Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Men's Dirty Little Secrets - Part 2

As promised, here is the second installment in my exposé on men’s dirty little secrets.

As I’m sure many of you know, men are visual beings. We are motivated to action and stimulated most by our sense of sight. As such, when we see something provocative it can have a profound effect on us. And by profound effect, I mean, we get an erection. It’s automatic, we think very little about it and are fairly accustomed to it, as we have regularly had to deal with this “affliction” since we were but mere lads. And all of this is pretty common knowledge to the world at large. What is less well-known, is the dirty little secret that in addition to being turned- on by unclothed women in our presence, in photos or on film, we are also aroused by the sight of naked cartoon characters. Yes, you heard me right. Jessica Rabbit doing a slow striptease will bring our blood to a boil. Hard to believe, I know, but any image, real or animated, of a fetching female form scantily clad or bare-ass naked stimulates our, uh…imagination. Of course, this revelation, though startling it may be, hardly impacts your everyday life. But it is kind of interesting, don’t you think?

But on to more serious topics – like what really gets to a guy? “Nothing,” you scowl, “Men are insensitive slobs with barely a feeling among the lot of them.” Hogwash. Men often feel very deeply, but they have just been socialized to keep their feelings to themselves at all costs or be exposed as something less than manly. And we hate that. But unfortunately for even the most stoic among us, sometimes our emotions still make a bold, unexpected dash for the surface, despite our best efforts. And thus we come to our next dirty little secret: We may have been unmoved by “Titanic,” the plight of Elian Gonzalez, or the clubbing of baby seals, but most men get misty-eyed watching “Field Of Dreams.” It’s not because of Kevin Costner or baseball – the only feelings “Bull Durham” evoked in us was lustful anticipation that Susan Sarandon would treat us to a peek at her peaks. No, this movie tugs at our heartstrings for another reason. It could be because it deals with fathers and sons and unmet expectations, redemption and forgiveness. Or maybe it’s because it takes us back to a simpler time when nothing was more satisfying than a game of catch with Dad. Or perhaps we just get all sappy at the idea of turning our backyard into a revenue-producing sports venue. Whatever the reason, the one thing you can be sure of, is that we’ll blame our tears on eye-strain, cat dander or even global warming and we’ll die before admitting that this film is our “Steel Magnolias.”

Even as I write these words, I know you may find this next revelation most distasteful of all. Nonetheless, I am bound by my desire to reveal even the most disconcerting truths about the men in your life. So here goes: One of our dirtiest, dirty little secrets is that if your mother is attractive, chances are your man has fantasized at least once about having sex with her. I can almost hear a collective “Eewww” escape your disgusted lips. But alas, it’s true. Despite what you’re comfortable believing, your mother is a woman, and as such qualifies for the same treatment we give all other women. I mean, come on, she’s not our mother. She’s yours. And maybe she even looks like a hot, older version of you. And you know how much we like having sex with you! So it only stands to reason…In any case, unseemly as it may be for us to fantasize about the woman whose womb you once called home, be comforted by the fact that we are not likely to act on our prurient flights of fancy. But if you invite your mother to come visit you and your significant other for any length of time, you might want to suggest she dress modestly and bring a long, terrycloth bathrobe. No use tempting fate.

So there it is, still more revelations from the seamy underbelly of the male mind. I hope our little journey allowed you to gain some insight without grossing you out too much (a little grossing out builds character). Perhaps at some future time, I can be convinced to revisit this subject and ‘spill the beans’ some more. I mean, there’s so much more to reveal. Maybe I should write a book about how men think. Hmmm….

© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

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