She Wants Sex...But He's Not Interested

Question: I am 43 and I think I look pretty hot! My husband hardly touches me, but I see him touching his private part when I am not there and when I catch him and he looks at me, he does not look like he wants to even try to have sex with me…Why is he doing that? And he says he loves me and blah, blah, blah...I am about to give up! …Pam

Answer: Generally speaking, if a man is sexually able to perform, he will not turn down sex with his partner. Why then is your guy avoiding you, even though you're hot AND hot-to-trot? There could be several reasons:

1) There is something else within your relationship that he is very unhappy about and is avoiding sex with you because of it. Although this is more common with women than with men, there are still some men who won't perform if they're feeling alienated or angry.

2) You've changed in some major way (either physically or attitudinally) and he is unhappy or uncomfortable with that change.

3) He has performance anxiety due to some condition that he hasn't disclosed to you.

4) He's "getting it" somewhere else.

5) He finds sex with you less-than-fulfilling. This is usually not the case, since for most men, any sex, even bad sex, is better than no sex.

6) He has questions about his sexual preferences.
Any of the above could, in fact, be the cause of his avoidance of intimacy with you. And the fact that you discovered him masturbating means nothing. He's just pleasuring himself because he needs the release, and for whatever reason is unwilling to approach you. So my advice is that YOU approach HIM. Take the initiative and seduce him and see how he reacts. Tell him you want to please him and ask him to tell you as graphically as possible how you can do that. Then follow his instructions to the letter. If that doesn't re-awaken his desire for you, then it's time for you to initiate a serious talk to find out what is going on. So one way or another, at least you'll know where you stand.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Why Men Cheat

Generally speaking, men cheat because they have the opportunity. That doesn’t mean that a guy will definitely cheat just because he has the chance, but rather that availability of a ready and willing partner is the primary motivator in moving men toward infidelity. And they may be unfaithful, even if they are perfectly content in their relationship with their significant other. In other words, their cheating is not reflective of how they feel about you. It simply indicates their unwillingness to exercise a little discipline and resist temptation – no matter how into you they may be. I repeat, they may cheat even if they are incredibly happy in their relationship with you and you have an incredible sex life. It is not a failing on your part or indication that there is something fundamentally wrong in your relationship. It has to do with the fact that monogamy is counter-intuitive for men, and therefore committing to have sex forever-after with one woman and only one woman is a challenge. And that challenge is one that many men are just not up to.

So what can you do to absolutely insure your guy won’t stray? Precious little. There is no product warranty on guys. His fidelity is based on his ability to embrace monogamy, no matter how unnatural it may seem to him. If he wins that battle, you have a faithful partner. It’s as simple as that.

That being said, not all men are equal in the potential-for-cheating department. Guys tend to fall into one of three groups: 1) Those who are open to the possibility, itching to cheat, or actively pursuing “extracurricular activity”; 2) Those who like to think they wouldn’t cheat, but who can and do succumb when opportunity knocks (by far, the largest group); and 3) Those who have the discipline to resist temptation…even when opportunity is present. For this group, remaining faithful is a matter of honor. Betraying you would be betraying themselves, and they will avoid doing that at almost any cost.

Obviously, the men in group number one are a lost cause. These unrepentant horndogs will cheat. Period. If there is no opportunity they will make one. What you do or don’t do is of no consequence. It is not, however, so cut-and-dried for group number two. While they are certainly vulnerable to temptation, if they are satisfied in their relationships they are unlikely to go on the prowl. Sure, if something (or someone) drops into their laps, they may give in to their desire, but their happiness with you and their relationship (and to no small extent, their sex life) may give them strong incentive to resist. Conversely, if they feel unfulfilled in their relationship, they are likely to use their dissatisfaction as an excuse to cheat. While this is obviously a rationalization, it is all many men in this group need to justify doing what their penis is prompting them to do anyway. In group number three, however, the opposite is the case. Short of physical and mental abuse, these guys will remain faithful almost to a fault. And while that is certainly an admirable quality, their dogged adherence to a strict moral code could annoying extend to other parts of their life, including areas in which you might rightly wish they were a bit more flexible.

So, as you see, groups one and three are virtually unfazed by what you say or do. Group two, however, may be influenced by lack of contentment in their relationship, but contentment alone is not enough to guarantee their fidelity. This group would be wise to avoid situations that would test their ability to resist temptation. And while I know this may not be what you wanted to hear, knowing the truth about men allows you to make informed decisions about who you choose to associate with and what you can reasonably expect from them.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Changing A Relationship's Ground Rules

Question: I have been seeing an entertainer almost 3 years now. The first year was really rocky - full of attraction and the chase (by him) but I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship and it was merely 3 years after the death of my father and I wasn't trying to jump right back into another relationship or emotional commitment. He too, was apparently getting out of something which I found out about because a woman called me 'protecting her territory'. I confronted him about the call and the caller and he was honest. It only happened once and never since.

The second year, we started getting closer. He started trusting me with very personal things (although he lied about his age) and I felt like we were going along a road that could lead to a sensible relationship. We haven't spent any holidays together - sometimes he is touring and since he has kids, sometimes he is with his family. My friends think I am crazy that after 3 years we should be more of a 'couple' and spend holidays together but at first, I really didn't want that. He travels a lot which strangely I have gotten used to (and his ex cheated on him for that reason so he has trust issues there); at first I complained that he was not very communicative when he left - and now he will call every single time he is leaving and email/text/call when he is gone. Anytime I express displeasure at something - he does make an effort to rectify. I did ask for an HIV & STD test - which he willingly did and supplied the results. Now, I have never been to his house. I have never met his family - although we have spoken about them (and he has met my brother). We have similar friends but because of who he is and the industry, we keep our relationship on the low to protect our privacy - for as long as we can.

Year three - here we still are together. I know now definitely that I love him and I genuinely care for him. I wanted to be sure that past emotional baggage was out of the way first. We enjoy our time together but it’s so random and short; I want more and I feel like he can give more - but I don't know how much. I suppose, we would have to go more public with our relationship if I wanted to spend more time with him that is not quite so private; I know he depends on coming home to me but there is a part of me that wonders why he hasn't taken me to his home? I haven't insisted since I think it’s inappropriate, and I know his kids do not live with him; How do I tell him that I am ready for more and need more from him without demanding it although. I don't want some patterned relationship of him coming to my apartment and making love, him leaving at 4am and then we speak on the phone the rest of the time. Unfortunately, it’s a pattern I started because I didn't want the closeness and now I want it, I am not sure how to get it. Help. ...Ms. Dating the Entertainer

Answer: Yours is a very interesting letter. Basically, what you're asking is: How do you change the ground rules of a relationship without seeming demanding? That's a very good question.
Here are a few issues that I think you should consider:

1) Men are generally comfortable with the status quo and will usually take little initiative to change it. Conversely, women generally like to set up guidelines and alter them to accommodate the complex and changing nature of relationships. You and he once had similar needs and desires and your "ground rules" reflected this. Now, your love has grown, so your desires have changed and you want to re-visit the parameters of your relationship. The question is: Has his love grown, too? And if so, are the changes you want, things that he might be amenable to?

2) By your vagueness in describing him as "an entertainer," I will assume that he has a certain amount of celebrity status and would like to keep his liaison with you out of the headlines. Is there any other reason that he might want to keep your relationship a secret?

3) Be careful not to let your friends define how your relationship "should" be. Friends mean well, but generally their advice is biased toward you and not particularly objective. What is acceptable behavior in your relationship can only be defined by you and your man. Don't let your friends' issues be your own.

4) What specifically are you looking for? You say you want "closeness," but I'm not sure what that means. Are you looking for a traditional relationship, where you spend time with each other's friends and families periodically, go out to public places, and generally do the whole "boyfriend-girlfriend" thing? Are you desiring some sort of public acknowledgement of your importance in his life? Are you hoping to make the relationship more permanent - get engaged, move in together, get married? First and foremost, in order to get what you want, you have to clearly know what that is and be able to ask for it - regardless of the consequences. Yes, there's always the possibility he doesn't want what you now want, and you will scare him off/push him away. But if you don't let your desires be known, in time, you will likely grow resentful of him, and that will not bode well for the long term success of your relationship.

The bottom line is this: You need to summon up your courage and clear the air. Talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you're not trying to pressure him, just "taking his temperature." Then together you can decide just where you are BOTH comfortable in taking this relationship. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out the way you want.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

3 Ways To Divorce-Proof Your Marriage

At a time when fifty percent (or more) of marriages end in divorce, it is no surprise that one of the most frequent questions I am asked is, “Is there anything I can do to keep my marriage/relationship from falling apart?” The good news is, yes, if you and your partner really want your relationship to “go the distance” and avoid being just another sad, divorce statistic, there are three specific, and deceptively simple things you can do right now to start divorce-proofing your marriage.

1) Treat each other politely. What I mean by this is: You should treat your partner with at least the same degree of common courtesy you use with friends, business associates or strangers you come into contact with on a daily basis. I’m talking about simple good manners: Saying “please” and “thank you” and excusing yourself when your gastro-intestinal tract suddenly expels noxious fumes at either end. This is so basic to any successful encounter, let alone a significant relationship, that you would think this would be second nature to most people. Alas, it is not. As we get more and more comfortable in a relationship we often “relax” into patterns of interaction that could be described as barely civil, at best, and down-right rude, at worst. And the saddest part is that we’re usually completely unaware of our behavior. We’re just “being ourselves.” Well, STOP! Studies show that couples who make a point of employing good manners and treating each other politely, are overwhelmingly more successful and _happier_ in their relationships than their less-civil counterparts. Bottom line is: Play nice – and you'll be playmates for a long time.

2) Don’t criticize or berate each other. Instead, be complimentary and supportive. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Again, this is a very simple and straight-forward concept that so many people forget once they are comfortably entrenched in their marriage. Negativity undermines the foundation of many relationships. And this is doubly true of critical invectives flung at your spouse in the presence of others. Yet how many times have you been out in public and heard one of your friends speak to their significant other in a critical or derogatory manner (e.g. “Don’t be such an asshole!” or “Why are you being such a bitch?”)? Conversely, if you get in the habit of dealing with your spouse in a loving, complimentary manner, you create an environment of support that inspires cooperation and harmony and helps ensure that “happily ever after” isn’t an impossible dream.

3) Touch each other on a regular basis. This one is incredibly important. And I’m not referring here to sexual touch (although I’m a strong proponent of that, as well). I’m talking about simple contact: Putting a reassuring hand on your mate’s shoulder; squeezing their hand supportively; touching their arm warmly as you pass by. Do this with purpose or for no particular reason, but do it…several times a day every day. It’s an incredibly bonding experience which establishes a level of caring and intimacy that reinforces the physical and emotional closeness of your relationship. Plus, it just feels really good.

As I stated above, these suggestions are things you can initiate immediately, that combined, will have a surprisingly positive effect on your relationship. And though these “quick fixes” may seem too simplistic to be effective, what do you have to lose giving them a try? Just do it. The marriage you save may be your own.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

When Men Say "I'll Call You"

One thing you can usually depend on with men (other than leaving the toilet seat up), is that you can take our words at face value. Our speech is primarily goal-oriented and our words can be taken literary. One important example to the contrary, however, is the phrase, “I’ll call you.” On the surface, this phrase sounds simple enough: Three little words that seem to promise a future interaction. But the truth is, more often than not, when uttered by a guy at the close of a first date, all they really mean is “good-bye.”

So why do guys break with their usual direct (some might call blunt) language usage and opt for a pleasantry that is intentionally misleading, and has left more than a few women wondering if their phone service, hearing, or understanding of the English language is faulty? The answer may surprise you. It is primarily because the end of a date is a particularly stressful time for men, and we’re looking for an exit line that is both brief and vaguely upbeat. “I’ll call you,” fills the bill to a “t.”

You see, for a man, the end of a date is the culmination of a serious amount of effort on his part. First he had to risk rejection to ask you out. Then he had to spend the evening trying to impress you with his wit, intelligence, charm and accomplishments, while avoiding alienating you with his opinions, arrogance, poor conversational skills or lack of proper table etiquette. He wants to make sure everything goes right so at the end of the evening your clothing will magically melt away and the two of you will be joined in a sweaty, undulating mass of ecstatically-intertwined flesh, knowing all the while that, at best, he’ll likely have to settle for a little tongue and a quick feel. But he is also aware that he may fall far short of his goal. His attempt to initiate physical interaction may subject him to rejection, ridicule or being seriously laughed at. Or, horror of horrors, when he goes in for a lip lock, you might shift the target at the last moment causing him the ultimate humiliation – a close encounter with your cheek.

So the pressure is on. And if he is unsure of how well the date went, how much you liked him, how much he liked you or all of the above, and your parting kiss, hug, handshake or fist-bump was unfulfilling and/or gut-wrenchingly awkward, he may be hard-pressed to come up with some succinct witticism to bid you an appropriate farewell. And at this point, though he may be uncertain about the future of your relationship, he still doesn’t want to ruin any possible potential with you by abruptly saying, “Ciao,” “It’s been real,” or “See ya’.” Thus he trots out that trusty old chestnut, “I’ll call you,” which allows him to quickly extricate himself from an uncomfortable situation with optimism and a little dignity. If he actually is satisfied with your evening together, he will probably be true to those words and dial, email, fax or text you for a repeat performance. If, on the other hand, he is undecided about his feelings or deflated, disappointed or depressed by your encounter, he can now safely retreat to the sanctuary of his abode and engage in quiet introspection to determine how he really feels about you and a potential second date. Or he can just get drunk and watch internet porn.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Why Men Ask You Out

Dating is a complicated ritual that most of us have engaged in at some point in our lives. And while many of us may find it awkward, tedious, and even downright frustrating, we nonetheless continue to do it because the drive to connect with another individual is so strong. But what are we looking for in our dating experience? What exactly is our motivation to go on a date? Good questions. And as you might suspect, men and women have decidedly different takes on this issue. Of course, women go on a date for a multitude of reasons, such as:

1. You are attracted to a guy and want to get to know him better.
   
2. You’re not that attracted to a guy, but are open to the possibility that there may be more there than meets the eye.
   
3. You think he’s excellent husband/father material.
   
4. You think he’s sexy as hell and can’t wait to jump his bones.
   
5. You don’t find him attractive at all, but he’s nice and polite, and you’ve been in a dating drought and this might just be the jump-start you need.
   
6. Your mother, sister, best friend, cousin, co-worker, or hair stylist has a “perfect” guy for you, and you think “what the hell it’s only a few hours of my life and my Tivo’s broken.”
   
7. Hundreds of other reasons, too numerous to mention.
   

And why do guys ask you out?

1. Because they find you attractive and want to have sex with you.
   
2. That’s pretty much it, go back and review reason number one.
   

At this point, many of you may be shaking your heads in disappointment or disbelief, thinking, “certainly men aren’t motivated to spend time with us, solely because they want to sleep with us. There’s got to be more to it.” Not really. Sure we appreciate a woman who can make us laugh. We enjoy lively, provocative, stimulating conversation. And we like to bask in the glow of your energy, vivaciousness and femininity. But mostly we want to get you naked ASAP and feel your warm flesh pressed against us. Don’t we want to get to know you? Absolutely…but in a biblical way.

Now before you start angrily heaving all things great and small in my direction, let me clarify one important point: Sex drives us to ask you out, and is the primary goal of our encounter. But it is not the only reason we continue going out with you once we have known you in an intimate way. After we have experienced the sexual side of you, we start to appreciate your many other attributes for the first time. Your great smile, your cute laugh, your bubbly personality, your sparkling wit are now suddenly, almost magically more apparent. These were all things that were already on display for us to see, but in our tunnel vision to embed ourselves in your tunnel, we probably failed to notice. Now that we’ve “done the deed” with you, we actually start to listen to what you’re saying, instead of mindlessly nodding our heads, while all we are hearing is the persistent thud of the drumming in our loins. Now, finally, we’re beginning to notice how cool you truly are. And that makes us really like you. And want to ask you out more. So we can have more sex with you…and find out what other wonderful things there are about you, that we completely overlooked in our rush to the bedroom.

The bottom line is this: Men are goal oriented in most of their pursuits, and their pursuit of you is no different. And it is not “awful,” “shameful,” “shallow,” or “scandalous,” that we behave this way. It is simply the way we were hard-wired. Yes, it may be different than the way you were hard-wired, but far be it from me to judge either way superior to the other. And sure, there are men who will ask you out who do not want to have sex with you…but they are either a close relative, gay, wanting to sell you insurance, or all of the above. Generally speaking, guys that find you attractive want to see just how attractive you really are…all over. So next time a man asks you out, you’ll have a complete understanding of what his motivation is. No more guesswork or speculation. His intentions are clear – he thinks you’re hot and wants to share in the warmth. And sharing is an admirable thing, right?

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

A Question Of Infidelity

Question: Okay, you self proclaimed guru, might be more than you wanna know, but my husband of almost 10 years recently ended an affair with a coworker. We're working through that, but- I was truly blown away by something he said to me a couple of days ago and you just might be the right guy to ask about it. One of the main reasons he was attracted to her, he says, is that she was positive and confident while I didn't seem to "care about" myself. This being evidenced, in his opinion, by the fact that I didn't care if I "fixed up" when I went somewhere.... Hmmm, and I thought that meant I was OK with me, but I guess not. So it's been about 5 months since we've started this 'work on our marriage' bit. I start nursing school in August and he made the statement that I'm prolly gonna run off with a rich Dr. (insert dumbfounded expression here-I'm not running off with a POOR one!) Anyway, I am trying to give the appearance of being confident and feeling good about myself when I tell him that "I'm gonna be so cute in my scrubs, they're ALL gonna want me!" To which he replies,"Don't think that highly of yourself Dana." Please understand, I'm not vain. I was joking. JOKING! And the truth of the matter is, he said he WANTED me to be more confident, even as he was pulling the rug out from under me with the epitome of "You're not good enoughs" by having an affair.
So my question is this:Why is it great for your girlfriend to be confident and present herself as thinking she's wonderful, but not your wife? Especially when you say that what you wanted? Hope you can help me grasp the concept. Thanks SO much! ...Dana

Answer: First, you should know, Dana, that I while I don't condone your husband's infidelity, since you have agreed to move past it, I will not dwell on it. However, you should be aware that, different from women, men don't primarily have affairs because they are unhappy in their relationship with their significant others...they have them because the opportunity presents itself. While a man may be perfectly content in his relationship with his wife, the appeal of being physical with another woman is incredibly enticing. Why? Because men inherently crave variety in their sexual partners. The only thing they like better than sex...is sex with someone new. And no matter how wonderful you are in and out of bed, the one thing you cannot be is...someone new.

I mention all of this because it is likely that your husband straying has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you. It is far more a reflection on him, his desires and character. But what about his recent comments about you? How do those "fit in?" Very simply: It is those characteristics that she (the other woman) has that you don't that make her particularly attractive to him. Not that those traits are, by themselves appealing, but because they offer contrast to those he perceives you possess. In other words, it is this dissimilarity to you that make those differences especially appealing. So changing who you are (even if you wanted to), wouldn’t really accomplish anything.

But what about the fact that he said that you don't "fix up" when you go out? That actually may be related to another issue. And what is that issue? Quite often, as we get more and more comfortable in our relationships, we take less and less care with how we present ourselves to our spouse. It seems to be a natural progression and is equally common among men and women, with one significant difference. Men are primarily visually oriented. How you look is paramount to how much we are attracted to you. We're hard-wired to be stimulated by what we see. So if your "fixing up" makes you look more attractive to him, it is naturally something he desires you do as often as possible. And while this may not apply to you at all, if he perceives that in your 10 year together you have gradually "let yourself go," he may be harboring resentment that you no longer care enough about him to take care of yourself and make yourself desirable to him. And it doesn't matter if in that same decade he's gone from being a dreamboat to a gross, tub o' lard, he still associates your caring for your appearance as an indication of your love for him. Convoluted? Perhaps. But it's the way a man's mind often works.

Now, to a different, but related topic. Your husband's comments and actions indicate that he may, in fact, be feeling a little insecure about himself and his situation. Your entering nursing school may fuel within him some inner feelings of inadequacy. He may be feeling that rather than being a boon to your joint financial success, your newfound career will make you need him less. And it will put you into contact with upwardly-mobile, intelligent, attractive men who share a common interest with you. Your innocent joke may have inadvertently tossed gasoline on that fire, and his comment was his attempt to salve his singed ego by deflating yours. Also, nursing school is a big-time commitment. On some level he knows that for an extended period of time in the near future, you are going to be spending less time with him, making him less of a priority. It's only natural that would be the case, and intellectually he knows that. But emotionally, this may further add to his feelings of insecurity and abandonment. To offset this, I suggest that you reassure your husband that you're not interested in "talking shop" after a hard day's work in the medical trenches, so socializing with doctors is the last thing you'll be interested in doing. And while it's true that nursing school is going to require a time commitment on your part, your husband and your marriage are your priorities.

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.