Men and Talking Dirty

As I have pointed out many times before, men are visual creatures.  We see something, and if we find it to be at all sexually appealing, we are apt to become aroused.  Consequently I think most would agree that sight is a primary sexual stimulator for the male of the species.  What may surprise many people is that the sense that stands second-in-line for the title of “most likely to create a ruckus in our lower regions” is…sound.  Sure touch is important to us - but that requires active participation by a partner (or in solitary times, by our own helping hand).  In the case of sound, however, sometimes all we have to do is hear something mildly provocative, whether intentionally or accidentally, to cause our penises to stand up and take notice.  And so powerful is this effect upon us, that what we hear doesn’t even have to be actual words or sentences.  Sometimes grunts, groans, pants or moans can impact us just as much.

It should come as no shock, therefore, that many men find “vocal” partners to be particularly exciting.  Hearing our sexual co-conspirator’s enthusiastic, extemporaneous verbal utterances gets us hot.  And if your gasps and heavy breathing are punctuated with brief, lewd language - so much the better.  In other words, many of us really get off on your talking dirty. 

It is important to note, however, when employing “naughty language,” that not all words are equally…potent.  Use of clinical terms like “penis,” “vagina,” “breasts,” “testicles,” or heaven forbid, “sexual intercourse,” while effectively communicating your meaning or desire, do very little to “heat things up” when spoken in the midst of an intimate encounter.  Rather it is the usually-forbidden terms, those four-letter vulgarities that are banned from the public airwaves, that prove to be the most effective and therefore, stimulating.  And in the language of passion, “brief” is always better.  “Lick me,”  “harder,” or “yeah, like that,” are always preferable to lengthier, perhaps more literate exclamations, like, “I find what you are doing to be quite stimulating and if you continue I sense a climax is in the offing.”  In other words, dirty talk should be quick, fun, obscene, often grammatically incorrect, and above all...nasty.  It is, in fact, the graphic, apparently unrestrained nature of these outbursts that is responsible for their “sizzle.”

It is interesting to note, that for some reason, even otherwise “innocent” terms can, when properly used, be sexually charged.  Unassuming words like, “wet,” “juicy,” “more” or “coming” can be totally titillating when correctly utilized in the heat of passion.  And while spritzing Fluffy with a hose will certainly annoy and anger your cat, in other circumstances exhortations about a wet pussy might have significantly more positive implications.

So what does all this mean?  Well, if you were looking to spice up your sex life, or make a hot encounter even steamier, you now have an additional tool in your sexual arsenal.  Or if you were just seeking further verification that men are “pervs” and get turned on by the weirdest stuff…your suspicions have unquestionably been confirmed.  In either case, you now know that any inclination you may have had to “add audio” to your lovemaking, is definitely “right-minded” as far as guys are concerned.  We applaud your asserting yourself and heartily encourage you to leave the silent majority and become the gutter-mouthed girl of our dreams.

© 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Things Men Love

A few months ago, I wrote a column about three things that men hate.  It was meant to illuminate those things that men generally feel negatively toward.  However, it may have erroneously created the impression that guys are discontented with their lives and possess a primarily negative world-view.  And honestly, nothing could be further from the truth.  So, in the interest of fair and even coverage of the mind and motivations of the male of the species, I want to explore the other side of things.  I’m talking about those things that men pretty much universally love.

Although it probably goes without saying, I am nonetheless going to mention the item that is Number One on the list of “our favorite things.”  And no, snowflakes, copper kettles and mittens of any fabric, do not make the cut.  As I’m sure you already suspected, the topper of our “want list” is…sex.  It’s what we consider the perfect pastime. In fact, guys spend more time whiling away the hours joyously contemplating what they optimistically perceive as the unlimited sexual possibilities that exist for them in the world.  And while their expectations and fantasies ultimately prove to be hopelessly unrealistic, their enthusiasm will not be diminished one iota.  Men love sex… all sex - good, bad or mediocre (though we prefer “good”).  In fact, if you gave men the choice of either giving up sex or their right arm, the world would be filled with guys nicknamed “lefty.”

It may surprise you to learn that all our wants and desires aren’t completely frivolous.  Also high on our list is our love for being able to successfully provide for ourselves and our families.  Men are very goal oriented, and our biggest goal is to be a successful provider.  In many ways it defines who we are.  If we are able to supply the things our families need, we feel good about ourselves.  And the more we can exceed the minimum necessities the more contented we become.  Conversely, a man who is unable to meet his family’s needs, regardless of the reason, feels, at best, ill-at-ease, and at worst, an abject failure.  Rightly or wrongly men derive their self respect from their economic accomplishments.  So it only makes sense that our success in this area would be something we would greatly prize.

What else do we like?  Gadgets.  We are oddly attracted to anything that does something cool.  No matter how impractical, unnecessary, or fiscally foolish a device is, if it accomplishes some mundane task in a new and interesting way, through chemistry, electronics or simple mechanics, we are inextricably drawn to it.  And if it has lots of flashing lights, our credit cards are literally leaping out of our wallets.  Why are we fascinated by gadgets?  Who knows.  I’m not even certain anyone has seriously explored this topic.  But that doesn’t change the fact that one of the simple truths about us is that boys really love their toys.  And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

And finally, guys love any odor produced by their own bodies.  That statement is self-explanatory and deserves no elaboration.   Bizarre? Yes.  Icky?  Definitely.  True?  You betcha.

The items mentioned above are but the tip of the iceberg of the things that cause men to bound out of bed each morning with enthusiasm for the new day and a zest for life in general. And though the complete list is rather extensive, I promise to elaborate on it more fully at some point in the future.  Oh, and did I mention…men really love sex? 

© 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Oral Sex – To Swallow Or Not

Question: I've been married for twenty years and been together twenty-three. My husband and I are just in our early 40's, so we got married when we were still pretty young and "adventurous" and have continued with a great sex life. During our entire relationship I have always been a "catch & spit" kind of girl. Over the years my husband has mentioned swallowing always in a joking manner and always adding it didn't matter to him either way. I have just, within the last year, tried swallowing a couple times but...can't get with it! Does it really matter to most men? And if so, why? ...Jessica

Answer: "To spit or not to spit, that is the question"...and a good one, at that. Many women have been faced with the dilemma of not knowing what to "do" with a mouthful of goo. And to be fair, there is no one "right" answer. I will, however, try to elaborate a bit on the subject and explore why this issue regularly rears its ugly head (no pun intended) in male/female relationships.

First it must be said that while oral sex is quite common a practice in society today, there are still people, both women and men, who adhere to a diet that does not include the "fruit of our loins." In fact, it appears that women in general fall into four categories: 1) Those who don’t engage in oral sex; 2) Those who do, but remove "Mr. Happy" before he reaches the pinnacle of his enthusiasm; 3) Those who "go the distance," but expel their partner's deposit before it can accrue any interest; and 4) Those who ingest their special someone's love liquid. And which category a woman falls into can change from time to time and partner to partner. And frankly, if you fall into any of the latter three categories, you'll probably never hear us complain, because we're just pleased as punch to be getting a little "face time."

But now to the question: Does your swallowing our DNA really matter to us...and why? Quite frankly, for most men, I believe it is more a matter of attitude and less of consumption. If you "get rid of" our semen shooter by sexily dribbling it onto our body (or even better, your own) and then rubbing the sticky sap over any conveniently exposed flesh, most guys will be in heaven, and all thoughts of swallowing will be quickly forgotten. If, on the other hand, you convulsively spit out our stuff as if it were dry cleaning fluid, we’re likely to be a little put off. And while some guys may look at your swallowing their sperm as an unconditional acceptance of them, most men simply don't want to feel like you're completely grossed-out by their emission. We want to believe that you're fond of our ejaculate, because we consider it a close, personal friend, and we like our friends to get along. The bottom line is: We appreciate it when you swallow because we believe it shows you like us, sperm and all, and your willingness to engage in this behavior demonstrates a sexual inhibition that we find enormously appealing.

The most important thing to remember on this subject, however, is that men realize that you may not share our enthusiasm for our semen, and once it leaves our body and enters any part of yours, our jurisdiction ceases, and your rule-of-law applies. So while we might like you to accommodate our desire to savor our seed, it is hardly a deal-breaker. We understand that the final destination of our sperm is often beyond our control. We're just ecstatic that it occasionally has a chance to be out and about. And that's a truth that I hope you'll have no trouble swallowing.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Men And “Bad Sex”

Today I would like to dispel a lousy rumor; one that persists despite the fact that it is not now, nor ever was true. I’m talking about, of course, the idea that to men there is no such thing as “bad sex.” This is absolutely false. We do recognize bad sex. But like lite beer and arena football, we will grudgingly embrace it if it’s the best of our readily available options. Because what is equally true is that most men feel that some sex, even that of inferior quality, is better than no sex at all.

Now I know that some of you are thinking, “Wait. Guys almost always have orgasms. How ‘bad’ could sex be if they’re erupting all over the place?” Good question. And frankly, it’s easy to understand your confusion, because, for you, orgasm is indicative of achieving a certain level of sexual excitement that doesn’t always happen. Not true for us. For the most part, we consider sex and ejaculation almost synonymous. One naturally follows the other. Like night following day, or summer following spring, or flatulence following a chili cook-off, men are used to orgasm being the dependable conclusion to any sexual interlude. And with rare exceptions this is the case…for us. Men rarely begin a sexual activity wondering if they will climax. We may worry about being unable to get or maintain an erection. We may fret over coming too soon. But we feel pretty confident that if we can get it up and get it in, getting it on will lead to getting us off. It’s that simple.

What this all means is that, for guys, our climax doesn’t indicate we had good sex, it just indicates we had…sex. And for most of us, that, in and of itself, is a positive thing. We still recognize different qualitative levels of sexual encounters, but we’re so thrilled to be having sex with someone other than ourselves that we rarely, if ever, bring up the issue, unless it’s to compliment you on your performance or the remarkably hospitable temperament of your vagina (though we probably won’t use those words).
So don’t expect to ever hear us complain or rate our sexual experience with you as less-than-stellar. We’re smart enough to know that a critique or constructive criticism is less likely to lead to better sex, and more likely to lead to the unmistakable thud of your thighs slamming shut – never to be reopened in our presence again. It is a sound that creates terror in our minds, emptiness in our hearts, and inconsolable sadness in parts below. So do guys ever really have “bad sex?” With others, perhaps, but never with you.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

“Doing It” With A Hernia

Question: We are struggling in our sex life, due to sickness. My husband has developed two hernias. The one in his tummy he has had for years, but the one in his groin is newer and starting to cause him pain, including during sex. Do you have any advice to help us cope and stay connected sexually. We are both still very attracted to each other, but his hernia is causing him pain. I know the quick fix is to repair his hernia, but we are currently without insurance. Kind of an extra question to you: Does a man enjoy a little buzz to his penis, as a woman does with sex toys? Anyway I would appreciate any advice you can give me. We are both frustrated!!!! …Kim

Answer: First, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that hernias, no matter where there are located, can cause very serious problems if left untreated. Your husband should seek proper medical evaluation and care as soon as he possibly can. I know it may be a financial hardship, but perhaps your physician may have some recommendations as to how this may be treated with a minimum of out-of-pocket expenses. At the very least, it seems worth looking into, if you haven't already done so.

Now to your question: There are many ways for you and your husband to be sexually active without engaging in activities that cause pain. The key is avoiding any movement that puts pressure, stress, or tension on that area of his body. Unfortunately, by its very nature, sexual arousal will naturally cause a tensing in that region, so creativity is a must.

1) If you want to engage in intercourse, try utilizing positions that require a minimum of thrusting on his part. One such position is to straddle your hubby's genital region and carefully insert him inside you. If you are facing him, you are in a great position to kiss and fondle each other. If you sit facing away from him, Reverse Cowgirl-style, you can achieve deep penetration. In either case, as long as you don't get too rambunctious, you're free to yell, "Giddy-up" and ride him to your heart's content (no spurs necessary). And although these positions require you to do all the work, they also allow you to completely set the pace and give you greater ability to orchestrate your pleasure, as well as his.

2) Intercourse aside, there are a number of other sexually intimate activities you can enjoy with a minimum of pain and discomfort. In fact, you might even look at this as an opportunity to more fully explore many forms of sex-play that you might otherwise only consider as foreplay. Rather than engaging in these activities merely to whet your appetite for the “main event,” now what was once an appetizer, becomes a satisfying entrée in its own right. One such example is mutual masturbation. You should feel free to feel freely. And while this may be something you haven’t engaged in to any great extent in years, it can be a very sexy and satisfying experiencing - giving and getting with this hands-on approach to orgasmic release.

3) Of course, most obviously, oral sex should definitely be on the menu if it is your desire to keep pelvic movement and stress to a minimum. Using your mouth on him should cause him only positive stirrings in his loins. And with a minimal effort on your part, you can help yourself to his loving lingual ministrations by carefully perching astride his face. You may trade off giving and receiving oral attention, or engage in simultaneous mouth-to-genital resuscitation by assuming the traditional “69” position (with you on top, of course). Again, consider this not simply a pre-amble to sex, but a lovely, satisfying sexual feast unto itself.

And to answer your question about men enjoying sex toy vibrations on their penis – I’d have to say that this probably varies to some degree from man to man. That said, however, generally speaking, ANY attention or direct stimulation to the penis is likely to be warmly received. The male member may have no conscience but its sincere appreciation of even the slightest gesture is usually quite obvious.

The most important thing to remember in all this is that despite physical limitations, you both still want to demonstrate your sexual desire for each other. This is where the “for better or for worse” really comes into play. Sexuality is an important part of any long-term male-female relationship, and your mutual desire to keep this part of your relationship alive and thriving, bodes well for many happy years together. Congratulations on having the commitment to doing what is necessary to keeping your marriage loving, vital and intimate.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

What Your Guy Friends Are Really Thinking

If you are like many women today, in addition to numerous female friends, you also have (or did have at one point in time) several male friends. For the most part, these are guys whose company you enjoy, but who you don’t date. You hang out with them, share what’s going on in your personal lives, get their “male perspective” on things, but that’s about as far as it goes. Sure, you love them…but like brothers. And you wouldn’t even think about ever having sex with them, because that’s not what your relationship is about. And you know they feel exactly the same way. They cherish your company and friendship, but unlike all the other men in your life, they have absolutely no interest in the tropical tempest between your thighs. And I’m here to say that you can be absolutely confident that this is true… if they are either under the age of ten, comatose, or gay. Otherwise, you’re living in a fool’s paradise.

“That’s just a bunch of cynical crap,” I hear you say. “My male friends like me only as a friend…period.” Are you sure? Or are you just assuming because you don’t think of them ‘in that way.’ that they feel similarly? Now I admit that these relationships seem innocent enough. After all, you’ve spent lots of time together and they’ve never once indicated any sexual interest in you. If they were hungering to be enveloped by your womanly flesh, wouldn’t they have said something? Obviously, they are immune to the gravitational pull of your private parts that keep other men orbiting you like hormone-infused asteroids. And I agree that on the surface it appears their interest is purely platonic, but trust me when I tell you that, know it or not, their penises are casting furtive glances at your nether region when it’s not looking.

So why haven’t they said or done anything to let you know how they truly feel? There could be a few reasons: 1) One or both of you might be in a relationship and the timing is wrong; 2) They know you have no sexual interest in them, and any move they make will be met with negativity, anger or serious laughter; or 3) They have no “game” and don’t know how to make a move on you. Whatever the reason, one thing is certain: In their heart-of-hearts, they hope that one magical evening, one or both of you will be so liquored-up that courage will overcome fear of rejection, pesky inhibitions will disappear along with clothing and at last the two of you will be able to allow your genitals some quality time together. Hey, a guy can dream, can’t he?

Still think I don’t know what I’m talking about; that your guy friends have no interest in getting physical with you? Fine. Next time you’re alone with one of them, tell him you’ve given it some thought and you’d like to have sex with him. If you’re right, there’ll be a moment of uncomfortable silence, after which you’ll play it all off as a joke and the two of you can have a good laugh. More likely, however, the awkward silence will be replaced by the metallic song of zipper teeth as your friend hurriedly discards his clothing in an effort to show you just how “friendly” he can be.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Is Hubby’s 20-Something Co-Worker Hot For Her?

Question: I am a woman in my mid forties and I think a 26 year-old co-worker of my husband’s wants to have sex with me. How do I know for sure? What are the signs a man gives? …Joy

Answer: First let me say, that if you suspect that a man you know wants to have sex with you, chances are you're right. For the most part, it is pretty much automatic that if a guy finds you attractive he has at least considered the possibility of having sex with you. Now, of course, if you or he are involved in other relationships, then fantasizing about exploring your "inner space" may be as far as he's willing to take it. There are, however, a large number of men who won't be in the least deterred by your seeming lack of availability, much less their own. To these guys, a wedding ring (yours or theirs) is just another piece of jewelry. It's hardly more than a tiny speed-bump on the road to your vagina.

So what are the specific signs that you are on his "to-do" list? Well, every man is different, but there certainly are some behaviors that are more or less universal to a man-with-a-mission.

1) If he goes out of his way to initiate lengthy conversation with you and seems to hang on your every word

2) If he compliments you excessively

3) If he is overtly flirtatious

4) If he guides your conversation into a provocative or sexual area

5) If he touches you frequently while talking to you

6) If he makes suggestive remarks to you that you wouldn’t feel comfortable having your husband hear

7) If he suggests you “get together” to “talk” sometime

8) If his eyes have been surveying your body like a thief trying to find your most vulnerable “point-of-entry”

Of course any of these things could be innocent, but more-often-than-not they indicate a sexually motivated agenda: He finds you attractive for any number of reasons and wants to get naked with you.

The question then becomes, “What should you do about it? Should you throw caution to the wind and go for it?” My advice would be a resounding “no.” I’ll forgo moralizing over the betrayal of your marriage vows, which may or may not be important to you. That’s between you and your conscience. On a more practical level, however, other than a short-lived “sexual high,” what’s in this for you? Twenty-six-year-old men aren’t typically interested in long-term relationships. He is likely looking for a hot, sweaty encounter with an “older” woman. Very exotic for him, but not something that will have any longevity or depth. Are you willing to risk your relationship with your husband to taste that forbidden fruit? Sure, people do it all the time (especially men), but the fallout can devastate a marriage.

But maybe you’re thinking, “If we’re careful, nobody will find out.” Good luck with that. Since you indicated he is a co-worker of your husband’s, I am not optimistic about your chances of keeping a clandestine fling secret. Your admirer’s regular workplace interaction with your husband creates an enormous risk of exposure of any covert “under-cover” work you and your lover are engaged in. And even if he and you are vigilant in your efforts not to “slip up” in front of your husband, you still have to manage to stay under the radar of that incredibly effective information super highway - the office gossip machine. This all-knowing, all-seeing, shadowy web of intelligence-gathering should never be underestimated. Their information, though often based primarily on speculation and conjecture, is still uncannily accurate, and can undermine your best efforts to “keep a lid” on your extracurricular activities. And that kind of exposure may not only jeopardize your relationship with both men, it can cause such disruption in the workplace that it could possibly lead to one or both men having to terminate their employment.

My best advice is to be flattered by the attention and let it go at that. If you give him no encouragement, he is likely to move on. Both of you will still be free to fantasize about what “could have been,” which in many cases is a lot steamier (and certainly safer) than the tawdry reality of “taking a walk on the wild side.”

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

She Wants Sex...But He's Not Interested

Question: I am 43 and I think I look pretty hot! My husband hardly touches me, but I see him touching his private part when I am not there and when I catch him and he looks at me, he does not look like he wants to even try to have sex with me…Why is he doing that? And he says he loves me and blah, blah, blah...I am about to give up! …Pam

Answer: Generally speaking, if a man is sexually able to perform, he will not turn down sex with his partner. Why then is your guy avoiding you, even though you're hot AND hot-to-trot? There could be several reasons:

1) There is something else within your relationship that he is very unhappy about and is avoiding sex with you because of it. Although this is more common with women than with men, there are still some men who won't perform if they're feeling alienated or angry.

2) You've changed in some major way (either physically or attitudinally) and he is unhappy or uncomfortable with that change.

3) He has performance anxiety due to some condition that he hasn't disclosed to you.

4) He's "getting it" somewhere else.

5) He finds sex with you less-than-fulfilling. This is usually not the case, since for most men, any sex, even bad sex, is better than no sex.

6) He has questions about his sexual preferences.
Any of the above could, in fact, be the cause of his avoidance of intimacy with you. And the fact that you discovered him masturbating means nothing. He's just pleasuring himself because he needs the release, and for whatever reason is unwilling to approach you. So my advice is that YOU approach HIM. Take the initiative and seduce him and see how he reacts. Tell him you want to please him and ask him to tell you as graphically as possible how you can do that. Then follow his instructions to the letter. If that doesn't re-awaken his desire for you, then it's time for you to initiate a serious talk to find out what is going on. So one way or another, at least you'll know where you stand.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Why Men Cheat

Generally speaking, men cheat because they have the opportunity. That doesn’t mean that a guy will definitely cheat just because he has the chance, but rather that availability of a ready and willing partner is the primary motivator in moving men toward infidelity. And they may be unfaithful, even if they are perfectly content in their relationship with their significant other. In other words, their cheating is not reflective of how they feel about you. It simply indicates their unwillingness to exercise a little discipline and resist temptation – no matter how into you they may be. I repeat, they may cheat even if they are incredibly happy in their relationship with you and you have an incredible sex life. It is not a failing on your part or indication that there is something fundamentally wrong in your relationship. It has to do with the fact that monogamy is counter-intuitive for men, and therefore committing to have sex forever-after with one woman and only one woman is a challenge. And that challenge is one that many men are just not up to.

So what can you do to absolutely insure your guy won’t stray? Precious little. There is no product warranty on guys. His fidelity is based on his ability to embrace monogamy, no matter how unnatural it may seem to him. If he wins that battle, you have a faithful partner. It’s as simple as that.

That being said, not all men are equal in the potential-for-cheating department. Guys tend to fall into one of three groups: 1) Those who are open to the possibility, itching to cheat, or actively pursuing “extracurricular activity”; 2) Those who like to think they wouldn’t cheat, but who can and do succumb when opportunity knocks (by far, the largest group); and 3) Those who have the discipline to resist temptation…even when opportunity is present. For this group, remaining faithful is a matter of honor. Betraying you would be betraying themselves, and they will avoid doing that at almost any cost.

Obviously, the men in group number one are a lost cause. These unrepentant horndogs will cheat. Period. If there is no opportunity they will make one. What you do or don’t do is of no consequence. It is not, however, so cut-and-dried for group number two. While they are certainly vulnerable to temptation, if they are satisfied in their relationships they are unlikely to go on the prowl. Sure, if something (or someone) drops into their laps, they may give in to their desire, but their happiness with you and their relationship (and to no small extent, their sex life) may give them strong incentive to resist. Conversely, if they feel unfulfilled in their relationship, they are likely to use their dissatisfaction as an excuse to cheat. While this is obviously a rationalization, it is all many men in this group need to justify doing what their penis is prompting them to do anyway. In group number three, however, the opposite is the case. Short of physical and mental abuse, these guys will remain faithful almost to a fault. And while that is certainly an admirable quality, their dogged adherence to a strict moral code could annoying extend to other parts of their life, including areas in which you might rightly wish they were a bit more flexible.

So, as you see, groups one and three are virtually unfazed by what you say or do. Group two, however, may be influenced by lack of contentment in their relationship, but contentment alone is not enough to guarantee their fidelity. This group would be wise to avoid situations that would test their ability to resist temptation. And while I know this may not be what you wanted to hear, knowing the truth about men allows you to make informed decisions about who you choose to associate with and what you can reasonably expect from them.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Changing A Relationship's Ground Rules

Question: I have been seeing an entertainer almost 3 years now. The first year was really rocky - full of attraction and the chase (by him) but I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship and it was merely 3 years after the death of my father and I wasn't trying to jump right back into another relationship or emotional commitment. He too, was apparently getting out of something which I found out about because a woman called me 'protecting her territory'. I confronted him about the call and the caller and he was honest. It only happened once and never since.

The second year, we started getting closer. He started trusting me with very personal things (although he lied about his age) and I felt like we were going along a road that could lead to a sensible relationship. We haven't spent any holidays together - sometimes he is touring and since he has kids, sometimes he is with his family. My friends think I am crazy that after 3 years we should be more of a 'couple' and spend holidays together but at first, I really didn't want that. He travels a lot which strangely I have gotten used to (and his ex cheated on him for that reason so he has trust issues there); at first I complained that he was not very communicative when he left - and now he will call every single time he is leaving and email/text/call when he is gone. Anytime I express displeasure at something - he does make an effort to rectify. I did ask for an HIV & STD test - which he willingly did and supplied the results. Now, I have never been to his house. I have never met his family - although we have spoken about them (and he has met my brother). We have similar friends but because of who he is and the industry, we keep our relationship on the low to protect our privacy - for as long as we can.

Year three - here we still are together. I know now definitely that I love him and I genuinely care for him. I wanted to be sure that past emotional baggage was out of the way first. We enjoy our time together but it’s so random and short; I want more and I feel like he can give more - but I don't know how much. I suppose, we would have to go more public with our relationship if I wanted to spend more time with him that is not quite so private; I know he depends on coming home to me but there is a part of me that wonders why he hasn't taken me to his home? I haven't insisted since I think it’s inappropriate, and I know his kids do not live with him; How do I tell him that I am ready for more and need more from him without demanding it although. I don't want some patterned relationship of him coming to my apartment and making love, him leaving at 4am and then we speak on the phone the rest of the time. Unfortunately, it’s a pattern I started because I didn't want the closeness and now I want it, I am not sure how to get it. Help. ...Ms. Dating the Entertainer

Answer: Yours is a very interesting letter. Basically, what you're asking is: How do you change the ground rules of a relationship without seeming demanding? That's a very good question.
Here are a few issues that I think you should consider:

1) Men are generally comfortable with the status quo and will usually take little initiative to change it. Conversely, women generally like to set up guidelines and alter them to accommodate the complex and changing nature of relationships. You and he once had similar needs and desires and your "ground rules" reflected this. Now, your love has grown, so your desires have changed and you want to re-visit the parameters of your relationship. The question is: Has his love grown, too? And if so, are the changes you want, things that he might be amenable to?

2) By your vagueness in describing him as "an entertainer," I will assume that he has a certain amount of celebrity status and would like to keep his liaison with you out of the headlines. Is there any other reason that he might want to keep your relationship a secret?

3) Be careful not to let your friends define how your relationship "should" be. Friends mean well, but generally their advice is biased toward you and not particularly objective. What is acceptable behavior in your relationship can only be defined by you and your man. Don't let your friends' issues be your own.

4) What specifically are you looking for? You say you want "closeness," but I'm not sure what that means. Are you looking for a traditional relationship, where you spend time with each other's friends and families periodically, go out to public places, and generally do the whole "boyfriend-girlfriend" thing? Are you desiring some sort of public acknowledgement of your importance in his life? Are you hoping to make the relationship more permanent - get engaged, move in together, get married? First and foremost, in order to get what you want, you have to clearly know what that is and be able to ask for it - regardless of the consequences. Yes, there's always the possibility he doesn't want what you now want, and you will scare him off/push him away. But if you don't let your desires be known, in time, you will likely grow resentful of him, and that will not bode well for the long term success of your relationship.

The bottom line is this: You need to summon up your courage and clear the air. Talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you're not trying to pressure him, just "taking his temperature." Then together you can decide just where you are BOTH comfortable in taking this relationship. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out the way you want.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

3 Ways To Divorce-Proof Your Marriage

At a time when fifty percent (or more) of marriages end in divorce, it is no surprise that one of the most frequent questions I am asked is, “Is there anything I can do to keep my marriage/relationship from falling apart?” The good news is, yes, if you and your partner really want your relationship to “go the distance” and avoid being just another sad, divorce statistic, there are three specific, and deceptively simple things you can do right now to start divorce-proofing your marriage.

1) Treat each other politely. What I mean by this is: You should treat your partner with at least the same degree of common courtesy you use with friends, business associates or strangers you come into contact with on a daily basis. I’m talking about simple good manners: Saying “please” and “thank you” and excusing yourself when your gastro-intestinal tract suddenly expels noxious fumes at either end. This is so basic to any successful encounter, let alone a significant relationship, that you would think this would be second nature to most people. Alas, it is not. As we get more and more comfortable in a relationship we often “relax” into patterns of interaction that could be described as barely civil, at best, and down-right rude, at worst. And the saddest part is that we’re usually completely unaware of our behavior. We’re just “being ourselves.” Well, STOP! Studies show that couples who make a point of employing good manners and treating each other politely, are overwhelmingly more successful and _happier_ in their relationships than their less-civil counterparts. Bottom line is: Play nice – and you'll be playmates for a long time.

2) Don’t criticize or berate each other. Instead, be complimentary and supportive. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Again, this is a very simple and straight-forward concept that so many people forget once they are comfortably entrenched in their marriage. Negativity undermines the foundation of many relationships. And this is doubly true of critical invectives flung at your spouse in the presence of others. Yet how many times have you been out in public and heard one of your friends speak to their significant other in a critical or derogatory manner (e.g. “Don’t be such an asshole!” or “Why are you being such a bitch?”)? Conversely, if you get in the habit of dealing with your spouse in a loving, complimentary manner, you create an environment of support that inspires cooperation and harmony and helps ensure that “happily ever after” isn’t an impossible dream.

3) Touch each other on a regular basis. This one is incredibly important. And I’m not referring here to sexual touch (although I’m a strong proponent of that, as well). I’m talking about simple contact: Putting a reassuring hand on your mate’s shoulder; squeezing their hand supportively; touching their arm warmly as you pass by. Do this with purpose or for no particular reason, but do it…several times a day every day. It’s an incredibly bonding experience which establishes a level of caring and intimacy that reinforces the physical and emotional closeness of your relationship. Plus, it just feels really good.

As I stated above, these suggestions are things you can initiate immediately, that combined, will have a surprisingly positive effect on your relationship. And though these “quick fixes” may seem too simplistic to be effective, what do you have to lose giving them a try? Just do it. The marriage you save may be your own.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

When Men Say "I'll Call You"

One thing you can usually depend on with men (other than leaving the toilet seat up), is that you can take our words at face value. Our speech is primarily goal-oriented and our words can be taken literary. One important example to the contrary, however, is the phrase, “I’ll call you.” On the surface, this phrase sounds simple enough: Three little words that seem to promise a future interaction. But the truth is, more often than not, when uttered by a guy at the close of a first date, all they really mean is “good-bye.”

So why do guys break with their usual direct (some might call blunt) language usage and opt for a pleasantry that is intentionally misleading, and has left more than a few women wondering if their phone service, hearing, or understanding of the English language is faulty? The answer may surprise you. It is primarily because the end of a date is a particularly stressful time for men, and we’re looking for an exit line that is both brief and vaguely upbeat. “I’ll call you,” fills the bill to a “t.”

You see, for a man, the end of a date is the culmination of a serious amount of effort on his part. First he had to risk rejection to ask you out. Then he had to spend the evening trying to impress you with his wit, intelligence, charm and accomplishments, while avoiding alienating you with his opinions, arrogance, poor conversational skills or lack of proper table etiquette. He wants to make sure everything goes right so at the end of the evening your clothing will magically melt away and the two of you will be joined in a sweaty, undulating mass of ecstatically-intertwined flesh, knowing all the while that, at best, he’ll likely have to settle for a little tongue and a quick feel. But he is also aware that he may fall far short of his goal. His attempt to initiate physical interaction may subject him to rejection, ridicule or being seriously laughed at. Or, horror of horrors, when he goes in for a lip lock, you might shift the target at the last moment causing him the ultimate humiliation – a close encounter with your cheek.

So the pressure is on. And if he is unsure of how well the date went, how much you liked him, how much he liked you or all of the above, and your parting kiss, hug, handshake or fist-bump was unfulfilling and/or gut-wrenchingly awkward, he may be hard-pressed to come up with some succinct witticism to bid you an appropriate farewell. And at this point, though he may be uncertain about the future of your relationship, he still doesn’t want to ruin any possible potential with you by abruptly saying, “Ciao,” “It’s been real,” or “See ya’.” Thus he trots out that trusty old chestnut, “I’ll call you,” which allows him to quickly extricate himself from an uncomfortable situation with optimism and a little dignity. If he actually is satisfied with your evening together, he will probably be true to those words and dial, email, fax or text you for a repeat performance. If, on the other hand, he is undecided about his feelings or deflated, disappointed or depressed by your encounter, he can now safely retreat to the sanctuary of his abode and engage in quiet introspection to determine how he really feels about you and a potential second date. Or he can just get drunk and watch internet porn.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Why Men Ask You Out

Dating is a complicated ritual that most of us have engaged in at some point in our lives. And while many of us may find it awkward, tedious, and even downright frustrating, we nonetheless continue to do it because the drive to connect with another individual is so strong. But what are we looking for in our dating experience? What exactly is our motivation to go on a date? Good questions. And as you might suspect, men and women have decidedly different takes on this issue. Of course, women go on a date for a multitude of reasons, such as:

1. You are attracted to a guy and want to get to know him better.
   
2. You’re not that attracted to a guy, but are open to the possibility that there may be more there than meets the eye.
   
3. You think he’s excellent husband/father material.
   
4. You think he’s sexy as hell and can’t wait to jump his bones.
   
5. You don’t find him attractive at all, but he’s nice and polite, and you’ve been in a dating drought and this might just be the jump-start you need.
   
6. Your mother, sister, best friend, cousin, co-worker, or hair stylist has a “perfect” guy for you, and you think “what the hell it’s only a few hours of my life and my Tivo’s broken.”
   
7. Hundreds of other reasons, too numerous to mention.
   

And why do guys ask you out?

1. Because they find you attractive and want to have sex with you.
   
2. That’s pretty much it, go back and review reason number one.
   

At this point, many of you may be shaking your heads in disappointment or disbelief, thinking, “certainly men aren’t motivated to spend time with us, solely because they want to sleep with us. There’s got to be more to it.” Not really. Sure we appreciate a woman who can make us laugh. We enjoy lively, provocative, stimulating conversation. And we like to bask in the glow of your energy, vivaciousness and femininity. But mostly we want to get you naked ASAP and feel your warm flesh pressed against us. Don’t we want to get to know you? Absolutely…but in a biblical way.

Now before you start angrily heaving all things great and small in my direction, let me clarify one important point: Sex drives us to ask you out, and is the primary goal of our encounter. But it is not the only reason we continue going out with you once we have known you in an intimate way. After we have experienced the sexual side of you, we start to appreciate your many other attributes for the first time. Your great smile, your cute laugh, your bubbly personality, your sparkling wit are now suddenly, almost magically more apparent. These were all things that were already on display for us to see, but in our tunnel vision to embed ourselves in your tunnel, we probably failed to notice. Now that we’ve “done the deed” with you, we actually start to listen to what you’re saying, instead of mindlessly nodding our heads, while all we are hearing is the persistent thud of the drumming in our loins. Now, finally, we’re beginning to notice how cool you truly are. And that makes us really like you. And want to ask you out more. So we can have more sex with you…and find out what other wonderful things there are about you, that we completely overlooked in our rush to the bedroom.

The bottom line is this: Men are goal oriented in most of their pursuits, and their pursuit of you is no different. And it is not “awful,” “shameful,” “shallow,” or “scandalous,” that we behave this way. It is simply the way we were hard-wired. Yes, it may be different than the way you were hard-wired, but far be it from me to judge either way superior to the other. And sure, there are men who will ask you out who do not want to have sex with you…but they are either a close relative, gay, wanting to sell you insurance, or all of the above. Generally speaking, guys that find you attractive want to see just how attractive you really are…all over. So next time a man asks you out, you’ll have a complete understanding of what his motivation is. No more guesswork or speculation. His intentions are clear – he thinks you’re hot and wants to share in the warmth. And sharing is an admirable thing, right?

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

A Question Of Infidelity

Question: Okay, you self proclaimed guru, might be more than you wanna know, but my husband of almost 10 years recently ended an affair with a coworker. We're working through that, but- I was truly blown away by something he said to me a couple of days ago and you just might be the right guy to ask about it. One of the main reasons he was attracted to her, he says, is that she was positive and confident while I didn't seem to "care about" myself. This being evidenced, in his opinion, by the fact that I didn't care if I "fixed up" when I went somewhere.... Hmmm, and I thought that meant I was OK with me, but I guess not. So it's been about 5 months since we've started this 'work on our marriage' bit. I start nursing school in August and he made the statement that I'm prolly gonna run off with a rich Dr. (insert dumbfounded expression here-I'm not running off with a POOR one!) Anyway, I am trying to give the appearance of being confident and feeling good about myself when I tell him that "I'm gonna be so cute in my scrubs, they're ALL gonna want me!" To which he replies,"Don't think that highly of yourself Dana." Please understand, I'm not vain. I was joking. JOKING! And the truth of the matter is, he said he WANTED me to be more confident, even as he was pulling the rug out from under me with the epitome of "You're not good enoughs" by having an affair.
So my question is this:Why is it great for your girlfriend to be confident and present herself as thinking she's wonderful, but not your wife? Especially when you say that what you wanted? Hope you can help me grasp the concept. Thanks SO much! ...Dana

Answer: First, you should know, Dana, that I while I don't condone your husband's infidelity, since you have agreed to move past it, I will not dwell on it. However, you should be aware that, different from women, men don't primarily have affairs because they are unhappy in their relationship with their significant others...they have them because the opportunity presents itself. While a man may be perfectly content in his relationship with his wife, the appeal of being physical with another woman is incredibly enticing. Why? Because men inherently crave variety in their sexual partners. The only thing they like better than sex...is sex with someone new. And no matter how wonderful you are in and out of bed, the one thing you cannot be is...someone new.

I mention all of this because it is likely that your husband straying has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you. It is far more a reflection on him, his desires and character. But what about his recent comments about you? How do those "fit in?" Very simply: It is those characteristics that she (the other woman) has that you don't that make her particularly attractive to him. Not that those traits are, by themselves appealing, but because they offer contrast to those he perceives you possess. In other words, it is this dissimilarity to you that make those differences especially appealing. So changing who you are (even if you wanted to), wouldn’t really accomplish anything.

But what about the fact that he said that you don't "fix up" when you go out? That actually may be related to another issue. And what is that issue? Quite often, as we get more and more comfortable in our relationships, we take less and less care with how we present ourselves to our spouse. It seems to be a natural progression and is equally common among men and women, with one significant difference. Men are primarily visually oriented. How you look is paramount to how much we are attracted to you. We're hard-wired to be stimulated by what we see. So if your "fixing up" makes you look more attractive to him, it is naturally something he desires you do as often as possible. And while this may not apply to you at all, if he perceives that in your 10 year together you have gradually "let yourself go," he may be harboring resentment that you no longer care enough about him to take care of yourself and make yourself desirable to him. And it doesn't matter if in that same decade he's gone from being a dreamboat to a gross, tub o' lard, he still associates your caring for your appearance as an indication of your love for him. Convoluted? Perhaps. But it's the way a man's mind often works.

Now, to a different, but related topic. Your husband's comments and actions indicate that he may, in fact, be feeling a little insecure about himself and his situation. Your entering nursing school may fuel within him some inner feelings of inadequacy. He may be feeling that rather than being a boon to your joint financial success, your newfound career will make you need him less. And it will put you into contact with upwardly-mobile, intelligent, attractive men who share a common interest with you. Your innocent joke may have inadvertently tossed gasoline on that fire, and his comment was his attempt to salve his singed ego by deflating yours. Also, nursing school is a big-time commitment. On some level he knows that for an extended period of time in the near future, you are going to be spending less time with him, making him less of a priority. It's only natural that would be the case, and intellectually he knows that. But emotionally, this may further add to his feelings of insecurity and abandonment. To offset this, I suggest that you reassure your husband that you're not interested in "talking shop" after a hard day's work in the medical trenches, so socializing with doctors is the last thing you'll be interested in doing. And while it's true that nursing school is going to require a time commitment on your part, your husband and your marriage are your priorities.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Hubby Puts The Brakes On BJ's

In response to a previous column, I received the following letter, which I would like to share with my readers.

Question: My question is very personal, but I read your blog and found it interesting. My husband, believe it or not, says he has to be in the mood for oral sex especially when I want to do it to him. Is this odd? Do you think I am doing something wrong? I want to please him, and I personally enjoy it. Any advice you can give I would appreciate. …Allison


Answer: You ask a very interesting question: Does a man (in this case, your husband) have to be in the mood to receive oral sex?

The simple answer to this is: No. Since receiving oral sex requires almost no effort on the part of the recipient, and the outcome is decidedly pleasant and lacks any performance anxiety, there are very few reasons a man would not want to be pleasured this way. In fact, most men complain about not receiving this kind of attention enough. And frankly, I’ve never heard complaints about receiving too much oral sex.

I can think of several reasons, however, that a man might want to limit the frequency of oral sex: 1) He struggles with the perception that this kind of activity is demeaning, and despite his enjoyment of it, tries to limit the number of times he subjects you to it; 2) He has some religious objection to this form of sexual activity; 3) He had some negative experience with oral sex in the past, the memories of which are sometimes triggered by your oral attention; 4)He is worried about orgasming too soon this way, and thus eliminating (at least for 20 or 30 minutes) the possibility of having “regular” sex; 5) He feels as if you are using oral sex as a way to gain his attention when he is trying to focus on other important things…in other words, you‘re making oral sex a “pleasant annoyance;” 6) He is having sex with someone else, or has recently masturbated, and doesn’t want you to have that close contact with his penis and discover either of these things; 7) Your oral sex technique is somewhat lacking and he doesn’t know how to tell you – so he endures your ministrations as infrequently as possible.

Since I can’t possibly know which one of these things is behind his attitude, I can only make limited suggestions. They are as follows: 1) If you have no other reason to believe he is cheating on you, forget about reason #6 – although if he is like most men, he probably is still masturbating on occasion, which, by the way, is no reflection on his interest in you or your ability to satisfy him. 2) If you are unaware of any traumatic sexual occurrence in his past, or you know him to be devoid of any significant religious objections, you can discount those as possible reasons for his attitude, as well. 3) Many women are not that skilled in their oral technique, though they are unaware of this, because guys hardly ever bring this up. If this is his issue, I am certain he is reluctant to tell you and possibly hurt your feelings. There is an easy solution to this problem, however: Next time you start to mouth him, tell him it would really excite you if he described in explicit detail just what he’d like you to do. Then follow his direction to a “T.” He will have the opportunity to teach you exactly what he enjoys (and what he doesn’t like), in a positive environment, free of the worry that he’ll hurt or insult you. And you’ll be able to replicate your actions every time you dive below his belt. And maybe he’ll even get the idea to do the same with you…and have you instruct him on how you want to be pleasured, next time he applies his tongue to your tropical region. That’s what you truly call a “win-win” situation!

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

What Men Are Looking For In Relationships

Women frequently ask me what guys are looking for in their relationships with the women in their lives. And although they may realize how uncomplicated guys are, they are still usually surprised by the simplicity of my answer. In general, men are looking for three things when they become involved romantically with a woman:

1) Sex

2) Comfort

3) Companionship

And that’s pretty much it. And while there are certainly some men who have additional prerequisites on their relationship checklists, they are by far the minority, and don’t really merit much examination in a general discussion about men and their motivations.

So on to the first thing that men want (and the highest on their “to-do” list): Sex. As you know, sex is mucho important to guys. It’s what motivates us to get out of bed every morning (with the hope that soon we’ll be hopping back in for a steamy interlude with an equally hot playmate). And as much as most men love to eat, if guys had to choose between sex and food, starvation would be the number one cause of death in the male population. So it only makes sense that one of the primary things we look for in our relationships is sexual compatibility. And while that sounds as if we might be rating your performance in some way, truth-be-told, if you’re willing to get naked with us on a regular basis – then by our yardstick, we’re perfectly compatible.

Okay, let’s now talk about “comfort.” Men often look to their women to provide a safe haven, a comfortable place, a warm atmosphere in which to escape the brutality of everyday life. I’m not talking about a physical environment, but an emotional one (although the physical comfort of resting our weary head on your soft breast is a big favorite of ours). We like to kick back with you in a relaxed atmosphere, away from the pressures of the outside world. We like your supportive attitude and soothing words. We relish your warmth and understanding. In other words, your very presence makes us feel better. Conversely, if you treat us with disdain, criticism and antipathy (like most of the rest of the world), we’re likely to want to be anywhere but where you are.

And now to “companionship.” Like it sounds, what we are looking for is someone who is fun to just be around; a person who shares our interests, dreams, goals and sense of humor; someone who’s just cool to hang out with and willing to accompany us on elaborate (and sometimes hair-brained) adventures. We want a woman who obviously enjoys our company as much as we enjoy hers. And when we’ve found that person we have so much in common with, it is only natural that we try and maximize our time together – so powerful is the draw of compatibility.

So there you have the shockingly simple truth about what we seek in our relationships with you. I know it must seem as if we’re searching for more: perhaps a partner, soul mate, life mate, coffee mate (sorry, couldn’t resist), co-parent or roommate. But actually, although once in awhile that may be our quest, usually our bottom line desire is for the above-mentioned “Big 3.” And unlike GM, Ford and Chrysler, if your guy has those things with you, your relationship will never need a government bailout.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

A Man And His Member

Lately there has been a proliferation of bad news: A waning economy, drooping housing market, corporate insolvency, wars, violence, famine, natural disaster, and the cancelling of “Dirty Sexy Money.” Thus, rather than deal with anything too serious in this first column of the New Year, I decided to be a little more light-hearted. The following is the result - an ode to the bond between men and their “manhood.”

To say, “Penises are attached to men,” is to simply state a fact. But saying, “Men are attached to their penises,” is to proclaim an absolute truth.

As you may already know, nothing is so prized a possession to the average male as his own penis. And while straight men have little or no interest in the external plumbing of their brethren (other than as a supporting character in a porno), they can become downright sentimental when pondering their close relationship to their own equipment. To put it bluntly, most men consider their penis to be their best friend. Sure, we are hugely attracted to women. And yes, we enjoy the hell out of spending an evening of football, hot wings and frosty brews with our buds. And true, our slipper-fetching Fido is among our favorite companions. But our true BFF is that roll of flesh we keep sequestered in our shorts.

And why is “cherish” the word we use to describe our penis? Three reasons: Loyalty, reliability and shared common interests. As long as we can remember, our penis has been there for us. Before we even understood its function as “party central,” we appreciated it as the visible symbol of our masculinity, the release valve for our bursting bladders, and a dandy way to practice our cursive in the snow. Then when puberty hit, and all our hormones executed a blitzkrieg of our nether regions, our penises were there to rise to the occasion. Suddenly the whole world of sexuality opened up for us, and it was our trusty tumescent friends who led the way. In times of loneliness, frustration or insomnia, it was our penises that helped us relieve our pent-up tensions. Participation in sports was a fine source of stress relief, but sadly not always convenient or available. Our trusty wieners, however, were ever-ready for action, even late at night and in inclement weather.

As I’m sure some of you are well aware, our affection is so great, that many of us even endow our endowment with a nickname. These monikers can run the gamut from whimsical (“Mr. Happy”) to blatantly boastful (“Sasquatch”). And so concerned are we about our units’ continued good health, that we faithfully endeavor to make certain our “little soldiers” get regular exercise. That’s just how considerate we guys are.

Now you may be asking yourself, “What about his testicles? He hasn’t even touched on them. What are they…chopped liver (I shudder at the very image)?” Well, the truth is, as much as we love and respect this secondary erogenous zone and sperm manufacturing facility, our balls are the “Achilles heel” of our genital compound. They are our weakest link; our most vulnerable spot. Truthfully, we are barely even cognizant of their existence until they are the unfortunate victim of a blunt force trauma. Then, however, their presence drowns out our awareness of virtually all the rest of our anatomy. So, while we wouldn’t want to part with them, the periodic pain associated with our family jewels prevents us from rhapsodizing about them as we do their neighbor to the north.

So you see, our fondness for our own penises cannot be overstated, and our allegiance to them should not be underestimated. And why would you be interested in any of this (optimistically hoping, of course, that you are - and haven’t been “put off” by my dissertation on “a dude and his dingus”)? Because despite our dogged devotion to our penises, there is an anatomical accoutrement over which you have exclusive dominion that we are even more obsessed with. I am referring to, of course… vaginas. We’re absolutely nutty about them. And luckily, so are our little pals. In fact, this popular destination is the top-rated gated community in which ten-out-of-ten penises prefer to reside. Be it ever so warm and cozy, there’s no place like home.

© 2009 David M. Matthews. Al Rights Reserved.

3 Things Men Hate

While every man is an individual and has unique and sometimes peculiar things that may irritate him or press his buttons, there are certain “pet peeves” that seem to be universal to all those outfitted with a penile appendage. In my efforts to inform you about the fundamental operation of the male mind, I would be remiss were I not to address the important topic of “What Men Hate.” The following are three things that my brethren generally find repugnant.

1) UNFAVORABLE COMPARISONS. We absolutely detest being unfavorably compared to your father, your brother, your brother-in-law, our father or male siblings, your ex, the guy who took your virginity, or any other man who’s seen you naked. Why? Because the clear implication is that, in your opinion, we are somehow deficient in some way, and that makes us feel bad about ourselves and not too good about you. If, on the other hand, the comparison is favorable, and we are lauded for our superiority over some other schlub, then feel free to compare away.

2) “HELPFUL" SUGGESTIONS ON HOW WE MIGHT IMPROVE OURSELVES. Despite what opinion you may hold, most men are fairly happy with who they are. And though you may look in the mirror and see only your flaws, we see our reflections and are generally content with what we behold. So your attempts to “make us over” leave us baffled and annoyed. And this behavior also begs the question why you hooked up with us in the first place, if you were so unhappy with who we were. And if you’re feeling that we’re being overly sensitive in handling your constructive criticism, think how you would react to helpful suggestions on how you might upgrade your body or improve your sense of style. The bottom line is this: Find a man who satisfies whatever criteria you may have, but don’t expect to help him “be all he can be.” If you’re looking for a “fixer-upper,” invest in real estate.

3) THE PHRASE,"YOU SHOULD KNOW WHY I'M UPSET." We don’t. And we shouldn’t, since we can’t read your mind, and for the most part are oblivious to any hidden meaning or subtext in your communication. If you’re angry with us and we don’t know why, it does not mean we don’t care about you or your feelings, or are too self-absorbed to pay attention to what is going on with you. The fact is, we’d love to know what has caused you to become unhappy with us, so that we can at least consider making amends. And your unwillingness to illuminate us is both frustrating and counter-productive. Remember, men are generally not particularly intuitive, and we need to be told things in a very direct manner – subtlety is completely lost on us. So next time your significant other inquires about the icy treatment you’re giving him, help facilitate the thaw and tell him point-blank what’s on your mind. At least then there’s the possibility that you’ll be able to satisfactorily resolve things and get back to what’s really important in the relationship…makeup sex.

The above is merely the tip of the iceberg, and offers only a preliminary look at the things men despise. It does, however, offer a little insight into what behaviors to avoid in order to encourage a harmonious relationship. Conversely, the information could also be used to effectively annoy the hell out of your guy when you feel he deserves it. But that would just be manipulative and mean. And guys really hate that.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Men on the Rebound

When I use the words “men” and “rebound” in the same sentence, male minds might quickly conjure up thoughts of their favorite NBA teams. Women, however, understand that I am addressing the phenomenon of rushing into a new relationship after the dissolution of an old one. And while men aren’t the only ones guilty of this relationship ricochet, they are, by far, the most-likely to engage in this particular type of reactionary behavior.

So what causes men to so quickly move from a break-up with you to the arms of another woman? Understandably, you might think it has to do with him not being particularly invested in his relationship with you. You could easily believe the rapidity of his action indicates he isn’t at all broken up about your break-up; that he had no deep feelings for you and he cavalierly is humming to himself, “Another One Bites The Dust.” Those assumptions would be perfectly reasonable. They would, however, be completely wrong. You see, when men actually emotionally invest in a relationship, their feelings (whether they show it or not) run as deeply as your own. So when their relationship crumbles before them, it causes a huge emotional void. But unlike you, men don’t have the social support network to buoy them up in their time of pain and sadness. They can’t cry to their friends, seeks solace from their mothers, or drown their feelings in a bucket of “Chunky Monkey.” If they thought that kind behavior would be acceptable, they might engage in it. But men are all too aware that stoicism, soldiering on, and “walking it off” are fundamental guidelines in the male handbook, and breaching these would cause them to be a target of ridicule, pity and serious lampooning from their male “comrades-in-arms.”

So what’s a guy to do? He’s hurting, but he can’t tell anyone. And grieving and wallowing in private are likely to only lead to consuming mass quantities of Jim Beam, to dull his pain. Thus, he realizes, with such limited options available, he must speedily move to contain his about-to-erupt emotions by filling the vacuum created by the demise of his previous relationship. And how does he do this? By seeking out someone else to focus his attention on, both emotional and sexual. And the sooner, the better, for it is this new woman who heals his wounds by allowing him to step back into the comfortable, acceptable space of being the tough, unruffled, man that he is supposed to be. She facilitates his return to a state of being where he can once again feel masculine and in control of himself and his emotions. Order is restored and all is right with the world again.

Thus, it can be stated that the speed in which a man moves from a bitter break-up to a new amorous attachment is directly proportional to the pain he’s feeling: The deeper the hurt the quicker the hook-up. So if you see your ex in the arms of another within days of your break-up, don’t write him off as a horny, uncaring, slime-bucket. Instead, recognize that he was deeply hurt by the end of your relationship and is doing the best he can to mend his broken heart. Then, with that understanding in place, it is perfectly reasonable to go home and cut his head out of all the photos of him you own, and incinerate them in your barbecue. Hey, he deals with his pain one way, you deal with yours another. Who’s to judge?

(C)2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Online Dating Dilemma

Question: This gentleman expressed interest in me via email and we began emailing to get to know each other. 3 weeks into the emails – we decided to meet. The night before our “date” – his Dad had a heart attack…needless to say the date was cancelled. We continued emailing for a couple more weeks and talking about meeting but he was different and then he just said he couldn’t do this anymore. He said it wasn’t anything I did…did he just run away…was it dealing with family issues? I just don’t know and it really shook my confidence because we had gotten very close thru our emails. Thoughts? ...Robin

Answer: From what you have told me, I see two possible reasons for your gentleman friend to have acted the way he did: 1) His whole world was thrown into an uproar because of his father’s heart attack, which caused him to re-evaluate his life, loves, career and direction. Unable to come to terms with the sudden emotional upheaval in his life, he decided to withdraw from interpersonal interaction until he could “put the pieces back together” and make sense of his current situation and his future; or 2) He enjoyed your online relationship/flirtation, but was either afraid of or uninterested in taking it to “the next level.”

Of course, both are reasonable explanations – two perfectly plausible motivations that precipitated his actions. That said, if I were a betting man (which, by the way, I am), I’d be going “all-in” on reason number 2. Why? Because I find it a bit too coincidental that his father’s heart attack occurred the night before you two were supposed to meet. Sure, it may have happened, but I believe the timing is a bit suspect. It seems far more likely that he came up with a very strong excuse to cancel your date, and then realizing that re-scheduling was an inevitability, decided to make himself scarce before he had to once again deal with actually meeting you in person.

But why would he act that way, when online he seemed so interesting and interested? Well, there are several possibilities. Perhaps he is not what he represented himself to be. Online, he could be handsome, tall, and athletic – the perfect male specimen. In person, he might be three hundred pounds, missing a few teeth, and reeking of body order and Old Spice. Online, he could be witty, insightful, and articulate. In the flesh, he could be painfully awkward, unable to string together a cogent sentence, let alone participate in meaningful conversation. Other possibilities abound. He may be significantly older or younger than he let on. He may be married or otherwise involved, and online romance is fine (in his mind, anyway), but actually meeting you is “crossing the line.” He may be having these kind of communications with many different women and is completely fulfilled by his email adventures. He may be in prison. Or he may not even be a man. The bottom line is this: Online relationships allow the participants to be whoever they want to be. In person, you are who you are. I believe that, for whatever reason, he just didn’t want you to see who he really was. Of course the irony of it all is that had he been honest with you from the start, perhaps you would have been just as attracted to the man as he actually was, warts and all. Unfortunately, you and he will never know.

On a positive note (I always try to find one – cockeyed optimist that I am), this truly appears to be a case of “it’s not you, it’s me.” It doesn’t seem like you said or did anything wrong. Thus, there is absolutely no reason to beat yourself up or lose one iota of self-confidence. He ran away – not from you, but from the truth. And that’s not your fault; it’s his…and his loss, as well.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.