, electronics or simple mechanics, we are inextricably drawn to it.  And if it has lots of flashing lights, our credit cards are literally leaping out of our wallets.  Why are we fascinated by gadgets?  Who knows.  I’m not even certain anyone has seriously explored this topic.  But that doesn’t change the fact that one of the simple truths about us is that boys really love their toys.  And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

And finally, guys love any odor produced by their own bodies.  That statement is self-explanatory and deserves no elaboration.   Bizarre? Yes.  Icky?  Definitely.  True?  You betcha.

The items mentioned above are but the tip of the iceberg of the things that cause men to bound out of bed each morning with enthusiasm for the new day and a zest for life in general. And though the complete list is rather extensive, I promise to elaborate on it more fully at some point in the future.  Oh, and did I mention…men really love sex? 

© 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.