Men And “Bad Sex”

Today I would like to dispel a lousy rumor; one that persists despite the fact that it is not now, nor ever was true. I’m talking about, of course, the idea that to men there is no such thing as “bad sex.” This is absolutely false. We do recognize bad sex. But like lite beer and arena football, we will grudgingly embrace it if it’s the best of our readily available options. Because what is equally true is that most men feel that some sex, even that of inferior quality, is better than no sex at all.

Now I know that some of you are thinking, “Wait. Guys almost always have orgasms. How ‘bad’ could sex be if they’re erupting all over the place?” Good question. And frankly, it’s easy to understand your confusion, because, for you, orgasm is indicative of achieving a certain level of sexual excitement that doesn’t always happen. Not true for us. For the most part, we consider sex and ejaculation almost synonymous. One naturally follows the other. Like night following day, or summer following spring, or flatulence following a chili cook-off, men are used to orgasm being the dependable conclusion to any sexual interlude. And with rare exceptions this is the case…for us. Men rarely begin a sexual activity wondering if they will climax. We may worry about being unable to get or maintain an erection. We may fret over coming too soon. But we feel pretty confident that if we can get it up and get it in, getting it on will lead to getting us off. It’s that simple.

What this all means is that, for guys, our climax doesn’t indicate we had good sex, it just indicates we had…sex. And for most of us, that, in and of itself, is a positive thing. We still recognize different qualitative levels of sexual encounters, but we’re so thrilled to be having sex with someone other than ourselves that we rarely, if ever, bring up the issue, unless it’s to compliment you on your performance or the remarkably hospitable temperament of your vagina (though we probably won’t use those words).
So don’t expect to ever hear us complain or rate our sexual experience with you as less-than-stellar. We’re smart enough to know that a critique or constructive criticism is less likely to lead to better sex, and more likely to lead to the unmistakable thud of your thighs slamming shut – never to be reopened in our presence again. It is a sound that creates terror in our minds, emptiness in our hearts, and inconsolable sadness in parts below. So do guys ever really have “bad sex?” With others, perhaps, but never with you.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Men And Breasts

Let’s talk about breasts. Most guys love to, so why should I be any different? Like it or not, this anatomical accoutrement receives more than its fair share of attention from the male of the species. And while someone with a doctorate might be able to explain the underlying psychological motivation, the simple truth is that men love boobs.

“Duh,” you say, “Every woman knows of men’s almost obsessive surveillance of this particular part of the female topography. Tell me something I don’t know.” Okay, I will. Regardless of what you believe, men don’t just love big breasts. We love ‘em all: Large, small, medium, extra-large, firm, floppy, perky and pendulous. All boobs are welcome. And regardless of their size, the more we see of them the happier we are. Hence, we are ecstatic about the current padded, pushed-up, on-display style bras which go out of their way to showcase whatever you’ve got.

Now this is not to say that a man won’t be wowed by a particularly prominent set of boobs. To be truthful, most will - because larger objects tend to more easily catch our attention. Nonetheless, we are still almost fanatical in our affections for more modest endowments. And if we spy even the slightest hint of nipple, regardless of the fullness of flesh of the surrounding neighborhood, we’re happy as clams. It’s not unlike many women’s fascination with diamonds. Big ones catch your attention and may cause a chorus of “oohs” and “ahhs,” but a smaller-caratted cut of equal brilliance will still illicit its fair share of complements – since you have an enthusiastic appreciation of diamonds in general. But the similarity ends there, because even though your love of diamonds is only equaled by your disdain for cubic zirconia and other “fakes,” we feel no similar animosity toward breasts that aren’t 100 percent original equipment. Spruce ‘em up, plump ‘em out, enhance or condense ‘em, we’ll love those puppies as if they were just the way nature made ‘em. What can I say, when it comes to breasts, we’re very accommodating.

So what does all this mean? Simply put - regardless of what you have on your chest, men will be craning their necks to get a peek, or dare we dream – a grope. Such is the allure of your boobs. They are the mountains, hills or speed bumps at which we worship, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. So don’t spend a lot of time being concerned about what you have or haven’t got in the boob department. As far as we’re concerned, as long as they’re less-hairy than what we have, they’re sure to appeal to our simple tastes. And it is a bad pun, but nonetheless heartfelt, that on behalf of men everywhere, I say, “thanks for the mammaries.”


© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.