Although, as I have stated in the past, men are fairly simple creatures, there is still a side of us we try to keep to ourselves. And while it may seem we are hiding something in an effort to increase our mystique, we are, in fact, simply concealing a number of dirty little secrets that we don’t particularly want you to know. However, since you are nice enough to have taken the time to read this column, I will divulge a few of these heretofore hidden truths, so that you might have a better understanding of what’s really going on inside a man’s head (an area you may have erroneously thought was a barren wasteland).
First and foremost, you should know, that every man sees you naked (which is, not so coincidentally, the title of my most recent book). And when I say every man, I mean just that. Your brother, your dentist, your uncle, your clergyman, your father, your son, and your eighty-five-year old grandfather have all pictured you in the buff at one time or another. And whether you find it gross, disgusting, inappropriate, or downright despicable, it is still the way we’re hardwired, and like it or not, it’s not going to change. On the plus side, since we don’t actually know what you look like under your clothing, our image of you is almost always quite flattering. We men are an optimistic bunch, and therefore endow you with the best possible, most flawless features we can reasonably imagine you might possess. So regardless of what you really look like, in our mind, your body is as smokin’ hot as your relative frame allows.
Dirty secret number two is: Men don’t need romance. Ever. That is not to say we don’t do romantic things on occasion. Many of us do, with varying degrees of frequency. But for the most part, we do those things completely for you. It helps us get you in an amorous mood. And we’re all for that. But men don’t need anything, including romance, to get us in the mood for love. We’re almost perpetually “ready for action,” (and when we’re not, there’s Viagra). Soft music, low lighting, scented candles, and chocolate-dipped strawberries do little to enhance our passion. We’re kind of no-frills when it comes to getting down and getting funky. Just say you want to jump our bones, and that’s about as much romance as it takes to get us to shuck our clothes and get down to business.
I am sure that many of you have found yourself at some point in your past, asking your boyfriend where your relationship was going. And it seemed like a fair question, given that you had perhaps been dating for quite awhile. But you may have noticed that your guy seemed particularly uncomfortable when you posed this question to him. And the reason for this is dirty secret number three: When it comes to their personal relationships, men under the age of twenty-nine generally have absolutely no goals. They know they like spending time with you, enjoy having sex with you, and would like to continue doing both, but that’s as far as it goes. They have no idea “where this is going,” and more importantly, don’t particularly care. It’s not until they reach their late twenties and have what some sociologists have referred to as “the dawning,” that men think much past tomorrow when it comes to the trajectory of their intimate relationships. Apparently it just takes men longer to mature, than it does women. Big surprise there, huh?
And then there’s the matter of condoms. And while it’s no secret that a large percentage of males consider them a somewhat necessary pain-in-the-ass, it might surprise you to know that most men have no idea how to properly use one. Oh sure, they know where it goes – but that’s about the extent of their knowledge. They are blissfully unaware that just “rolling on a raincoat” only marginally reduces the possibility of pregnancy and the spread of venereal disease. Knowing exactly how and when a condom should be put on and taken off is key to their effectiveness, and most guys are clueless to this (to be fair, in this instance, guys are not trying to hide their lack of knowledge from you - they simply don't know what they don't know). And while I won’t go into specifics about the actual protocol for this contraceptive device (I’ll save that for an upcoming column), suffice it to say, condom usage is not particularly intuitive. So, since guys have generally not read anything on “the proper care and feeding of your condom” (if such a tome exists), and men are loathe to swap helpful hints on prophylactic etiquette, ignorance and thus accidental impregnation and disease dissemination proliferate. But ask a guy how to play the latest XBox 360 game and he’ll be able to give you explicitly accurate instructions. Go figure.
So there you have it - a sampling of hideous, hidden truths about the male of the species. Are there more? Absolutely. And I’ll be happy to share them with you…in my next column (It may not be much, but that’s as close to a cliffhanger as you’re going to get from me).
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.