Men and Talking Dirty

As I have pointed out many times before, men are visual creatures.  We see something, and if we find it to be at all sexually appealing, we are apt to become aroused.  Consequently I think most would agree that sight is a primary sexual stimulator for the male of the species.  What may surprise many people is that the sense that stands second-in-line for the title of “most likely to create a ruckus in our lower regions” is…sound.  Sure touch is important to us - but that requires active participation by a partner (or in solitary times, by our own helping hand).  In the case of sound, however, sometimes all we have to do is hear something mildly provocative, whether intentionally or accidentally, to cause our penises to stand up and take notice.  And so powerful is this effect upon us, that what we hear doesn’t even have to be actual words or sentences.  Sometimes grunts, groans, pants or moans can impact us just as much.

It should come as no shock, therefore, that many men find “vocal” partners to be particularly exciting.  Hearing our sexual co-conspirator’s enthusiastic, extemporaneous verbal utterances gets us hot.  And if your gasps and heavy breathing are punctuated with brief, lewd language - so much the better.  In other words, many of us really get off on your talking dirty. 

It is important to note, however, when employing “naughty language,” that not all words are equally…potent.  Use of clinical terms like “penis,” “vagina,” “breasts,” “testicles,” or heaven forbid, “sexual intercourse,” while effectively communicating your meaning or desire, do very little to “heat things up” when spoken in the midst of an intimate encounter.  Rather it is the usually-forbidden terms, those four-letter vulgarities that are banned from the public airwaves, that prove to be the most effective and therefore, stimulating.  And in the language of passion, “brief” is always better.  “Lick me,”  “harder,” or “yeah, like that,” are always preferable to lengthier, perhaps more literate exclamations, like, “I find what you are doing to be quite stimulating and if you continue I sense a climax is in the offing.”  In other words, dirty talk should be quick, fun, obscene, often grammatically incorrect, and above all...nasty.  It is, in fact, the graphic, apparently unrestrained nature of these outbursts that is responsible for their “sizzle.”

It is interesting to note, that for some reason, even otherwise “innocent” terms can, when properly used, be sexually charged.  Unassuming words like, “wet,” “juicy,” “more” or “coming” can be totally titillating when correctly utilized in the heat of passion.  And while spritzing Fluffy with a hose will certainly annoy and anger your cat, in other circumstances exhortations about a wet pussy might have significantly more positive implications.

So what does all this mean?  Well, if you were looking to spice up your sex life, or make a hot encounter even steamier, you now have an additional tool in your sexual arsenal.  Or if you were just seeking further verification that men are “pervs” and get turned on by the weirdest stuff…your suspicions have unquestionably been confirmed.  In either case, you now know that any inclination you may have had to “add audio” to your lovemaking, is definitely “right-minded” as far as guys are concerned.  We applaud your asserting yourself and heartily encourage you to leave the silent majority and become the gutter-mouthed girl of our dreams.

© 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Oral Sex – To Swallow Or Not

Question: I've been married for twenty years and been together twenty-three. My husband and I are just in our early 40's, so we got married when we were still pretty young and "adventurous" and have continued with a great sex life. During our entire relationship I have always been a "catch & spit" kind of girl. Over the years my husband has mentioned swallowing always in a joking manner and always adding it didn't matter to him either way. I have just, within the last year, tried swallowing a couple times but...can't get with it! Does it really matter to most men? And if so, why? ...Jessica

Answer: "To spit or not to spit, that is the question"...and a good one, at that. Many women have been faced with the dilemma of not knowing what to "do" with a mouthful of goo. And to be fair, there is no one "right" answer. I will, however, try to elaborate a bit on the subject and explore why this issue regularly rears its ugly head (no pun intended) in male/female relationships.

First it must be said that while oral sex is quite common a practice in society today, there are still people, both women and men, who adhere to a diet that does not include the "fruit of our loins." In fact, it appears that women in general fall into four categories: 1) Those who don’t engage in oral sex; 2) Those who do, but remove "Mr. Happy" before he reaches the pinnacle of his enthusiasm; 3) Those who "go the distance," but expel their partner's deposit before it can accrue any interest; and 4) Those who ingest their special someone's love liquid. And which category a woman falls into can change from time to time and partner to partner. And frankly, if you fall into any of the latter three categories, you'll probably never hear us complain, because we're just pleased as punch to be getting a little "face time."

But now to the question: Does your swallowing our DNA really matter to us...and why? Quite frankly, for most men, I believe it is more a matter of attitude and less of consumption. If you "get rid of" our semen shooter by sexily dribbling it onto our body (or even better, your own) and then rubbing the sticky sap over any conveniently exposed flesh, most guys will be in heaven, and all thoughts of swallowing will be quickly forgotten. If, on the other hand, you convulsively spit out our stuff as if it were dry cleaning fluid, we’re likely to be a little put off. And while some guys may look at your swallowing their sperm as an unconditional acceptance of them, most men simply don't want to feel like you're completely grossed-out by their emission. We want to believe that you're fond of our ejaculate, because we consider it a close, personal friend, and we like our friends to get along. The bottom line is: We appreciate it when you swallow because we believe it shows you like us, sperm and all, and your willingness to engage in this behavior demonstrates a sexual inhibition that we find enormously appealing.

The most important thing to remember on this subject, however, is that men realize that you may not share our enthusiasm for our semen, and once it leaves our body and enters any part of yours, our jurisdiction ceases, and your rule-of-law applies. So while we might like you to accommodate our desire to savor our seed, it is hardly a deal-breaker. We understand that the final destination of our sperm is often beyond our control. We're just ecstatic that it occasionally has a chance to be out and about. And that's a truth that I hope you'll have no trouble swallowing.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Men And “Bad Sex”

Today I would like to dispel a lousy rumor; one that persists despite the fact that it is not now, nor ever was true. I’m talking about, of course, the idea that to men there is no such thing as “bad sex.” This is absolutely false. We do recognize bad sex. But like lite beer and arena football, we will grudgingly embrace it if it’s the best of our readily available options. Because what is equally true is that most men feel that some sex, even that of inferior quality, is better than no sex at all.

Now I know that some of you are thinking, “Wait. Guys almost always have orgasms. How ‘bad’ could sex be if they’re erupting all over the place?” Good question. And frankly, it’s easy to understand your confusion, because, for you, orgasm is indicative of achieving a certain level of sexual excitement that doesn’t always happen. Not true for us. For the most part, we consider sex and ejaculation almost synonymous. One naturally follows the other. Like night following day, or summer following spring, or flatulence following a chili cook-off, men are used to orgasm being the dependable conclusion to any sexual interlude. And with rare exceptions this is the case…for us. Men rarely begin a sexual activity wondering if they will climax. We may worry about being unable to get or maintain an erection. We may fret over coming too soon. But we feel pretty confident that if we can get it up and get it in, getting it on will lead to getting us off. It’s that simple.

What this all means is that, for guys, our climax doesn’t indicate we had good sex, it just indicates we had…sex. And for most of us, that, in and of itself, is a positive thing. We still recognize different qualitative levels of sexual encounters, but we’re so thrilled to be having sex with someone other than ourselves that we rarely, if ever, bring up the issue, unless it’s to compliment you on your performance or the remarkably hospitable temperament of your vagina (though we probably won’t use those words).
So don’t expect to ever hear us complain or rate our sexual experience with you as less-than-stellar. We’re smart enough to know that a critique or constructive criticism is less likely to lead to better sex, and more likely to lead to the unmistakable thud of your thighs slamming shut – never to be reopened in our presence again. It is a sound that creates terror in our minds, emptiness in our hearts, and inconsolable sadness in parts below. So do guys ever really have “bad sex?” With others, perhaps, but never with you.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Hubby Puts The Brakes On BJ's

In response to a previous column, I received the following letter, which I would like to share with my readers.

Question: My question is very personal, but I read your blog and found it interesting. My husband, believe it or not, says he has to be in the mood for oral sex especially when I want to do it to him. Is this odd? Do you think I am doing something wrong? I want to please him, and I personally enjoy it. Any advice you can give I would appreciate. …Allison


Answer: You ask a very interesting question: Does a man (in this case, your husband) have to be in the mood to receive oral sex?

The simple answer to this is: No. Since receiving oral sex requires almost no effort on the part of the recipient, and the outcome is decidedly pleasant and lacks any performance anxiety, there are very few reasons a man would not want to be pleasured this way. In fact, most men complain about not receiving this kind of attention enough. And frankly, I’ve never heard complaints about receiving too much oral sex.

I can think of several reasons, however, that a man might want to limit the frequency of oral sex: 1) He struggles with the perception that this kind of activity is demeaning, and despite his enjoyment of it, tries to limit the number of times he subjects you to it; 2) He has some religious objection to this form of sexual activity; 3) He had some negative experience with oral sex in the past, the memories of which are sometimes triggered by your oral attention; 4)He is worried about orgasming too soon this way, and thus eliminating (at least for 20 or 30 minutes) the possibility of having “regular” sex; 5) He feels as if you are using oral sex as a way to gain his attention when he is trying to focus on other important things…in other words, you‘re making oral sex a “pleasant annoyance;” 6) He is having sex with someone else, or has recently masturbated, and doesn’t want you to have that close contact with his penis and discover either of these things; 7) Your oral sex technique is somewhat lacking and he doesn’t know how to tell you – so he endures your ministrations as infrequently as possible.

Since I can’t possibly know which one of these things is behind his attitude, I can only make limited suggestions. They are as follows: 1) If you have no other reason to believe he is cheating on you, forget about reason #6 – although if he is like most men, he probably is still masturbating on occasion, which, by the way, is no reflection on his interest in you or your ability to satisfy him. 2) If you are unaware of any traumatic sexual occurrence in his past, or you know him to be devoid of any significant religious objections, you can discount those as possible reasons for his attitude, as well. 3) Many women are not that skilled in their oral technique, though they are unaware of this, because guys hardly ever bring this up. If this is his issue, I am certain he is reluctant to tell you and possibly hurt your feelings. There is an easy solution to this problem, however: Next time you start to mouth him, tell him it would really excite you if he described in explicit detail just what he’d like you to do. Then follow his direction to a “T.” He will have the opportunity to teach you exactly what he enjoys (and what he doesn’t like), in a positive environment, free of the worry that he’ll hurt or insult you. And you’ll be able to replicate your actions every time you dive below his belt. And maybe he’ll even get the idea to do the same with you…and have you instruct him on how you want to be pleasured, next time he applies his tongue to your tropical region. That’s what you truly call a “win-win” situation!

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

A Man And His Member

Lately there has been a proliferation of bad news: A waning economy, drooping housing market, corporate insolvency, wars, violence, famine, natural disaster, and the cancelling of “Dirty Sexy Money.” Thus, rather than deal with anything too serious in this first column of the New Year, I decided to be a little more light-hearted. The following is the result - an ode to the bond between men and their “manhood.”

To say, “Penises are attached to men,” is to simply state a fact. But saying, “Men are attached to their penises,” is to proclaim an absolute truth.

As you may already know, nothing is so prized a possession to the average male as his own penis. And while straight men have little or no interest in the external plumbing of their brethren (other than as a supporting character in a porno), they can become downright sentimental when pondering their close relationship to their own equipment. To put it bluntly, most men consider their penis to be their best friend. Sure, we are hugely attracted to women. And yes, we enjoy the hell out of spending an evening of football, hot wings and frosty brews with our buds. And true, our slipper-fetching Fido is among our favorite companions. But our true BFF is that roll of flesh we keep sequestered in our shorts.

And why is “cherish” the word we use to describe our penis? Three reasons: Loyalty, reliability and shared common interests. As long as we can remember, our penis has been there for us. Before we even understood its function as “party central,” we appreciated it as the visible symbol of our masculinity, the release valve for our bursting bladders, and a dandy way to practice our cursive in the snow. Then when puberty hit, and all our hormones executed a blitzkrieg of our nether regions, our penises were there to rise to the occasion. Suddenly the whole world of sexuality opened up for us, and it was our trusty tumescent friends who led the way. In times of loneliness, frustration or insomnia, it was our penises that helped us relieve our pent-up tensions. Participation in sports was a fine source of stress relief, but sadly not always convenient or available. Our trusty wieners, however, were ever-ready for action, even late at night and in inclement weather.

As I’m sure some of you are well aware, our affection is so great, that many of us even endow our endowment with a nickname. These monikers can run the gamut from whimsical (“Mr. Happy”) to blatantly boastful (“Sasquatch”). And so concerned are we about our units’ continued good health, that we faithfully endeavor to make certain our “little soldiers” get regular exercise. That’s just how considerate we guys are.

Now you may be asking yourself, “What about his testicles? He hasn’t even touched on them. What are they…chopped liver (I shudder at the very image)?” Well, the truth is, as much as we love and respect this secondary erogenous zone and sperm manufacturing facility, our balls are the “Achilles heel” of our genital compound. They are our weakest link; our most vulnerable spot. Truthfully, we are barely even cognizant of their existence until they are the unfortunate victim of a blunt force trauma. Then, however, their presence drowns out our awareness of virtually all the rest of our anatomy. So, while we wouldn’t want to part with them, the periodic pain associated with our family jewels prevents us from rhapsodizing about them as we do their neighbor to the north.

So you see, our fondness for our own penises cannot be overstated, and our allegiance to them should not be underestimated. And why would you be interested in any of this (optimistically hoping, of course, that you are - and haven’t been “put off” by my dissertation on “a dude and his dingus”)? Because despite our dogged devotion to our penises, there is an anatomical accoutrement over which you have exclusive dominion that we are even more obsessed with. I am referring to, of course… vaginas. We’re absolutely nutty about them. And luckily, so are our little pals. In fact, this popular destination is the top-rated gated community in which ten-out-of-ten penises prefer to reside. Be it ever so warm and cozy, there’s no place like home.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. Al Rights Reserved.

Men And Oral Sex

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