Question: I am a woman in my mid forties and I think a 26 year-old co-worker of my husband’s wants to have sex with me. How do I know for sure? What are the signs a man gives? …Joy
Answer: First let me say, that if you suspect that a man you know wants to have sex with you, chances are you're right. For the most part, it is pretty much automatic that if a guy finds you attractive he has at least considered the possibility of having sex with you. Now, of course, if you or he are involved in other relationships, then fantasizing about exploring your "inner space" may be as far as he's willing to take it. There are, however, a large number of men who won't be in the least deterred by your seeming lack of availability, much less their own. To these guys, a wedding ring (yours or theirs) is just another piece of jewelry. It's hardly more than a tiny speed-bump on the road to your vagina.
So what are the specific signs that you are on his "to-do" list? Well, every man is different, but there certainly are some behaviors that are more or less universal to a man-with-a-mission.
1) If he goes out of his way to initiate lengthy conversation with you and seems to hang on your every word
2) If he compliments you excessively
3) If he is overtly flirtatious
4) If he guides your conversation into a provocative or sexual area
5) If he touches you frequently while talking to you
6) If he makes suggestive remarks to you that you wouldn’t feel comfortable having your husband hear
7) If he suggests you “get together” to “talk” sometime
8) If his eyes have been surveying your body like a thief trying to find your most vulnerable “point-of-entry”
Of course any of these things could be innocent, but more-often-than-not they indicate a sexually motivated agenda: He finds you attractive for any number of reasons and wants to get naked with you.
The question then becomes, “What should you do about it? Should you throw caution to the wind and go for it?” My advice would be a resounding “no.” I’ll forgo moralizing over the betrayal of your marriage vows, which may or may not be important to you. That’s between you and your conscience. On a more practical level, however, other than a short-lived “sexual high,” what’s in this for you? Twenty-six-year-old men aren’t typically interested in long-term relationships. He is likely looking for a hot, sweaty encounter with an “older” woman. Very exotic for him, but not something that will have any longevity or depth. Are you willing to risk your relationship with your husband to taste that forbidden fruit? Sure, people do it all the time (especially men), but the fallout can devastate a marriage.
But maybe you’re thinking, “If we’re careful, nobody will find out.” Good luck with that. Since you indicated he is a co-worker of your husband’s, I am not optimistic about your chances of keeping a clandestine fling secret. Your admirer’s regular workplace interaction with your husband creates an enormous risk of exposure of any covert “under-cover” work you and your lover are engaged in. And even if he and you are vigilant in your efforts not to “slip up” in front of your husband, you still have to manage to stay under the radar of that incredibly effective information super highway - the office gossip machine. This all-knowing, all-seeing, shadowy web of intelligence-gathering should never be underestimated. Their information, though often based primarily on speculation and conjecture, is still uncannily accurate, and can undermine your best efforts to “keep a lid” on your extracurricular activities. And that kind of exposure may not only jeopardize your relationship with both men, it can cause such disruption in the workplace that it could possibly lead to one or both men having to terminate their employment.
My best advice is to be flattered by the attention and let it go at that. If you give him no encouragement, he is likely to move on. Both of you will still be free to fantasize about what “could have been,” which in many cases is a lot steamier (and certainly safer) than the tawdry reality of “taking a walk on the wild side.”
© 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.