Sunday, October 18, 2009

Hubby Puts The Brakes On BJ's

In response to a previous column, I received the following letter, which I would like to share with my readers.

Question: My question is very personal, but I read your blog and found it interesting. My husband, believe it or not, says he has to be in the mood for oral sex especially when I want to do it to him. Is this odd? Do you think I am doing something wrong? I want to please him, and I personally enjoy it. Any advice you can give I would appreciate. …Allison


Answer: You ask a very interesting question: Does a man (in this case, your husband) have to be in the mood to receive oral sex?

The simple answer to this is: No. Since receiving oral sex requires almost no effort on the part of the recipient, and the outcome is decidedly pleasant and lacks any performance anxiety, there are very few reasons a man would not want to be pleasured this way. In fact, most men complain about not receiving this kind of attention enough. And frankly, I’ve never heard complaints about receiving too much oral sex.

I can think of several reasons, however, that a man might want to limit the frequency of oral sex: 1) He struggles with the perception that this kind of activity is demeaning, and despite his enjoyment of it, tries to limit the number of times he subjects you to it; 2) He has some religious objection to this form of sexual activity; 3) He had some negative experience with oral sex in the past, the memories of which are sometimes triggered by your oral attention; 4)He is worried about orgasming too soon this way, and thus eliminating (at least for 20 or 30 minutes) the possibility of having “regular” sex; 5) He feels as if you are using oral sex as a way to gain his attention when he is trying to focus on other important things…in other words, you‘re making oral sex a “pleasant annoyance;” 6) He is having sex with someone else, or has recently masturbated, and doesn’t want you to have that close contact with his penis and discover either of these things; 7) Your oral sex technique is somewhat lacking and he doesn’t know how to tell you – so he endures your ministrations as infrequently as possible.

Since I can’t possibly know which one of these things is behind his attitude, I can only make limited suggestions. They are as follows: 1) If you have no other reason to believe he is cheating on you, forget about reason #6 – although if he is like most men, he probably is still masturbating on occasion, which, by the way, is no reflection on his interest in you or your ability to satisfy him. 2) If you are unaware of any traumatic sexual occurrence in his past, or you know him to be devoid of any significant religious objections, you can discount those as possible reasons for his attitude, as well. 3) Many women are not that skilled in their oral technique, though they are unaware of this, because guys hardly ever bring this up. If this is his issue, I am certain he is reluctant to tell you and possibly hurt your feelings. There is an easy solution to this problem, however: Next time you start to mouth him, tell him it would really excite you if he described in explicit detail just what he’d like you to do. Then follow his direction to a “T.” He will have the opportunity to teach you exactly what he enjoys (and what he doesn’t like), in a positive environment, free of the worry that he’ll hurt or insult you. And you’ll be able to replicate your actions every time you dive below his belt. And maybe he’ll even get the idea to do the same with you…and have you instruct him on how you want to be pleasured, next time he applies his tongue to your tropical region. That’s what you truly call a “win-win” situation!

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, October 12, 2009

What Men Are Looking For In Relationships

Women frequently ask me what guys are looking for in their relationships with the women in their lives. And although they may realize how uncomplicated guys are, they are still usually surprised by the simplicity of my answer. In general, men are looking for three things when they become involved romantically with a woman:

1) Sex

2) Comfort

3) Companionship

And that’s pretty much it. And while there are certainly some men who have additional prerequisites on their relationship checklists, they are by far the minority, and don’t really merit much examination in a general discussion about men and their motivations.

So on to the first thing that men want (and the highest on their “to-do” list): Sex. As you know, sex is mucho important to guys. It’s what motivates us to get out of bed every morning (with the hope that soon we’ll be hopping back in for a steamy interlude with an equally hot playmate). And as much as most men love to eat, if guys had to choose between sex and food, starvation would be the number one cause of death in the male population. So it only makes sense that one of the primary things we look for in our relationships is sexual compatibility. And while that sounds as if we might be rating your performance in some way, truth-be-told, if you’re willing to get naked with us on a regular basis – then by our yardstick, we’re perfectly compatible.

Okay, let’s now talk about “comfort.” Men often look to their women to provide a safe haven, a comfortable place, a warm atmosphere in which to escape the brutality of everyday life. I’m not talking about a physical environment, but an emotional one (although the physical comfort of resting our weary head on your soft breast is a big favorite of ours). We like to kick back with you in a relaxed atmosphere, away from the pressures of the outside world. We like your supportive attitude and soothing words. We relish your warmth and understanding. In other words, your very presence makes us feel better. Conversely, if you treat us with disdain, criticism and antipathy (like most of the rest of the world), we’re likely to want to be anywhere but where you are.

And now to “companionship.” Like it sounds, what we are looking for is someone who is fun to just be around; a person who shares our interests, dreams, goals and sense of humor; someone who’s just cool to hang out with and willing to accompany us on elaborate (and sometimes hair-brained) adventures. We want a woman who obviously enjoys our company as much as we enjoy hers. And when we’ve found that person we have so much in common with, it is only natural that we try and maximize our time together – so powerful is the draw of compatibility.

So there you have the shockingly simple truth about what we seek in our relationships with you. I know it must seem as if we’re searching for more: perhaps a partner, soul mate, life mate, coffee mate (sorry, couldn’t resist), co-parent or roommate. But actually, although once in awhile that may be our quest, usually our bottom line desire is for the above-mentioned “Big 3.” And unlike GM, Ford and Chrysler, if your guy has those things with you, your relationship will never need a government bailout.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, October 5, 2009

A Man And His Member

Lately there has been a proliferation of bad news: A waning economy, drooping housing market, corporate insolvency, wars, violence, famine, natural disaster, and the cancelling of “Dirty Sexy Money.” Thus, rather than deal with anything too serious in this first column of the New Year, I decided to be a little more light-hearted. The following is the result - an ode to the bond between men and their “manhood.”

To say, “Penises are attached to men,” is to simply state a fact. But saying, “Men are attached to their penises,” is to proclaim an absolute truth.

As you may already know, nothing is so prized a possession to the average male as his own penis. And while straight men have little or no interest in the external plumbing of their brethren (other than as a supporting character in a porno), they can become downright sentimental when pondering their close relationship to their own equipment. To put it bluntly, most men consider their penis to be their best friend. Sure, we are hugely attracted to women. And yes, we enjoy the hell out of spending an evening of football, hot wings and frosty brews with our buds. And true, our slipper-fetching Fido is among our favorite companions. But our true BFF is that roll of flesh we keep sequestered in our shorts.

And why is “cherish” the word we use to describe our penis? Three reasons: Loyalty, reliability and shared common interests. As long as we can remember, our penis has been there for us. Before we even understood its function as “party central,” we appreciated it as the visible symbol of our masculinity, the release valve for our bursting bladders, and a dandy way to practice our cursive in the snow. Then when puberty hit, and all our hormones executed a blitzkrieg of our nether regions, our penises were there to rise to the occasion. Suddenly the whole world of sexuality opened up for us, and it was our trusty tumescent friends who led the way. In times of loneliness, frustration or insomnia, it was our penises that helped us relieve our pent-up tensions. Participation in sports was a fine source of stress relief, but sadly not always convenient or available. Our trusty wieners, however, were ever-ready for action, even late at night and in inclement weather.

As I’m sure some of you are well aware, our affection is so great, that many of us even endow our endowment with a nickname. These monikers can run the gamut from whimsical (“Mr. Happy”) to blatantly boastful (“Sasquatch”). And so concerned are we about our units’ continued good health, that we faithfully endeavor to make certain our “little soldiers” get regular exercise. That’s just how considerate we guys are.

Now you may be asking yourself, “What about his testicles? He hasn’t even touched on them. What are they…chopped liver (I shudder at the very image)?” Well, the truth is, as much as we love and respect this secondary erogenous zone and sperm manufacturing facility, our balls are the “Achilles heel” of our genital compound. They are our weakest link; our most vulnerable spot. Truthfully, we are barely even cognizant of their existence until they are the unfortunate victim of a blunt force trauma. Then, however, their presence drowns out our awareness of virtually all the rest of our anatomy. So, while we wouldn’t want to part with them, the periodic pain associated with our family jewels prevents us from rhapsodizing about them as we do their neighbor to the north.

So you see, our fondness for our own penises cannot be overstated, and our allegiance to them should not be underestimated. And why would you be interested in any of this (optimistically hoping, of course, that you are - and haven’t been “put off” by my dissertation on “a dude and his dingus”)? Because despite our dogged devotion to our penises, there is an anatomical accoutrement over which you have exclusive dominion that we are even more obsessed with. I am referring to, of course… vaginas. We’re absolutely nutty about them. And luckily, so are our little pals. In fact, this popular destination is the top-rated gated community in which ten-out-of-ten penises prefer to reside. Be it ever so warm and cozy, there’s no place like home.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. Al Rights Reserved.