Why Men Ask You Out

Dating is a complicated ritual that most of us have engaged in at some point in our lives. And while many of us may find it awkward, tedious, and even downright frustrating, we nonetheless continue to do it because the drive to connect with another individual is so strong. But what are we looking for in our dating experience? What exactly is our motivation to go on a date? Good questions. And as you might suspect, men and women have decidedly different takes on this issue. Of course, women go on a date for a multitude of reasons, such as:

1. You are attracted to a guy and want to get to know him better.
   
2. You’re not that attracted to a guy, but are open to the possibility that there may be more there than meets the eye.
   
3. You think he’s excellent husband/father material.
   
4. You think he’s sexy as hell and can’t wait to jump his bones.
   
5. You don’t find him attractive at all, but he’s nice and polite, and you’ve been in a dating drought and this might just be the jump-start you need.
   
6. Your mother, sister, best friend, cousin, co-worker, or hair stylist has a “perfect” guy for you, and you think “what the hell it’s only a few hours of my life and my Tivo’s broken.”
   
7. Hundreds of other reasons, too numerous to mention.
   

And why do guys ask you out?

1. Because they find you attractive and want to have sex with you.
   
2. That’s pretty much it, go back and review reason number one.
   

At this point, many of you may be shaking your heads in disappointment or disbelief, thinking, “certainly men aren’t motivated to spend time with us, solely because they want to sleep with us. There’s got to be more to it.” Not really. Sure we appreciate a woman who can make us laugh. We enjoy lively, provocative, stimulating conversation. And we like to bask in the glow of your energy, vivaciousness and femininity. But mostly we want to get you naked ASAP and feel your warm flesh pressed against us. Don’t we want to get to know you? Absolutely…but in a biblical way.

Now before you start angrily heaving all things great and small in my direction, let me clarify one important point: Sex drives us to ask you out, and is the primary goal of our encounter. But it is not the only reason we continue going out with you once we have known you in an intimate way. After we have experienced the sexual side of you, we start to appreciate your many other attributes for the first time. Your great smile, your cute laugh, your bubbly personality, your sparkling wit are now suddenly, almost magically more apparent. These were all things that were already on display for us to see, but in our tunnel vision to embed ourselves in your tunnel, we probably failed to notice. Now that we’ve “done the deed” with you, we actually start to listen to what you’re saying, instead of mindlessly nodding our heads, while all we are hearing is the persistent thud of the drumming in our loins. Now, finally, we’re beginning to notice how cool you truly are. And that makes us really like you. And want to ask you out more. So we can have more sex with you…and find out what other wonderful things there are about you, that we completely overlooked in our rush to the bedroom.

The bottom line is this: Men are goal oriented in most of their pursuits, and their pursuit of you is no different. And it is not “awful,” “shameful,” “shallow,” or “scandalous,” that we behave this way. It is simply the way we were hard-wired. Yes, it may be different than the way you were hard-wired, but far be it from me to judge either way superior to the other. And sure, there are men who will ask you out who do not want to have sex with you…but they are either a close relative, gay, wanting to sell you insurance, or all of the above. Generally speaking, guys that find you attractive want to see just how attractive you really are…all over. So next time a man asks you out, you’ll have a complete understanding of what his motivation is. No more guesswork or speculation. His intentions are clear – he thinks you’re hot and wants to share in the warmth. And sharing is an admirable thing, right?

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

A Question Of Infidelity

Question: Okay, you self proclaimed guru, might be more than you wanna know, but my husband of almost 10 years recently ended an affair with a coworker. We're working through that, but- I was truly blown away by something he said to me a couple of days ago and you just might be the right guy to ask about it. One of the main reasons he was attracted to her, he says, is that she was positive and confident while I didn't seem to "care about" myself. This being evidenced, in his opinion, by the fact that I didn't care if I "fixed up" when I went somewhere.... Hmmm, and I thought that meant I was OK with me, but I guess not. So it's been about 5 months since we've started this 'work on our marriage' bit. I start nursing school in August and he made the statement that I'm prolly gonna run off with a rich Dr. (insert dumbfounded expression here-I'm not running off with a POOR one!) Anyway, I am trying to give the appearance of being confident and feeling good about myself when I tell him that "I'm gonna be so cute in my scrubs, they're ALL gonna want me!" To which he replies,"Don't think that highly of yourself Dana." Please understand, I'm not vain. I was joking. JOKING! And the truth of the matter is, he said he WANTED me to be more confident, even as he was pulling the rug out from under me with the epitome of "You're not good enoughs" by having an affair.
So my question is this:Why is it great for your girlfriend to be confident and present herself as thinking she's wonderful, but not your wife? Especially when you say that what you wanted? Hope you can help me grasp the concept. Thanks SO much! ...Dana

Answer: First, you should know, Dana, that I while I don't condone your husband's infidelity, since you have agreed to move past it, I will not dwell on it. However, you should be aware that, different from women, men don't primarily have affairs because they are unhappy in their relationship with their significant others...they have them because the opportunity presents itself. While a man may be perfectly content in his relationship with his wife, the appeal of being physical with another woman is incredibly enticing. Why? Because men inherently crave variety in their sexual partners. The only thing they like better than sex...is sex with someone new. And no matter how wonderful you are in and out of bed, the one thing you cannot be is...someone new.

I mention all of this because it is likely that your husband straying has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you. It is far more a reflection on him, his desires and character. But what about his recent comments about you? How do those "fit in?" Very simply: It is those characteristics that she (the other woman) has that you don't that make her particularly attractive to him. Not that those traits are, by themselves appealing, but because they offer contrast to those he perceives you possess. In other words, it is this dissimilarity to you that make those differences especially appealing. So changing who you are (even if you wanted to), wouldn’t really accomplish anything.

But what about the fact that he said that you don't "fix up" when you go out? That actually may be related to another issue. And what is that issue? Quite often, as we get more and more comfortable in our relationships, we take less and less care with how we present ourselves to our spouse. It seems to be a natural progression and is equally common among men and women, with one significant difference. Men are primarily visually oriented. How you look is paramount to how much we are attracted to you. We're hard-wired to be stimulated by what we see. So if your "fixing up" makes you look more attractive to him, it is naturally something he desires you do as often as possible. And while this may not apply to you at all, if he perceives that in your 10 year together you have gradually "let yourself go," he may be harboring resentment that you no longer care enough about him to take care of yourself and make yourself desirable to him. And it doesn't matter if in that same decade he's gone from being a dreamboat to a gross, tub o' lard, he still associates your caring for your appearance as an indication of your love for him. Convoluted? Perhaps. But it's the way a man's mind often works.

Now, to a different, but related topic. Your husband's comments and actions indicate that he may, in fact, be feeling a little insecure about himself and his situation. Your entering nursing school may fuel within him some inner feelings of inadequacy. He may be feeling that rather than being a boon to your joint financial success, your newfound career will make you need him less. And it will put you into contact with upwardly-mobile, intelligent, attractive men who share a common interest with you. Your innocent joke may have inadvertently tossed gasoline on that fire, and his comment was his attempt to salve his singed ego by deflating yours. Also, nursing school is a big-time commitment. On some level he knows that for an extended period of time in the near future, you are going to be spending less time with him, making him less of a priority. It's only natural that would be the case, and intellectually he knows that. But emotionally, this may further add to his feelings of insecurity and abandonment. To offset this, I suggest that you reassure your husband that you're not interested in "talking shop" after a hard day's work in the medical trenches, so socializing with doctors is the last thing you'll be interested in doing. And while it's true that nursing school is going to require a time commitment on your part, your husband and your marriage are your priorities.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Hubby Puts The Brakes On BJ's

In response to a previous column, I received the following letter, which I would like to share with my readers.

Question: My question is very personal, but I read your blog and found it interesting. My husband, believe it or not, says he has to be in the mood for oral sex especially when I want to do it to him. Is this odd? Do you think I am doing something wrong? I want to please him, and I personally enjoy it. Any advice you can give I would appreciate. …Allison


Answer: You ask a very interesting question: Does a man (in this case, your husband) have to be in the mood to receive oral sex?

The simple answer to this is: No. Since receiving oral sex requires almost no effort on the part of the recipient, and the outcome is decidedly pleasant and lacks any performance anxiety, there are very few reasons a man would not want to be pleasured this way. In fact, most men complain about not receiving this kind of attention enough. And frankly, I’ve never heard complaints about receiving too much oral sex.

I can think of several reasons, however, that a man might want to limit the frequency of oral sex: 1) He struggles with the perception that this kind of activity is demeaning, and despite his enjoyment of it, tries to limit the number of times he subjects you to it; 2) He has some religious objection to this form of sexual activity; 3) He had some negative experience with oral sex in the past, the memories of which are sometimes triggered by your oral attention; 4)He is worried about orgasming too soon this way, and thus eliminating (at least for 20 or 30 minutes) the possibility of having “regular” sex; 5) He feels as if you are using oral sex as a way to gain his attention when he is trying to focus on other important things…in other words, you‘re making oral sex a “pleasant annoyance;” 6) He is having sex with someone else, or has recently masturbated, and doesn’t want you to have that close contact with his penis and discover either of these things; 7) Your oral sex technique is somewhat lacking and he doesn’t know how to tell you – so he endures your ministrations as infrequently as possible.

Since I can’t possibly know which one of these things is behind his attitude, I can only make limited suggestions. They are as follows: 1) If you have no other reason to believe he is cheating on you, forget about reason #6 – although if he is like most men, he probably is still masturbating on occasion, which, by the way, is no reflection on his interest in you or your ability to satisfy him. 2) If you are unaware of any traumatic sexual occurrence in his past, or you know him to be devoid of any significant religious objections, you can discount those as possible reasons for his attitude, as well. 3) Many women are not that skilled in their oral technique, though they are unaware of this, because guys hardly ever bring this up. If this is his issue, I am certain he is reluctant to tell you and possibly hurt your feelings. There is an easy solution to this problem, however: Next time you start to mouth him, tell him it would really excite you if he described in explicit detail just what he’d like you to do. Then follow his direction to a “T.” He will have the opportunity to teach you exactly what he enjoys (and what he doesn’t like), in a positive environment, free of the worry that he’ll hurt or insult you. And you’ll be able to replicate your actions every time you dive below his belt. And maybe he’ll even get the idea to do the same with you…and have you instruct him on how you want to be pleasured, next time he applies his tongue to your tropical region. That’s what you truly call a “win-win” situation!

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

What Men Are Looking For In Relationships

Women frequently ask me what guys are looking for in their relationships with the women in their lives. And although they may realize how uncomplicated guys are, they are still usually surprised by the simplicity of my answer. In general, men are looking for three things when they become involved romantically with a woman:

1) Sex

2) Comfort

3) Companionship

And that’s pretty much it. And while there are certainly some men who have additional prerequisites on their relationship checklists, they are by far the minority, and don’t really merit much examination in a general discussion about men and their motivations.

So on to the first thing that men want (and the highest on their “to-do” list): Sex. As you know, sex is mucho important to guys. It’s what motivates us to get out of bed every morning (with the hope that soon we’ll be hopping back in for a steamy interlude with an equally hot playmate). And as much as most men love to eat, if guys had to choose between sex and food, starvation would be the number one cause of death in the male population. So it only makes sense that one of the primary things we look for in our relationships is sexual compatibility. And while that sounds as if we might be rating your performance in some way, truth-be-told, if you’re willing to get naked with us on a regular basis – then by our yardstick, we’re perfectly compatible.

Okay, let’s now talk about “comfort.” Men often look to their women to provide a safe haven, a comfortable place, a warm atmosphere in which to escape the brutality of everyday life. I’m not talking about a physical environment, but an emotional one (although the physical comfort of resting our weary head on your soft breast is a big favorite of ours). We like to kick back with you in a relaxed atmosphere, away from the pressures of the outside world. We like your supportive attitude and soothing words. We relish your warmth and understanding. In other words, your very presence makes us feel better. Conversely, if you treat us with disdain, criticism and antipathy (like most of the rest of the world), we’re likely to want to be anywhere but where you are.

And now to “companionship.” Like it sounds, what we are looking for is someone who is fun to just be around; a person who shares our interests, dreams, goals and sense of humor; someone who’s just cool to hang out with and willing to accompany us on elaborate (and sometimes hair-brained) adventures. We want a woman who obviously enjoys our company as much as we enjoy hers. And when we’ve found that person we have so much in common with, it is only natural that we try and maximize our time together – so powerful is the draw of compatibility.

So there you have the shockingly simple truth about what we seek in our relationships with you. I know it must seem as if we’re searching for more: perhaps a partner, soul mate, life mate, coffee mate (sorry, couldn’t resist), co-parent or roommate. But actually, although once in awhile that may be our quest, usually our bottom line desire is for the above-mentioned “Big 3.” And unlike GM, Ford and Chrysler, if your guy has those things with you, your relationship will never need a government bailout.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

A Man And His Member

Lately there has been a proliferation of bad news: A waning economy, drooping housing market, corporate insolvency, wars, violence, famine, natural disaster, and the cancelling of “Dirty Sexy Money.” Thus, rather than deal with anything too serious in this first column of the New Year, I decided to be a little more light-hearted. The following is the result - an ode to the bond between men and their “manhood.”

To say, “Penises are attached to men,” is to simply state a fact. But saying, “Men are attached to their penises,” is to proclaim an absolute truth.

As you may already know, nothing is so prized a possession to the average male as his own penis. And while straight men have little or no interest in the external plumbing of their brethren (other than as a supporting character in a porno), they can become downright sentimental when pondering their close relationship to their own equipment. To put it bluntly, most men consider their penis to be their best friend. Sure, we are hugely attracted to women. And yes, we enjoy the hell out of spending an evening of football, hot wings and frosty brews with our buds. And true, our slipper-fetching Fido is among our favorite companions. But our true BFF is that roll of flesh we keep sequestered in our shorts.

And why is “cherish” the word we use to describe our penis? Three reasons: Loyalty, reliability and shared common interests. As long as we can remember, our penis has been there for us. Before we even understood its function as “party central,” we appreciated it as the visible symbol of our masculinity, the release valve for our bursting bladders, and a dandy way to practice our cursive in the snow. Then when puberty hit, and all our hormones executed a blitzkrieg of our nether regions, our penises were there to rise to the occasion. Suddenly the whole world of sexuality opened up for us, and it was our trusty tumescent friends who led the way. In times of loneliness, frustration or insomnia, it was our penises that helped us relieve our pent-up tensions. Participation in sports was a fine source of stress relief, but sadly not always convenient or available. Our trusty wieners, however, were ever-ready for action, even late at night and in inclement weather.

As I’m sure some of you are well aware, our affection is so great, that many of us even endow our endowment with a nickname. These monikers can run the gamut from whimsical (“Mr. Happy”) to blatantly boastful (“Sasquatch”). And so concerned are we about our units’ continued good health, that we faithfully endeavor to make certain our “little soldiers” get regular exercise. That’s just how considerate we guys are.

Now you may be asking yourself, “What about his testicles? He hasn’t even touched on them. What are they…chopped liver (I shudder at the very image)?” Well, the truth is, as much as we love and respect this secondary erogenous zone and sperm manufacturing facility, our balls are the “Achilles heel” of our genital compound. They are our weakest link; our most vulnerable spot. Truthfully, we are barely even cognizant of their existence until they are the unfortunate victim of a blunt force trauma. Then, however, their presence drowns out our awareness of virtually all the rest of our anatomy. So, while we wouldn’t want to part with them, the periodic pain associated with our family jewels prevents us from rhapsodizing about them as we do their neighbor to the north.

So you see, our fondness for our own penises cannot be overstated, and our allegiance to them should not be underestimated. And why would you be interested in any of this (optimistically hoping, of course, that you are - and haven’t been “put off” by my dissertation on “a dude and his dingus”)? Because despite our dogged devotion to our penises, there is an anatomical accoutrement over which you have exclusive dominion that we are even more obsessed with. I am referring to, of course… vaginas. We’re absolutely nutty about them. And luckily, so are our little pals. In fact, this popular destination is the top-rated gated community in which ten-out-of-ten penises prefer to reside. Be it ever so warm and cozy, there’s no place like home.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. Al Rights Reserved.

3 Things Men Hate

While every man is an individual and has unique and sometimes peculiar things that may irritate him or press his buttons, there are certain “pet peeves” that seem to be universal to all those outfitted with a penile appendage. In my efforts to inform you about the fundamental operation of the male mind, I would be remiss were I not to address the important topic of “What Men Hate.” The following are three things that my brethren generally find repugnant.

1) UNFAVORABLE COMPARISONS. We absolutely detest being unfavorably compared to your father, your brother, your brother-in-law, our father or male siblings, your ex, the guy who took your virginity, or any other man who’s seen you naked. Why? Because the clear implication is that, in your opinion, we are somehow deficient in some way, and that makes us feel bad about ourselves and not too good about you. If, on the other hand, the comparison is favorable, and we are lauded for our superiority over some other schlub, then feel free to compare away.

2) “HELPFUL" SUGGESTIONS ON HOW WE MIGHT IMPROVE OURSELVES. Despite what opinion you may hold, most men are fairly happy with who they are. And though you may look in the mirror and see only your flaws, we see our reflections and are generally content with what we behold. So your attempts to “make us over” leave us baffled and annoyed. And this behavior also begs the question why you hooked up with us in the first place, if you were so unhappy with who we were. And if you’re feeling that we’re being overly sensitive in handling your constructive criticism, think how you would react to helpful suggestions on how you might upgrade your body or improve your sense of style. The bottom line is this: Find a man who satisfies whatever criteria you may have, but don’t expect to help him “be all he can be.” If you’re looking for a “fixer-upper,” invest in real estate.

3) THE PHRASE,"YOU SHOULD KNOW WHY I'M UPSET." We don’t. And we shouldn’t, since we can’t read your mind, and for the most part are oblivious to any hidden meaning or subtext in your communication. If you’re angry with us and we don’t know why, it does not mean we don’t care about you or your feelings, or are too self-absorbed to pay attention to what is going on with you. The fact is, we’d love to know what has caused you to become unhappy with us, so that we can at least consider making amends. And your unwillingness to illuminate us is both frustrating and counter-productive. Remember, men are generally not particularly intuitive, and we need to be told things in a very direct manner – subtlety is completely lost on us. So next time your significant other inquires about the icy treatment you’re giving him, help facilitate the thaw and tell him point-blank what’s on your mind. At least then there’s the possibility that you’ll be able to satisfactorily resolve things and get back to what’s really important in the relationship…makeup sex.

The above is merely the tip of the iceberg, and offers only a preliminary look at the things men despise. It does, however, offer a little insight into what behaviors to avoid in order to encourage a harmonious relationship. Conversely, the information could also be used to effectively annoy the hell out of your guy when you feel he deserves it. But that would just be manipulative and mean. And guys really hate that.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Men on the Rebound

When I use the words “men” and “rebound” in the same sentence, male minds might quickly conjure up thoughts of their favorite NBA teams. Women, however, understand that I am addressing the phenomenon of rushing into a new relationship after the dissolution of an old one. And while men aren’t the only ones guilty of this relationship ricochet, they are, by far, the most-likely to engage in this particular type of reactionary behavior.

So what causes men to so quickly move from a break-up with you to the arms of another woman? Understandably, you might think it has to do with him not being particularly invested in his relationship with you. You could easily believe the rapidity of his action indicates he isn’t at all broken up about your break-up; that he had no deep feelings for you and he cavalierly is humming to himself, “Another One Bites The Dust.” Those assumptions would be perfectly reasonable. They would, however, be completely wrong. You see, when men actually emotionally invest in a relationship, their feelings (whether they show it or not) run as deeply as your own. So when their relationship crumbles before them, it causes a huge emotional void. But unlike you, men don’t have the social support network to buoy them up in their time of pain and sadness. They can’t cry to their friends, seeks solace from their mothers, or drown their feelings in a bucket of “Chunky Monkey.” If they thought that kind behavior would be acceptable, they might engage in it. But men are all too aware that stoicism, soldiering on, and “walking it off” are fundamental guidelines in the male handbook, and breaching these would cause them to be a target of ridicule, pity and serious lampooning from their male “comrades-in-arms.”

So what’s a guy to do? He’s hurting, but he can’t tell anyone. And grieving and wallowing in private are likely to only lead to consuming mass quantities of Jim Beam, to dull his pain. Thus, he realizes, with such limited options available, he must speedily move to contain his about-to-erupt emotions by filling the vacuum created by the demise of his previous relationship. And how does he do this? By seeking out someone else to focus his attention on, both emotional and sexual. And the sooner, the better, for it is this new woman who heals his wounds by allowing him to step back into the comfortable, acceptable space of being the tough, unruffled, man that he is supposed to be. She facilitates his return to a state of being where he can once again feel masculine and in control of himself and his emotions. Order is restored and all is right with the world again.

Thus, it can be stated that the speed in which a man moves from a bitter break-up to a new amorous attachment is directly proportional to the pain he’s feeling: The deeper the hurt the quicker the hook-up. So if you see your ex in the arms of another within days of your break-up, don’t write him off as a horny, uncaring, slime-bucket. Instead, recognize that he was deeply hurt by the end of your relationship and is doing the best he can to mend his broken heart. Then, with that understanding in place, it is perfectly reasonable to go home and cut his head out of all the photos of him you own, and incinerate them in your barbecue. Hey, he deals with his pain one way, you deal with yours another. Who’s to judge?

(C)2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.