Men and Talking Dirty

As I have pointed out many times before, men are visual creatures.  We see something, and if we find it to be at all sexually appealing, we are apt to become aroused.  Consequently I think most would agree that sight is a primary sexual stimulator for the male of the species.  What may surprise many people is that the sense that stands second-in-line for the title of “most likely to create a ruckus in our lower regions” is…sound.  Sure touch is important to us - but that requires active participation by a partner (or in solitary times, by our own helping hand).  In the case of sound, however, sometimes all we have to do is hear something mildly provocative, whether intentionally or accidentally, to cause our penises to stand up and take notice.  And so powerful is this effect upon us, that what we hear doesn’t even have to be actual words or sentences.  Sometimes grunts, groans, pants or moans can impact us just as much.

It should come as no shock, therefore, that many men find “vocal” partners to be particularly exciting.  Hearing our sexual co-conspirator’s enthusiastic, extemporaneous verbal utterances gets us hot.  And if your gasps and heavy breathing are punctuated with brief, lewd language - so much the better.  In other words, many of us really get off on your talking dirty. 

It is important to note, however, when employing “naughty language,” that not all words are equally…potent.  Use of clinical terms like “penis,” “vagina,” “breasts,” “testicles,” or heaven forbid, “sexual intercourse,” while effectively communicating your meaning or desire, do very little to “heat things up” when spoken in the midst of an intimate encounter.  Rather it is the usually-forbidden terms, those four-letter vulgarities that are banned from the public airwaves, that prove to be the most effective and therefore, stimulating.  And in the language of passion, “brief” is always better.  “Lick me,”  “harder,” or “yeah, like that,” are always preferable to lengthier, perhaps more literate exclamations, like, “I find what you are doing to be quite stimulating and if you continue I sense a climax is in the offing.”  In other words, dirty talk should be quick, fun, obscene, often grammatically incorrect, and above all...nasty.  It is, in fact, the graphic, apparently unrestrained nature of these outbursts that is responsible for their “sizzle.”

It is interesting to note, that for some reason, even otherwise “innocent” terms can, when properly used, be sexually charged.  Unassuming words like, “wet,” “juicy,” “more” or “coming” can be totally titillating when correctly utilized in the heat of passion.  And while spritzing Fluffy with a hose will certainly annoy and anger your cat, in other circumstances exhortations about a wet pussy might have significantly more positive implications.

So what does all this mean?  Well, if you were looking to spice up your sex life, or make a hot encounter even steamier, you now have an additional tool in your sexual arsenal.  Or if you were just seeking further verification that men are “pervs” and get turned on by the weirdest stuff…your suspicions have unquestionably been confirmed.  In either case, you now know that any inclination you may have had to “add audio” to your lovemaking, is definitely “right-minded” as far as guys are concerned.  We applaud your asserting yourself and heartily encourage you to leave the silent majority and become the gutter-mouthed girl of our dreams.

© 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Things Men Love

A few months ago, I wrote a column about three things that men hate.  It was meant to illuminate those things that men generally feel negatively toward.  However, it may have erroneously created the impression that guys are discontented with their lives and possess a primarily negative world-view.  And honestly, nothing could be further from the truth.  So, in the interest of fair and even coverage of the mind and motivations of the male of the species, I want to explore the other side of things.  I’m talking about those things that men pretty much universally love.

Although it probably goes without saying, I am nonetheless going to mention the item that is Number One on the list of “our favorite things.”  And no, snowflakes, copper kettles and mittens of any fabric, do not make the cut.  As I’m sure you already suspected, the topper of our “want list” is…sex.  It’s what we consider the perfect pastime. In fact, guys spend more time whiling away the hours joyously contemplating what they optimistically perceive as the unlimited sexual possibilities that exist for them in the world.  And while their expectations and fantasies ultimately prove to be hopelessly unrealistic, their enthusiasm will not be diminished one iota.  Men love sex… all sex - good, bad or mediocre (though we prefer “good”).  In fact, if you gave men the choice of either giving up sex or their right arm, the world would be filled with guys nicknamed “lefty.”

It may surprise you to learn that all our wants and desires aren’t completely frivolous.  Also high on our list is our love for being able to successfully provide for ourselves and our families.  Men are very goal oriented, and our biggest goal is to be a successful provider.  In many ways it defines who we are.  If we are able to supply the things our families need, we feel good about ourselves.  And the more we can exceed the minimum necessities the more contented we become.  Conversely, a man who is unable to meet his family’s needs, regardless of the reason, feels, at best, ill-at-ease, and at worst, an abject failure.  Rightly or wrongly men derive their self respect from their economic accomplishments.  So it only makes sense that our success in this area would be something we would greatly prize.

What else do we like?  Gadgets.  We are oddly attracted to anything that does something cool.  No matter how impractical, unnecessary, or fiscally foolish a device is, if it accomplishes some mundane task in a new and interesting way, through chemistry, electronics or simple mechanics, we are inextricably drawn to it.  And if it has lots of flashing lights, our credit cards are literally leaping out of our wallets.  Why are we fascinated by gadgets?  Who knows.  I’m not even certain anyone has seriously explored this topic.  But that doesn’t change the fact that one of the simple truths about us is that boys really love their toys.  And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

And finally, guys love any odor produced by their own bodies.  That statement is self-explanatory and deserves no elaboration.   Bizarre? Yes.  Icky?  Definitely.  True?  You betcha.

The items mentioned above are but the tip of the iceberg of the things that cause men to bound out of bed each morning with enthusiasm for the new day and a zest for life in general. And though the complete list is rather extensive, I promise to elaborate on it more fully at some point in the future.  Oh, and did I mention…men really love sex? 

© 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Oral Sex – To Swallow Or Not

Question: I've been married for twenty years and been together twenty-three. My husband and I are just in our early 40's, so we got married when we were still pretty young and "adventurous" and have continued with a great sex life. During our entire relationship I have always been a "catch & spit" kind of girl. Over the years my husband has mentioned swallowing always in a joking manner and always adding it didn't matter to him either way. I have just, within the last year, tried swallowing a couple times but...can't get with it! Does it really matter to most men? And if so, why? ...Jessica

Answer: "To spit or not to spit, that is the question"...and a good one, at that. Many women have been faced with the dilemma of not knowing what to "do" with a mouthful of goo. And to be fair, there is no one "right" answer. I will, however, try to elaborate a bit on the subject and explore why this issue regularly rears its ugly head (no pun intended) in male/female relationships.

First it must be said that while oral sex is quite common a practice in society today, there are still people, both women and men, who adhere to a diet that does not include the "fruit of our loins." In fact, it appears that women in general fall into four categories: 1) Those who don’t engage in oral sex; 2) Those who do, but remove "Mr. Happy" before he reaches the pinnacle of his enthusiasm; 3) Those who "go the distance," but expel their partner's deposit before it can accrue any interest; and 4) Those who ingest their special someone's love liquid. And which category a woman falls into can change from time to time and partner to partner. And frankly, if you fall into any of the latter three categories, you'll probably never hear us complain, because we're just pleased as punch to be getting a little "face time."

But now to the question: Does your swallowing our DNA really matter to us...and why? Quite frankly, for most men, I believe it is more a matter of attitude and less of consumption. If you "get rid of" our semen shooter by sexily dribbling it onto our body (or even better, your own) and then rubbing the sticky sap over any conveniently exposed flesh, most guys will be in heaven, and all thoughts of swallowing will be quickly forgotten. If, on the other hand, you convulsively spit out our stuff as if it were dry cleaning fluid, we’re likely to be a little put off. And while some guys may look at your swallowing their sperm as an unconditional acceptance of them, most men simply don't want to feel like you're completely grossed-out by their emission. We want to believe that you're fond of our ejaculate, because we consider it a close, personal friend, and we like our friends to get along. The bottom line is: We appreciate it when you swallow because we believe it shows you like us, sperm and all, and your willingness to engage in this behavior demonstrates a sexual inhibition that we find enormously appealing.

The most important thing to remember on this subject, however, is that men realize that you may not share our enthusiasm for our semen, and once it leaves our body and enters any part of yours, our jurisdiction ceases, and your rule-of-law applies. So while we might like you to accommodate our desire to savor our seed, it is hardly a deal-breaker. We understand that the final destination of our sperm is often beyond our control. We're just ecstatic that it occasionally has a chance to be out and about. And that's a truth that I hope you'll have no trouble swallowing.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Men And “Bad Sex”

Today I would like to dispel a lousy rumor; one that persists despite the fact that it is not now, nor ever was true. I’m talking about, of course, the idea that to men there is no such thing as “bad sex.” This is absolutely false. We do recognize bad sex. But like lite beer and arena football, we will grudgingly embrace it if it’s the best of our readily available options. Because what is equally true is that most men feel that some sex, even that of inferior quality, is better than no sex at all.

Now I know that some of you are thinking, “Wait. Guys almost always have orgasms. How ‘bad’ could sex be if they’re erupting all over the place?” Good question. And frankly, it’s easy to understand your confusion, because, for you, orgasm is indicative of achieving a certain level of sexual excitement that doesn’t always happen. Not true for us. For the most part, we consider sex and ejaculation almost synonymous. One naturally follows the other. Like night following day, or summer following spring, or flatulence following a chili cook-off, men are used to orgasm being the dependable conclusion to any sexual interlude. And with rare exceptions this is the case…for us. Men rarely begin a sexual activity wondering if they will climax. We may worry about being unable to get or maintain an erection. We may fret over coming too soon. But we feel pretty confident that if we can get it up and get it in, getting it on will lead to getting us off. It’s that simple.

What this all means is that, for guys, our climax doesn’t indicate we had good sex, it just indicates we had…sex. And for most of us, that, in and of itself, is a positive thing. We still recognize different qualitative levels of sexual encounters, but we’re so thrilled to be having sex with someone other than ourselves that we rarely, if ever, bring up the issue, unless it’s to compliment you on your performance or the remarkably hospitable temperament of your vagina (though we probably won’t use those words).
So don’t expect to ever hear us complain or rate our sexual experience with you as less-than-stellar. We’re smart enough to know that a critique or constructive criticism is less likely to lead to better sex, and more likely to lead to the unmistakable thud of your thighs slamming shut – never to be reopened in our presence again. It is a sound that creates terror in our minds, emptiness in our hearts, and inconsolable sadness in parts below. So do guys ever really have “bad sex?” With others, perhaps, but never with you.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

“Doing It” With A Hernia

Question: We are struggling in our sex life, due to sickness. My husband has developed two hernias. The one in his tummy he has had for years, but the one in his groin is newer and starting to cause him pain, including during sex. Do you have any advice to help us cope and stay connected sexually. We are both still very attracted to each other, but his hernia is causing him pain. I know the quick fix is to repair his hernia, but we are currently without insurance. Kind of an extra question to you: Does a man enjoy a little buzz to his penis, as a woman does with sex toys? Anyway I would appreciate any advice you can give me. We are both frustrated!!!! …Kim

Answer: First, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that hernias, no matter where there are located, can cause very serious problems if left untreated. Your husband should seek proper medical evaluation and care as soon as he possibly can. I know it may be a financial hardship, but perhaps your physician may have some recommendations as to how this may be treated with a minimum of out-of-pocket expenses. At the very least, it seems worth looking into, if you haven't already done so.

Now to your question: There are many ways for you and your husband to be sexually active without engaging in activities that cause pain. The key is avoiding any movement that puts pressure, stress, or tension on that area of his body. Unfortunately, by its very nature, sexual arousal will naturally cause a tensing in that region, so creativity is a must.

1) If you want to engage in intercourse, try utilizing positions that require a minimum of thrusting on his part. One such position is to straddle your hubby's genital region and carefully insert him inside you. If you are facing him, you are in a great position to kiss and fondle each other. If you sit facing away from him, Reverse Cowgirl-style, you can achieve deep penetration. In either case, as long as you don't get too rambunctious, you're free to yell, "Giddy-up" and ride him to your heart's content (no spurs necessary). And although these positions require you to do all the work, they also allow you to completely set the pace and give you greater ability to orchestrate your pleasure, as well as his.

2) Intercourse aside, there are a number of other sexually intimate activities you can enjoy with a minimum of pain and discomfort. In fact, you might even look at this as an opportunity to more fully explore many forms of sex-play that you might otherwise only consider as foreplay. Rather than engaging in these activities merely to whet your appetite for the “main event,” now what was once an appetizer, becomes a satisfying entrée in its own right. One such example is mutual masturbation. You should feel free to feel freely. And while this may be something you haven’t engaged in to any great extent in years, it can be a very sexy and satisfying experiencing - giving and getting with this hands-on approach to orgasmic release.

3) Of course, most obviously, oral sex should definitely be on the menu if it is your desire to keep pelvic movement and stress to a minimum. Using your mouth on him should cause him only positive stirrings in his loins. And with a minimal effort on your part, you can help yourself to his loving lingual ministrations by carefully perching astride his face. You may trade off giving and receiving oral attention, or engage in simultaneous mouth-to-genital resuscitation by assuming the traditional “69” position (with you on top, of course). Again, consider this not simply a pre-amble to sex, but a lovely, satisfying sexual feast unto itself.

And to answer your question about men enjoying sex toy vibrations on their penis – I’d have to say that this probably varies to some degree from man to man. That said, however, generally speaking, ANY attention or direct stimulation to the penis is likely to be warmly received. The male member may have no conscience but its sincere appreciation of even the slightest gesture is usually quite obvious.

The most important thing to remember in all this is that despite physical limitations, you both still want to demonstrate your sexual desire for each other. This is where the “for better or for worse” really comes into play. Sexuality is an important part of any long-term male-female relationship, and your mutual desire to keep this part of your relationship alive and thriving, bodes well for many happy years together. Congratulations on having the commitment to doing what is necessary to keeping your marriage loving, vital and intimate.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

What Your Guy Friends Are Really Thinking

If you are like many women today, in addition to numerous female friends, you also have (or did have at one point in time) several male friends. For the most part, these are guys whose company you enjoy, but who you don’t date. You hang out with them, share what’s going on in your personal lives, get their “male perspective” on things, but that’s about as far as it goes. Sure, you love them…but like brothers. And you wouldn’t even think about ever having sex with them, because that’s not what your relationship is about. And you know they feel exactly the same way. They cherish your company and friendship, but unlike all the other men in your life, they have absolutely no interest in the tropical tempest between your thighs. And I’m here to say that you can be absolutely confident that this is true… if they are either under the age of ten, comatose, or gay. Otherwise, you’re living in a fool’s paradise.

“That’s just a bunch of cynical crap,” I hear you say. “My male friends like me only as a friend…period.” Are you sure? Or are you just assuming because you don’t think of them ‘in that way.’ that they feel similarly? Now I admit that these relationships seem innocent enough. After all, you’ve spent lots of time together and they’ve never once indicated any sexual interest in you. If they were hungering to be enveloped by your womanly flesh, wouldn’t they have said something? Obviously, they are immune to the gravitational pull of your private parts that keep other men orbiting you like hormone-infused asteroids. And I agree that on the surface it appears their interest is purely platonic, but trust me when I tell you that, know it or not, their penises are casting furtive glances at your nether region when it’s not looking.

So why haven’t they said or done anything to let you know how they truly feel? There could be a few reasons: 1) One or both of you might be in a relationship and the timing is wrong; 2) They know you have no sexual interest in them, and any move they make will be met with negativity, anger or serious laughter; or 3) They have no “game” and don’t know how to make a move on you. Whatever the reason, one thing is certain: In their heart-of-hearts, they hope that one magical evening, one or both of you will be so liquored-up that courage will overcome fear of rejection, pesky inhibitions will disappear along with clothing and at last the two of you will be able to allow your genitals some quality time together. Hey, a guy can dream, can’t he?

Still think I don’t know what I’m talking about; that your guy friends have no interest in getting physical with you? Fine. Next time you’re alone with one of them, tell him you’ve given it some thought and you’d like to have sex with him. If you’re right, there’ll be a moment of uncomfortable silence, after which you’ll play it all off as a joke and the two of you can have a good laugh. More likely, however, the awkward silence will be replaced by the metallic song of zipper teeth as your friend hurriedly discards his clothing in an effort to show you just how “friendly” he can be.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Is Hubby’s 20-Something Co-Worker Hot For Her?

Question: I am a woman in my mid forties and I think a 26 year-old co-worker of my husband’s wants to have sex with me. How do I know for sure? What are the signs a man gives? …Joy

Answer: First let me say, that if you suspect that a man you know wants to have sex with you, chances are you're right. For the most part, it is pretty much automatic that if a guy finds you attractive he has at least considered the possibility of having sex with you. Now, of course, if you or he are involved in other relationships, then fantasizing about exploring your "inner space" may be as far as he's willing to take it. There are, however, a large number of men who won't be in the least deterred by your seeming lack of availability, much less their own. To these guys, a wedding ring (yours or theirs) is just another piece of jewelry. It's hardly more than a tiny speed-bump on the road to your vagina.

So what are the specific signs that you are on his "to-do" list? Well, every man is different, but there certainly are some behaviors that are more or less universal to a man-with-a-mission.

1) If he goes out of his way to initiate lengthy conversation with you and seems to hang on your every word

2) If he compliments you excessively

3) If he is overtly flirtatious

4) If he guides your conversation into a provocative or sexual area

5) If he touches you frequently while talking to you

6) If he makes suggestive remarks to you that you wouldn’t feel comfortable having your husband hear

7) If he suggests you “get together” to “talk” sometime

8) If his eyes have been surveying your body like a thief trying to find your most vulnerable “point-of-entry”

Of course any of these things could be innocent, but more-often-than-not they indicate a sexually motivated agenda: He finds you attractive for any number of reasons and wants to get naked with you.

The question then becomes, “What should you do about it? Should you throw caution to the wind and go for it?” My advice would be a resounding “no.” I’ll forgo moralizing over the betrayal of your marriage vows, which may or may not be important to you. That’s between you and your conscience. On a more practical level, however, other than a short-lived “sexual high,” what’s in this for you? Twenty-six-year-old men aren’t typically interested in long-term relationships. He is likely looking for a hot, sweaty encounter with an “older” woman. Very exotic for him, but not something that will have any longevity or depth. Are you willing to risk your relationship with your husband to taste that forbidden fruit? Sure, people do it all the time (especially men), but the fallout can devastate a marriage.

But maybe you’re thinking, “If we’re careful, nobody will find out.” Good luck with that. Since you indicated he is a co-worker of your husband’s, I am not optimistic about your chances of keeping a clandestine fling secret. Your admirer’s regular workplace interaction with your husband creates an enormous risk of exposure of any covert “under-cover” work you and your lover are engaged in. And even if he and you are vigilant in your efforts not to “slip up” in front of your husband, you still have to manage to stay under the radar of that incredibly effective information super highway - the office gossip machine. This all-knowing, all-seeing, shadowy web of intelligence-gathering should never be underestimated. Their information, though often based primarily on speculation and conjecture, is still uncannily accurate, and can undermine your best efforts to “keep a lid” on your extracurricular activities. And that kind of exposure may not only jeopardize your relationship with both men, it can cause such disruption in the workplace that it could possibly lead to one or both men having to terminate their employment.

My best advice is to be flattered by the attention and let it go at that. If you give him no encouragement, he is likely to move on. Both of you will still be free to fantasize about what “could have been,” which in many cases is a lot steamier (and certainly safer) than the tawdry reality of “taking a walk on the wild side.”

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.