Question: We are struggling in our sex life, due to sickness. My husband has developed two hernias. The one in his tummy he has had for years, but the one in his groin is newer and starting to cause him pain, including during sex. Do you have any advice to help us cope and stay connected sexually. We are both still very attracted to each other, but his hernia is causing him pain. I know the quick fix is to repair his hernia, but we are currently without insurance. Kind of an extra question to you: Does a man enjoy a little buzz to his penis, as a woman does with sex toys? Anyway I would appreciate any advice you can give me. We are both frustrated!!!! …Kim
Answer: First, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that hernias, no matter where there are located, can cause very serious problems if left untreated. Your husband should seek proper medical evaluation and care as soon as he possibly can. I know it may be a financial hardship, but perhaps your physician may have some recommendations as to how this may be treated with a minimum of out-of-pocket expenses. At the very least, it seems worth looking into, if you haven't already done so.
Now to your question: There are many ways for you and your husband to be sexually active without engaging in activities that cause pain. The key is avoiding any movement that puts pressure, stress, or tension on that area of his body. Unfortunately, by its very nature, sexual arousal will naturally cause a tensing in that region, so creativity is a must.
1) If you want to engage in intercourse, try utilizing positions that require a minimum of thrusting on his part. One such position is to straddle your hubby's genital region and carefully insert him inside you. If you are facing him, you are in a great position to kiss and fondle each other. If you sit facing away from him, Reverse Cowgirl-style, you can achieve deep penetration. In either case, as long as you don't get too rambunctious, you're free to yell, "Giddy-up" and ride him to your heart's content (no spurs necessary). And although these positions require you to do all the work, they also allow you to completely set the pace and give you greater ability to orchestrate your pleasure, as well as his.
2) Intercourse aside, there are a number of other sexually intimate activities you can enjoy with a minimum of pain and discomfort. In fact, you might even look at this as an opportunity to more fully explore many forms of sex-play that you might otherwise only consider as foreplay. Rather than engaging in these activities merely to whet your appetite for the “main event,” now what was once an appetizer, becomes a satisfying entrée in its own right. One such example is mutual masturbation. You should feel free to feel freely. And while this may be something you haven’t engaged in to any great extent in years, it can be a very sexy and satisfying experiencing - giving and getting with this hands-on approach to orgasmic release.
3) Of course, most obviously, oral sex should definitely be on the menu if it is your desire to keep pelvic movement and stress to a minimum. Using your mouth on him should cause him only positive stirrings in his loins. And with a minimal effort on your part, you can help yourself to his loving lingual ministrations by carefully perching astride his face. You may trade off giving and receiving oral attention, or engage in simultaneous mouth-to-genital resuscitation by assuming the traditional “69” position (with you on top, of course). Again, consider this not simply a pre-amble to sex, but a lovely, satisfying sexual feast unto itself.
And to answer your question about men enjoying sex toy vibrations on their penis – I’d have to say that this probably varies to some degree from man to man. That said, however, generally speaking, ANY attention or direct stimulation to the penis is likely to be warmly received. The male member may have no conscience but its sincere appreciation of even the slightest gesture is usually quite obvious.
The most important thing to remember in all this is that despite physical limitations, you both still want to demonstrate your sexual desire for each other. This is where the “for better or for worse” really comes into play. Sexuality is an important part of any long-term male-female relationship, and your mutual desire to keep this part of your relationship alive and thriving, bodes well for many happy years together. Congratulations on having the commitment to doing what is necessary to keeping your marriage loving, vital and intimate.
© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Monday, May 10, 2010
Monday, December 8, 2008
What Men Don't Know About Condoms Can Kill You
Several weeks ago I wrote a column on “Men’s Dirty Little Secrets” and spilled the beans on the fact that most men don’t know much about condoms, except that they’re a mood-killer, sensation-duller, and overall huge pain-in-the-ass. At that time, I didn’t elaborate, but judging from your emails, I piqued a number of readers’ curiosity. Thus, I am responding with a short treatise on “The Proper Care and Feeding of a Prophylactic.”
Before I begin, however, I want to address a few questions that might understandably be crossing your mind, such as: “Why is he giving instructions to women on condom usage? Shouldn’t he be giving this info to men? Don’t we have enough birth control methods to be in charge of - can’t guys be responsible for one thing?” All fair questions, to be sure. But the bottom line on this subject is: Despite readily-available instructions, guys are woefully unaware of their lack of knowledge in this arena. And if men are ignorant about how to properly apply, use, remove and dispose of a condom, women are the ones who are going to unwittingly pay the price. And with the price being unwanted pregnancy or contraction of a potentially-fatal disease, the need for you to be educated becomes imperative. It may not be your job, but if your guy is ill-informed or clueless, you will still have to endure the consequences.
The first thing to know about condoms is that they were not originally developed to stop pregnancy. In fact, when they came into existence, their mission was to stop the spread of STDs which were apparently running rampant in certain parts of “civilized society.” Their usage as a contraceptive device didn’t come into play until more than a century later when scientists finally figured out that providing a barrier to those sneaky, resourceful little spermatozoa bastards could effectively limit the number of legitimate and illegitimate offspring who would ultimately be fighting tooth and nail for their share of said sperm producer’s estate. And so it was, that this pesky penis protector, then made of animal intestines, found its way into the hearts, minds and vaginas of our sexually-active ancestors.
But that’s enough digression. Let’s talk about modern condoms and their usage. As you know, when used correctly, today’s latex condoms are touted to be about ninety-seven percent effective as a contraceptive device and offer one of the best defenses against STDs this side of keeping your legs tightly crossed (animal skin condoms, while purportedly offering similar pregnancy protection and more sensation to the male, are a less effective method of stemming the flow of organisms that cause sexually transmitted diseases). So how are these condoms properly used?
1)Always check the expiration date on the condom, something guys generally neglect. While sometimes difficult to do in the heat and low-light of passionate encounters, it is nonetheless vital to the process of effective usage. I mean, you wouldn’t drink expired milk, and the worst that could cause is gastro-intestinal distress. Expired condoms can cause babies and death (a bit dramatic, but still true). 2)The condom needs to be put on before any close encounters with your lower lips. The pre-ejaculate fluid that loiters at the penis tip early on in the erectile process can contain sperm and transmittable microbes if your partner is STD-infected. So “no rubbin’ without a rubber.”
3)The penis needs to be erect before you cloak it in a condom. If your guy optimistically wrapped his manhood before he even picked you up for dinner, demand he re-apply a brand new one (the old one may have been compromised and why take the chance) when he is at “full attention.”
4)Take the new, unexpired, condom out of its packaging. Squeeze the tip, to force out any accumulated air and create a space for the seminal fluid that will certainly be forthcoming (Do this even if the condom is manufactured with a “receptacle tip,” and especially if it is not). Failure to provide adequate room for the impending geyser, significantly increases the likelihood of condom breakage. That spurt of “manseed” has to go somewhere, after all. And if a proper “holding area” hasn’t been created, the expelled semen may actually bust through the latex, making a mess, both literally and figuratively. 5)Next, smooth the condom all the way down the penis. The condom is like a homeowner’s insurance policy, and you’re looking for complete coverage. Why? Because once you get to bumpin’ and grindin’ you want to make sure that sucker is firmly anchored in place, and the more grip-able surface, the better. 6)Now to the matter of lubrication. Those of you who have read my book, “Every Man Sees You Naked,” already know what a lubrication advocate I am. And plentiful lubrication when using a condom is absolutely essential. I am not talking about the warm, organic fluid that naturally moistens your vagina and indicates arousal and penetration-preparedness. I am talking about the kind of lubricant you purchase with mild discomfort at Walgreens, all the while hoping you don’t run into your boss, your elderly aunt, or your pastor. This lubricant should be water-soluble, like KY Jelly or Astroglide. Lotions, butter, or petroleum-based products should never be used with condoms, as their chemical reaction with latex may compromise the condom’s structural integrity. In other words, avoid these unless you want to get knocked-up or infected. Why lubricant? Because sexual activity creates friction and friction can rub you and your condom the wrong way. And though you may only suffer a little soreness, too much friction can increase the risk of condom breakage (Hey, maybe they should make these things out of something a little more durable – like titanium, perhaps). In any case, the more lubrication, the less friction. The less friction, the more effective the condom usage. And it goes without saying; the lubricant goes ON THE OUTSIDE of the condom. Lubricate the inside, and you may later find yourself on a scavenger hunt of your womb.
7)Now a quick word about spermicides. Use of this stealthy sperm assassin can enhance the contraceptive effectiveness of the condom. It may be discreetly purchased online or at your local drug store. And some condoms are even “pre-lubed” with a spermicidal agent…a definite plus. Whatever your choice, if you’re serious about putting off parenthood, a spermicide is an effective complement to other contraceptive measures.
8)So he properly put on his non-expired condom prior to contact with your private parts. He glazed his completely-sheathed erection with the recommended lubricant and then (finally) insinuated himself inside your hospitable environment. Then you two went at it like rabbits. Now, if you don’t want to have bunnies in your future, there is still one more thing he needs to do. Very soon after he has had his orgasm, he must grip the condom at the base, near his testicles, and carefully extricate himself from the warmth of your loins. In plain English, he should cum and go. You see, as soon as your guy ejaculates, he begins to slowly (and sometimes not-so-slowly) lose his erection. This gradual “shrinkage” causes the condom to fit less snuggly and allows for the contained seminal fluid to begin slithering down his shaft and out the bottom of the condom. And if your man is still imbedded in you, all his escaping swimmers may breaststroke their way into your lower passage, searching ever vigilantly for a receptive egg to cozy up to. And you don’t want that to happen, right? So, gently but firmly, insist he “vacate your premises” (your vagina, not your house) soon after he’s done his thing. 9)Once he’s safely withdrawn, he should dispose of his condom in the trash. Suggest to him that he not flush it down the toilet, as it may clog your pipes (and not in a good way). He then should wash all remaining remnants of his “love-juice” off his member before rejoining you in bed to revel in the afterglow (still keeping his penis and your vagina at arm’s length, lest a few stray but potent drops of his discharge be lurking at his penile tip, ready to make their assault on your now unprotected womanhood).
So there it is. Everything you and your guy need to know about how to properly protect both of you from unwanted pregnancy and the spread of nasty illnesses. And although you may think he already knows all this, if he uses a condom and doesn’t strictly adhere to all of the above-mentioned procedures, he really is putting both of you at risk. But if you don’t feel comfortable broaching the subject with him, feel free to literally take matters into your own hands. You can then turn applying, “lubing,” and removing his condom into a sexy, positive experience. He’ll likely appreciate your efforts without ever realizing that your motivation was his lack of knowledge. You protected his ego and your health. And what could be better than that?
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Before I begin, however, I want to address a few questions that might understandably be crossing your mind, such as: “Why is he giving instructions to women on condom usage? Shouldn’t he be giving this info to men? Don’t we have enough birth control methods to be in charge of - can’t guys be responsible for one thing?” All fair questions, to be sure. But the bottom line on this subject is: Despite readily-available instructions, guys are woefully unaware of their lack of knowledge in this arena. And if men are ignorant about how to properly apply, use, remove and dispose of a condom, women are the ones who are going to unwittingly pay the price. And with the price being unwanted pregnancy or contraction of a potentially-fatal disease, the need for you to be educated becomes imperative. It may not be your job, but if your guy is ill-informed or clueless, you will still have to endure the consequences.
The first thing to know about condoms is that they were not originally developed to stop pregnancy. In fact, when they came into existence, their mission was to stop the spread of STDs which were apparently running rampant in certain parts of “civilized society.” Their usage as a contraceptive device didn’t come into play until more than a century later when scientists finally figured out that providing a barrier to those sneaky, resourceful little spermatozoa bastards could effectively limit the number of legitimate and illegitimate offspring who would ultimately be fighting tooth and nail for their share of said sperm producer’s estate. And so it was, that this pesky penis protector, then made of animal intestines, found its way into the hearts, minds and vaginas of our sexually-active ancestors.
But that’s enough digression. Let’s talk about modern condoms and their usage. As you know, when used correctly, today’s latex condoms are touted to be about ninety-seven percent effective as a contraceptive device and offer one of the best defenses against STDs this side of keeping your legs tightly crossed (animal skin condoms, while purportedly offering similar pregnancy protection and more sensation to the male, are a less effective method of stemming the flow of organisms that cause sexually transmitted diseases). So how are these condoms properly used?
1)Always check the expiration date on the condom, something guys generally neglect. While sometimes difficult to do in the heat and low-light of passionate encounters, it is nonetheless vital to the process of effective usage. I mean, you wouldn’t drink expired milk, and the worst that could cause is gastro-intestinal distress. Expired condoms can cause babies and death (a bit dramatic, but still true). 2)The condom needs to be put on before any close encounters with your lower lips. The pre-ejaculate fluid that loiters at the penis tip early on in the erectile process can contain sperm and transmittable microbes if your partner is STD-infected. So “no rubbin’ without a rubber.”
3)The penis needs to be erect before you cloak it in a condom. If your guy optimistically wrapped his manhood before he even picked you up for dinner, demand he re-apply a brand new one (the old one may have been compromised and why take the chance) when he is at “full attention.”
4)Take the new, unexpired, condom out of its packaging. Squeeze the tip, to force out any accumulated air and create a space for the seminal fluid that will certainly be forthcoming (Do this even if the condom is manufactured with a “receptacle tip,” and especially if it is not). Failure to provide adequate room for the impending geyser, significantly increases the likelihood of condom breakage. That spurt of “manseed” has to go somewhere, after all. And if a proper “holding area” hasn’t been created, the expelled semen may actually bust through the latex, making a mess, both literally and figuratively. 5)Next, smooth the condom all the way down the penis. The condom is like a homeowner’s insurance policy, and you’re looking for complete coverage. Why? Because once you get to bumpin’ and grindin’ you want to make sure that sucker is firmly anchored in place, and the more grip-able surface, the better. 6)Now to the matter of lubrication. Those of you who have read my book, “Every Man Sees You Naked,” already know what a lubrication advocate I am. And plentiful lubrication when using a condom is absolutely essential. I am not talking about the warm, organic fluid that naturally moistens your vagina and indicates arousal and penetration-preparedness. I am talking about the kind of lubricant you purchase with mild discomfort at Walgreens, all the while hoping you don’t run into your boss, your elderly aunt, or your pastor. This lubricant should be water-soluble, like KY Jelly or Astroglide. Lotions, butter, or petroleum-based products should never be used with condoms, as their chemical reaction with latex may compromise the condom’s structural integrity. In other words, avoid these unless you want to get knocked-up or infected. Why lubricant? Because sexual activity creates friction and friction can rub you and your condom the wrong way. And though you may only suffer a little soreness, too much friction can increase the risk of condom breakage (Hey, maybe they should make these things out of something a little more durable – like titanium, perhaps). In any case, the more lubrication, the less friction. The less friction, the more effective the condom usage. And it goes without saying; the lubricant goes ON THE OUTSIDE of the condom. Lubricate the inside, and you may later find yourself on a scavenger hunt of your womb.
7)Now a quick word about spermicides. Use of this stealthy sperm assassin can enhance the contraceptive effectiveness of the condom. It may be discreetly purchased online or at your local drug store. And some condoms are even “pre-lubed” with a spermicidal agent…a definite plus. Whatever your choice, if you’re serious about putting off parenthood, a spermicide is an effective complement to other contraceptive measures.
8)So he properly put on his non-expired condom prior to contact with your private parts. He glazed his completely-sheathed erection with the recommended lubricant and then (finally) insinuated himself inside your hospitable environment. Then you two went at it like rabbits. Now, if you don’t want to have bunnies in your future, there is still one more thing he needs to do. Very soon after he has had his orgasm, he must grip the condom at the base, near his testicles, and carefully extricate himself from the warmth of your loins. In plain English, he should cum and go. You see, as soon as your guy ejaculates, he begins to slowly (and sometimes not-so-slowly) lose his erection. This gradual “shrinkage” causes the condom to fit less snuggly and allows for the contained seminal fluid to begin slithering down his shaft and out the bottom of the condom. And if your man is still imbedded in you, all his escaping swimmers may breaststroke their way into your lower passage, searching ever vigilantly for a receptive egg to cozy up to. And you don’t want that to happen, right? So, gently but firmly, insist he “vacate your premises” (your vagina, not your house) soon after he’s done his thing. 9)Once he’s safely withdrawn, he should dispose of his condom in the trash. Suggest to him that he not flush it down the toilet, as it may clog your pipes (and not in a good way). He then should wash all remaining remnants of his “love-juice” off his member before rejoining you in bed to revel in the afterglow (still keeping his penis and your vagina at arm’s length, lest a few stray but potent drops of his discharge be lurking at his penile tip, ready to make their assault on your now unprotected womanhood).
So there it is. Everything you and your guy need to know about how to properly protect both of you from unwanted pregnancy and the spread of nasty illnesses. And although you may think he already knows all this, if he uses a condom and doesn’t strictly adhere to all of the above-mentioned procedures, he really is putting both of you at risk. But if you don’t feel comfortable broaching the subject with him, feel free to literally take matters into your own hands. You can then turn applying, “lubing,” and removing his condom into a sexy, positive experience. He’ll likely appreciate your efforts without ever realizing that your motivation was his lack of knowledge. You protected his ego and your health. And what could be better than that?
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
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