While every man is an individual and has unique and sometimes peculiar things that may irritate him or press his buttons, there are certain “pet peeves” that seem to be universal to all those outfitted with a penile appendage. In my efforts to inform you about the fundamental operation of the male mind, I would be remiss were I not to address the important topic of “What Men Hate.” The following are three things that my brethren generally find repugnant.
1) UNFAVORABLE COMPARISONS. We absolutely detest being unfavorably compared to your father, your brother, your brother-in-law, our father or male siblings, your ex, the guy who took your virginity, or any other man who’s seen you naked. Why? Because the clear implication is that, in your opinion, we are somehow deficient in some way, and that makes us feel bad about ourselves and not too good about you. If, on the other hand, the comparison is favorable, and we are lauded for our superiority over some other schlub, then feel free to compare away.
2) “HELPFUL" SUGGESTIONS ON HOW WE MIGHT IMPROVE OURSELVES. Despite what opinion you may hold, most men are fairly happy with who they are. And though you may look in the mirror and see only your flaws, we see our reflections and are generally content with what we behold. So your attempts to “make us over” leave us baffled and annoyed. And this behavior also begs the question why you hooked up with us in the first place, if you were so unhappy with who we were. And if you’re feeling that we’re being overly sensitive in handling your constructive criticism, think how you would react to helpful suggestions on how you might upgrade your body or improve your sense of style. The bottom line is this: Find a man who satisfies whatever criteria you may have, but don’t expect to help him “be all he can be.” If you’re looking for a “fixer-upper,” invest in real estate.
3) THE PHRASE,"YOU SHOULD KNOW WHY I'M UPSET." We don’t. And we shouldn’t, since we can’t read your mind, and for the most part are oblivious to any hidden meaning or subtext in your communication. If you’re angry with us and we don’t know why, it does not mean we don’t care about you or your feelings, or are too self-absorbed to pay attention to what is going on with you. The fact is, we’d love to know what has caused you to become unhappy with us, so that we can at least consider making amends. And your unwillingness to illuminate us is both frustrating and counter-productive. Remember, men are generally not particularly intuitive, and we need to be told things in a very direct manner – subtlety is completely lost on us. So next time your significant other inquires about the icy treatment you’re giving him, help facilitate the thaw and tell him point-blank what’s on your mind. At least then there’s the possibility that you’ll be able to satisfactorily resolve things and get back to what’s really important in the relationship…makeup sex.
The above is merely the tip of the iceberg, and offers only a preliminary look at the things men despise. It does, however, offer a little insight into what behaviors to avoid in order to encourage a harmonious relationship. Conversely, the information could also be used to effectively annoy the hell out of your guy when you feel he deserves it. But that would just be manipulative and mean. And guys really hate that.
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Men on the Rebound
When I use the words “men” and “rebound” in the same sentence, male minds might quickly conjure up thoughts of their favorite NBA teams. Women, however, understand that I am addressing the phenomenon of rushing into a new relationship after the dissolution of an old one. And while men aren’t the only ones guilty of this relationship ricochet, they are, by far, the most-likely to engage in this particular type of reactionary behavior.
So what causes men to so quickly move from a break-up with you to the arms of another woman? Understandably, you might think it has to do with him not being particularly invested in his relationship with you. You could easily believe the rapidity of his action indicates he isn’t at all broken up about your break-up; that he had no deep feelings for you and he cavalierly is humming to himself, “Another One Bites The Dust.” Those assumptions would be perfectly reasonable. They would, however, be completely wrong. You see, when men actually emotionally invest in a relationship, their feelings (whether they show it or not) run as deeply as your own. So when their relationship crumbles before them, it causes a huge emotional void. But unlike you, men don’t have the social support network to buoy them up in their time of pain and sadness. They can’t cry to their friends, seeks solace from their mothers, or drown their feelings in a bucket of “Chunky Monkey.” If they thought that kind behavior would be acceptable, they might engage in it. But men are all too aware that stoicism, soldiering on, and “walking it off” are fundamental guidelines in the male handbook, and breaching these would cause them to be a target of ridicule, pity and serious lampooning from their male “comrades-in-arms.”
So what’s a guy to do? He’s hurting, but he can’t tell anyone. And grieving and wallowing in private are likely to only lead to consuming mass quantities of Jim Beam, to dull his pain. Thus, he realizes, with such limited options available, he must speedily move to contain his about-to-erupt emotions by filling the vacuum created by the demise of his previous relationship. And how does he do this? By seeking out someone else to focus his attention on, both emotional and sexual. And the sooner, the better, for it is this new woman who heals his wounds by allowing him to step back into the comfortable, acceptable space of being the tough, unruffled, man that he is supposed to be. She facilitates his return to a state of being where he can once again feel masculine and in control of himself and his emotions. Order is restored and all is right with the world again.
Thus, it can be stated that the speed in which a man moves from a bitter break-up to a new amorous attachment is directly proportional to the pain he’s feeling: The deeper the hurt the quicker the hook-up. So if you see your ex in the arms of another within days of your break-up, don’t write him off as a horny, uncaring, slime-bucket. Instead, recognize that he was deeply hurt by the end of your relationship and is doing the best he can to mend his broken heart. Then, with that understanding in place, it is perfectly reasonable to go home and cut his head out of all the photos of him you own, and incinerate them in your barbecue. Hey, he deals with his pain one way, you deal with yours another. Who’s to judge?
(C)2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
So what causes men to so quickly move from a break-up with you to the arms of another woman? Understandably, you might think it has to do with him not being particularly invested in his relationship with you. You could easily believe the rapidity of his action indicates he isn’t at all broken up about your break-up; that he had no deep feelings for you and he cavalierly is humming to himself, “Another One Bites The Dust.” Those assumptions would be perfectly reasonable. They would, however, be completely wrong. You see, when men actually emotionally invest in a relationship, their feelings (whether they show it or not) run as deeply as your own. So when their relationship crumbles before them, it causes a huge emotional void. But unlike you, men don’t have the social support network to buoy them up in their time of pain and sadness. They can’t cry to their friends, seeks solace from their mothers, or drown their feelings in a bucket of “Chunky Monkey.” If they thought that kind behavior would be acceptable, they might engage in it. But men are all too aware that stoicism, soldiering on, and “walking it off” are fundamental guidelines in the male handbook, and breaching these would cause them to be a target of ridicule, pity and serious lampooning from their male “comrades-in-arms.”
So what’s a guy to do? He’s hurting, but he can’t tell anyone. And grieving and wallowing in private are likely to only lead to consuming mass quantities of Jim Beam, to dull his pain. Thus, he realizes, with such limited options available, he must speedily move to contain his about-to-erupt emotions by filling the vacuum created by the demise of his previous relationship. And how does he do this? By seeking out someone else to focus his attention on, both emotional and sexual. And the sooner, the better, for it is this new woman who heals his wounds by allowing him to step back into the comfortable, acceptable space of being the tough, unruffled, man that he is supposed to be. She facilitates his return to a state of being where he can once again feel masculine and in control of himself and his emotions. Order is restored and all is right with the world again.
Thus, it can be stated that the speed in which a man moves from a bitter break-up to a new amorous attachment is directly proportional to the pain he’s feeling: The deeper the hurt the quicker the hook-up. So if you see your ex in the arms of another within days of your break-up, don’t write him off as a horny, uncaring, slime-bucket. Instead, recognize that he was deeply hurt by the end of your relationship and is doing the best he can to mend his broken heart. Then, with that understanding in place, it is perfectly reasonable to go home and cut his head out of all the photos of him you own, and incinerate them in your barbecue. Hey, he deals with his pain one way, you deal with yours another. Who’s to judge?
(C)2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Online Dating Dilemma
Question: This gentleman expressed interest in me via email and we began emailing to get to know each other. 3 weeks into the emails – we decided to meet. The night before our “date” – his Dad had a heart attack…needless to say the date was cancelled. We continued emailing for a couple more weeks and talking about meeting but he was different and then he just said he couldn’t do this anymore. He said it wasn’t anything I did…did he just run away…was it dealing with family issues? I just don’t know and it really shook my confidence because we had gotten very close thru our emails. Thoughts? ...Robin
Answer: From what you have told me, I see two possible reasons for your gentleman friend to have acted the way he did: 1) His whole world was thrown into an uproar because of his father’s heart attack, which caused him to re-evaluate his life, loves, career and direction. Unable to come to terms with the sudden emotional upheaval in his life, he decided to withdraw from interpersonal interaction until he could “put the pieces back together” and make sense of his current situation and his future; or 2) He enjoyed your online relationship/flirtation, but was either afraid of or uninterested in taking it to “the next level.”
Of course, both are reasonable explanations – two perfectly plausible motivations that precipitated his actions. That said, if I were a betting man (which, by the way, I am), I’d be going “all-in” on reason number 2. Why? Because I find it a bit too coincidental that his father’s heart attack occurred the night before you two were supposed to meet. Sure, it may have happened, but I believe the timing is a bit suspect. It seems far more likely that he came up with a very strong excuse to cancel your date, and then realizing that re-scheduling was an inevitability, decided to make himself scarce before he had to once again deal with actually meeting you in person.
But why would he act that way, when online he seemed so interesting and interested? Well, there are several possibilities. Perhaps he is not what he represented himself to be. Online, he could be handsome, tall, and athletic – the perfect male specimen. In person, he might be three hundred pounds, missing a few teeth, and reeking of body order and Old Spice. Online, he could be witty, insightful, and articulate. In the flesh, he could be painfully awkward, unable to string together a cogent sentence, let alone participate in meaningful conversation. Other possibilities abound. He may be significantly older or younger than he let on. He may be married or otherwise involved, and online romance is fine (in his mind, anyway), but actually meeting you is “crossing the line.” He may be having these kind of communications with many different women and is completely fulfilled by his email adventures. He may be in prison. Or he may not even be a man. The bottom line is this: Online relationships allow the participants to be whoever they want to be. In person, you are who you are. I believe that, for whatever reason, he just didn’t want you to see who he really was. Of course the irony of it all is that had he been honest with you from the start, perhaps you would have been just as attracted to the man as he actually was, warts and all. Unfortunately, you and he will never know.
On a positive note (I always try to find one – cockeyed optimist that I am), this truly appears to be a case of “it’s not you, it’s me.” It doesn’t seem like you said or did anything wrong. Thus, there is absolutely no reason to beat yourself up or lose one iota of self-confidence. He ran away – not from you, but from the truth. And that’s not your fault; it’s his…and his loss, as well.
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Answer: From what you have told me, I see two possible reasons for your gentleman friend to have acted the way he did: 1) His whole world was thrown into an uproar because of his father’s heart attack, which caused him to re-evaluate his life, loves, career and direction. Unable to come to terms with the sudden emotional upheaval in his life, he decided to withdraw from interpersonal interaction until he could “put the pieces back together” and make sense of his current situation and his future; or 2) He enjoyed your online relationship/flirtation, but was either afraid of or uninterested in taking it to “the next level.”
Of course, both are reasonable explanations – two perfectly plausible motivations that precipitated his actions. That said, if I were a betting man (which, by the way, I am), I’d be going “all-in” on reason number 2. Why? Because I find it a bit too coincidental that his father’s heart attack occurred the night before you two were supposed to meet. Sure, it may have happened, but I believe the timing is a bit suspect. It seems far more likely that he came up with a very strong excuse to cancel your date, and then realizing that re-scheduling was an inevitability, decided to make himself scarce before he had to once again deal with actually meeting you in person.
But why would he act that way, when online he seemed so interesting and interested? Well, there are several possibilities. Perhaps he is not what he represented himself to be. Online, he could be handsome, tall, and athletic – the perfect male specimen. In person, he might be three hundred pounds, missing a few teeth, and reeking of body order and Old Spice. Online, he could be witty, insightful, and articulate. In the flesh, he could be painfully awkward, unable to string together a cogent sentence, let alone participate in meaningful conversation. Other possibilities abound. He may be significantly older or younger than he let on. He may be married or otherwise involved, and online romance is fine (in his mind, anyway), but actually meeting you is “crossing the line.” He may be having these kind of communications with many different women and is completely fulfilled by his email adventures. He may be in prison. Or he may not even be a man. The bottom line is this: Online relationships allow the participants to be whoever they want to be. In person, you are who you are. I believe that, for whatever reason, he just didn’t want you to see who he really was. Of course the irony of it all is that had he been honest with you from the start, perhaps you would have been just as attracted to the man as he actually was, warts and all. Unfortunately, you and he will never know.
On a positive note (I always try to find one – cockeyed optimist that I am), this truly appears to be a case of “it’s not you, it’s me.” It doesn’t seem like you said or did anything wrong. Thus, there is absolutely no reason to beat yourself up or lose one iota of self-confidence. He ran away – not from you, but from the truth. And that’s not your fault; it’s his…and his loss, as well.
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Monday, December 8, 2008
What Men Don't Know About Condoms Can Kill You
Several weeks ago I wrote a column on “Men’s Dirty Little Secrets” and spilled the beans on the fact that most men don’t know much about condoms, except that they’re a mood-killer, sensation-duller, and overall huge pain-in-the-ass. At that time, I didn’t elaborate, but judging from your emails, I piqued a number of readers’ curiosity. Thus, I am responding with a short treatise on “The Proper Care and Feeding of a Prophylactic.”
Before I begin, however, I want to address a few questions that might understandably be crossing your mind, such as: “Why is he giving instructions to women on condom usage? Shouldn’t he be giving this info to men? Don’t we have enough birth control methods to be in charge of - can’t guys be responsible for one thing?” All fair questions, to be sure. But the bottom line on this subject is: Despite readily-available instructions, guys are woefully unaware of their lack of knowledge in this arena. And if men are ignorant about how to properly apply, use, remove and dispose of a condom, women are the ones who are going to unwittingly pay the price. And with the price being unwanted pregnancy or contraction of a potentially-fatal disease, the need for you to be educated becomes imperative. It may not be your job, but if your guy is ill-informed or clueless, you will still have to endure the consequences.
The first thing to know about condoms is that they were not originally developed to stop pregnancy. In fact, when they came into existence, their mission was to stop the spread of STDs which were apparently running rampant in certain parts of “civilized society.” Their usage as a contraceptive device didn’t come into play until more than a century later when scientists finally figured out that providing a barrier to those sneaky, resourceful little spermatozoa bastards could effectively limit the number of legitimate and illegitimate offspring who would ultimately be fighting tooth and nail for their share of said sperm producer’s estate. And so it was, that this pesky penis protector, then made of animal intestines, found its way into the hearts, minds and vaginas of our sexually-active ancestors.
But that’s enough digression. Let’s talk about modern condoms and their usage. As you know, when used correctly, today’s latex condoms are touted to be about ninety-seven percent effective as a contraceptive device and offer one of the best defenses against STDs this side of keeping your legs tightly crossed (animal skin condoms, while purportedly offering similar pregnancy protection and more sensation to the male, are a less effective method of stemming the flow of organisms that cause sexually transmitted diseases). So how are these condoms properly used?
1)Always check the expiration date on the condom, something guys generally neglect. While sometimes difficult to do in the heat and low-light of passionate encounters, it is nonetheless vital to the process of effective usage. I mean, you wouldn’t drink expired milk, and the worst that could cause is gastro-intestinal distress. Expired condoms can cause babies and death (a bit dramatic, but still true). 2)The condom needs to be put on before any close encounters with your lower lips. The pre-ejaculate fluid that loiters at the penis tip early on in the erectile process can contain sperm and transmittable microbes if your partner is STD-infected. So “no rubbin’ without a rubber.”
3)The penis needs to be erect before you cloak it in a condom. If your guy optimistically wrapped his manhood before he even picked you up for dinner, demand he re-apply a brand new one (the old one may have been compromised and why take the chance) when he is at “full attention.”
4)Take the new, unexpired, condom out of its packaging. Squeeze the tip, to force out any accumulated air and create a space for the seminal fluid that will certainly be forthcoming (Do this even if the condom is manufactured with a “receptacle tip,” and especially if it is not). Failure to provide adequate room for the impending geyser, significantly increases the likelihood of condom breakage. That spurt of “manseed” has to go somewhere, after all. And if a proper “holding area” hasn’t been created, the expelled semen may actually bust through the latex, making a mess, both literally and figuratively. 5)Next, smooth the condom all the way down the penis. The condom is like a homeowner’s insurance policy, and you’re looking for complete coverage. Why? Because once you get to bumpin’ and grindin’ you want to make sure that sucker is firmly anchored in place, and the more grip-able surface, the better. 6)Now to the matter of lubrication. Those of you who have read my book, “Every Man Sees You Naked,” already know what a lubrication advocate I am. And plentiful lubrication when using a condom is absolutely essential. I am not talking about the warm, organic fluid that naturally moistens your vagina and indicates arousal and penetration-preparedness. I am talking about the kind of lubricant you purchase with mild discomfort at Walgreens, all the while hoping you don’t run into your boss, your elderly aunt, or your pastor. This lubricant should be water-soluble, like KY Jelly or Astroglide. Lotions, butter, or petroleum-based products should never be used with condoms, as their chemical reaction with latex may compromise the condom’s structural integrity. In other words, avoid these unless you want to get knocked-up or infected. Why lubricant? Because sexual activity creates friction and friction can rub you and your condom the wrong way. And though you may only suffer a little soreness, too much friction can increase the risk of condom breakage (Hey, maybe they should make these things out of something a little more durable – like titanium, perhaps). In any case, the more lubrication, the less friction. The less friction, the more effective the condom usage. And it goes without saying; the lubricant goes ON THE OUTSIDE of the condom. Lubricate the inside, and you may later find yourself on a scavenger hunt of your womb.
7)Now a quick word about spermicides. Use of this stealthy sperm assassin can enhance the contraceptive effectiveness of the condom. It may be discreetly purchased online or at your local drug store. And some condoms are even “pre-lubed” with a spermicidal agent…a definite plus. Whatever your choice, if you’re serious about putting off parenthood, a spermicide is an effective complement to other contraceptive measures.
8)So he properly put on his non-expired condom prior to contact with your private parts. He glazed his completely-sheathed erection with the recommended lubricant and then (finally) insinuated himself inside your hospitable environment. Then you two went at it like rabbits. Now, if you don’t want to have bunnies in your future, there is still one more thing he needs to do. Very soon after he has had his orgasm, he must grip the condom at the base, near his testicles, and carefully extricate himself from the warmth of your loins. In plain English, he should cum and go. You see, as soon as your guy ejaculates, he begins to slowly (and sometimes not-so-slowly) lose his erection. This gradual “shrinkage” causes the condom to fit less snuggly and allows for the contained seminal fluid to begin slithering down his shaft and out the bottom of the condom. And if your man is still imbedded in you, all his escaping swimmers may breaststroke their way into your lower passage, searching ever vigilantly for a receptive egg to cozy up to. And you don’t want that to happen, right? So, gently but firmly, insist he “vacate your premises” (your vagina, not your house) soon after he’s done his thing. 9)Once he’s safely withdrawn, he should dispose of his condom in the trash. Suggest to him that he not flush it down the toilet, as it may clog your pipes (and not in a good way). He then should wash all remaining remnants of his “love-juice” off his member before rejoining you in bed to revel in the afterglow (still keeping his penis and your vagina at arm’s length, lest a few stray but potent drops of his discharge be lurking at his penile tip, ready to make their assault on your now unprotected womanhood).
So there it is. Everything you and your guy need to know about how to properly protect both of you from unwanted pregnancy and the spread of nasty illnesses. And although you may think he already knows all this, if he uses a condom and doesn’t strictly adhere to all of the above-mentioned procedures, he really is putting both of you at risk. But if you don’t feel comfortable broaching the subject with him, feel free to literally take matters into your own hands. You can then turn applying, “lubing,” and removing his condom into a sexy, positive experience. He’ll likely appreciate your efforts without ever realizing that your motivation was his lack of knowledge. You protected his ego and your health. And what could be better than that?
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Before I begin, however, I want to address a few questions that might understandably be crossing your mind, such as: “Why is he giving instructions to women on condom usage? Shouldn’t he be giving this info to men? Don’t we have enough birth control methods to be in charge of - can’t guys be responsible for one thing?” All fair questions, to be sure. But the bottom line on this subject is: Despite readily-available instructions, guys are woefully unaware of their lack of knowledge in this arena. And if men are ignorant about how to properly apply, use, remove and dispose of a condom, women are the ones who are going to unwittingly pay the price. And with the price being unwanted pregnancy or contraction of a potentially-fatal disease, the need for you to be educated becomes imperative. It may not be your job, but if your guy is ill-informed or clueless, you will still have to endure the consequences.
The first thing to know about condoms is that they were not originally developed to stop pregnancy. In fact, when they came into existence, their mission was to stop the spread of STDs which were apparently running rampant in certain parts of “civilized society.” Their usage as a contraceptive device didn’t come into play until more than a century later when scientists finally figured out that providing a barrier to those sneaky, resourceful little spermatozoa bastards could effectively limit the number of legitimate and illegitimate offspring who would ultimately be fighting tooth and nail for their share of said sperm producer’s estate. And so it was, that this pesky penis protector, then made of animal intestines, found its way into the hearts, minds and vaginas of our sexually-active ancestors.
But that’s enough digression. Let’s talk about modern condoms and their usage. As you know, when used correctly, today’s latex condoms are touted to be about ninety-seven percent effective as a contraceptive device and offer one of the best defenses against STDs this side of keeping your legs tightly crossed (animal skin condoms, while purportedly offering similar pregnancy protection and more sensation to the male, are a less effective method of stemming the flow of organisms that cause sexually transmitted diseases). So how are these condoms properly used?
1)Always check the expiration date on the condom, something guys generally neglect. While sometimes difficult to do in the heat and low-light of passionate encounters, it is nonetheless vital to the process of effective usage. I mean, you wouldn’t drink expired milk, and the worst that could cause is gastro-intestinal distress. Expired condoms can cause babies and death (a bit dramatic, but still true). 2)The condom needs to be put on before any close encounters with your lower lips. The pre-ejaculate fluid that loiters at the penis tip early on in the erectile process can contain sperm and transmittable microbes if your partner is STD-infected. So “no rubbin’ without a rubber.”
3)The penis needs to be erect before you cloak it in a condom. If your guy optimistically wrapped his manhood before he even picked you up for dinner, demand he re-apply a brand new one (the old one may have been compromised and why take the chance) when he is at “full attention.”
4)Take the new, unexpired, condom out of its packaging. Squeeze the tip, to force out any accumulated air and create a space for the seminal fluid that will certainly be forthcoming (Do this even if the condom is manufactured with a “receptacle tip,” and especially if it is not). Failure to provide adequate room for the impending geyser, significantly increases the likelihood of condom breakage. That spurt of “manseed” has to go somewhere, after all. And if a proper “holding area” hasn’t been created, the expelled semen may actually bust through the latex, making a mess, both literally and figuratively. 5)Next, smooth the condom all the way down the penis. The condom is like a homeowner’s insurance policy, and you’re looking for complete coverage. Why? Because once you get to bumpin’ and grindin’ you want to make sure that sucker is firmly anchored in place, and the more grip-able surface, the better. 6)Now to the matter of lubrication. Those of you who have read my book, “Every Man Sees You Naked,” already know what a lubrication advocate I am. And plentiful lubrication when using a condom is absolutely essential. I am not talking about the warm, organic fluid that naturally moistens your vagina and indicates arousal and penetration-preparedness. I am talking about the kind of lubricant you purchase with mild discomfort at Walgreens, all the while hoping you don’t run into your boss, your elderly aunt, or your pastor. This lubricant should be water-soluble, like KY Jelly or Astroglide. Lotions, butter, or petroleum-based products should never be used with condoms, as their chemical reaction with latex may compromise the condom’s structural integrity. In other words, avoid these unless you want to get knocked-up or infected. Why lubricant? Because sexual activity creates friction and friction can rub you and your condom the wrong way. And though you may only suffer a little soreness, too much friction can increase the risk of condom breakage (Hey, maybe they should make these things out of something a little more durable – like titanium, perhaps). In any case, the more lubrication, the less friction. The less friction, the more effective the condom usage. And it goes without saying; the lubricant goes ON THE OUTSIDE of the condom. Lubricate the inside, and you may later find yourself on a scavenger hunt of your womb.
7)Now a quick word about spermicides. Use of this stealthy sperm assassin can enhance the contraceptive effectiveness of the condom. It may be discreetly purchased online or at your local drug store. And some condoms are even “pre-lubed” with a spermicidal agent…a definite plus. Whatever your choice, if you’re serious about putting off parenthood, a spermicide is an effective complement to other contraceptive measures.
8)So he properly put on his non-expired condom prior to contact with your private parts. He glazed his completely-sheathed erection with the recommended lubricant and then (finally) insinuated himself inside your hospitable environment. Then you two went at it like rabbits. Now, if you don’t want to have bunnies in your future, there is still one more thing he needs to do. Very soon after he has had his orgasm, he must grip the condom at the base, near his testicles, and carefully extricate himself from the warmth of your loins. In plain English, he should cum and go. You see, as soon as your guy ejaculates, he begins to slowly (and sometimes not-so-slowly) lose his erection. This gradual “shrinkage” causes the condom to fit less snuggly and allows for the contained seminal fluid to begin slithering down his shaft and out the bottom of the condom. And if your man is still imbedded in you, all his escaping swimmers may breaststroke their way into your lower passage, searching ever vigilantly for a receptive egg to cozy up to. And you don’t want that to happen, right? So, gently but firmly, insist he “vacate your premises” (your vagina, not your house) soon after he’s done his thing. 9)Once he’s safely withdrawn, he should dispose of his condom in the trash. Suggest to him that he not flush it down the toilet, as it may clog your pipes (and not in a good way). He then should wash all remaining remnants of his “love-juice” off his member before rejoining you in bed to revel in the afterglow (still keeping his penis and your vagina at arm’s length, lest a few stray but potent drops of his discharge be lurking at his penile tip, ready to make their assault on your now unprotected womanhood).
So there it is. Everything you and your guy need to know about how to properly protect both of you from unwanted pregnancy and the spread of nasty illnesses. And although you may think he already knows all this, if he uses a condom and doesn’t strictly adhere to all of the above-mentioned procedures, he really is putting both of you at risk. But if you don’t feel comfortable broaching the subject with him, feel free to literally take matters into your own hands. You can then turn applying, “lubing,” and removing his condom into a sexy, positive experience. He’ll likely appreciate your efforts without ever realizing that your motivation was his lack of knowledge. You protected his ego and your health. And what could be better than that?
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Men And Breasts
Let’s talk about breasts. Most guys love to, so why should I be any different? Like it or not, this anatomical accoutrement receives more than its fair share of attention from the male of the species. And while someone with a doctorate might be able to explain the underlying psychological motivation, the simple truth is that men love boobs.
“Duh,” you say, “Every woman knows of men’s almost obsessive surveillance of this particular part of the female topography. Tell me something I don’t know.” Okay, I will. Regardless of what you believe, men don’t just love big breasts. We love ‘em all: Large, small, medium, extra-large, firm, floppy, perky and pendulous. All boobs are welcome. And regardless of their size, the more we see of them the happier we are. Hence, we are ecstatic about the current padded, pushed-up, on-display style bras which go out of their way to showcase whatever you’ve got.
Now this is not to say that a man won’t be wowed by a particularly prominent set of boobs. To be truthful, most will - because larger objects tend to more easily catch our attention. Nonetheless, we are still almost fanatical in our affections for more modest endowments. And if we spy even the slightest hint of nipple, regardless of the fullness of flesh of the surrounding neighborhood, we’re happy as clams. It’s not unlike many women’s fascination with diamonds. Big ones catch your attention and may cause a chorus of “oohs” and “ahhs,” but a smaller-caratted cut of equal brilliance will still illicit its fair share of complements – since you have an enthusiastic appreciation of diamonds in general. But the similarity ends there, because even though your love of diamonds is only equaled by your disdain for cubic zirconia and other “fakes,” we feel no similar animosity toward breasts that aren’t 100 percent original equipment. Spruce ‘em up, plump ‘em out, enhance or condense ‘em, we’ll love those puppies as if they were just the way nature made ‘em. What can I say, when it comes to breasts, we’re very accommodating.
So what does all this mean? Simply put - regardless of what you have on your chest, men will be craning their necks to get a peek, or dare we dream – a grope. Such is the allure of your boobs. They are the mountains, hills or speed bumps at which we worship, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. So don’t spend a lot of time being concerned about what you have or haven’t got in the boob department. As far as we’re concerned, as long as they’re less-hairy than what we have, they’re sure to appeal to our simple tastes. And it is a bad pun, but nonetheless heartfelt, that on behalf of men everywhere, I say, “thanks for the mammaries.”
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
“Duh,” you say, “Every woman knows of men’s almost obsessive surveillance of this particular part of the female topography. Tell me something I don’t know.” Okay, I will. Regardless of what you believe, men don’t just love big breasts. We love ‘em all: Large, small, medium, extra-large, firm, floppy, perky and pendulous. All boobs are welcome. And regardless of their size, the more we see of them the happier we are. Hence, we are ecstatic about the current padded, pushed-up, on-display style bras which go out of their way to showcase whatever you’ve got.
Now this is not to say that a man won’t be wowed by a particularly prominent set of boobs. To be truthful, most will - because larger objects tend to more easily catch our attention. Nonetheless, we are still almost fanatical in our affections for more modest endowments. And if we spy even the slightest hint of nipple, regardless of the fullness of flesh of the surrounding neighborhood, we’re happy as clams. It’s not unlike many women’s fascination with diamonds. Big ones catch your attention and may cause a chorus of “oohs” and “ahhs,” but a smaller-caratted cut of equal brilliance will still illicit its fair share of complements – since you have an enthusiastic appreciation of diamonds in general. But the similarity ends there, because even though your love of diamonds is only equaled by your disdain for cubic zirconia and other “fakes,” we feel no similar animosity toward breasts that aren’t 100 percent original equipment. Spruce ‘em up, plump ‘em out, enhance or condense ‘em, we’ll love those puppies as if they were just the way nature made ‘em. What can I say, when it comes to breasts, we’re very accommodating.
So what does all this mean? Simply put - regardless of what you have on your chest, men will be craning their necks to get a peek, or dare we dream – a grope. Such is the allure of your boobs. They are the mountains, hills or speed bumps at which we worship, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. So don’t spend a lot of time being concerned about what you have or haven’t got in the boob department. As far as we’re concerned, as long as they’re less-hairy than what we have, they’re sure to appeal to our simple tastes. And it is a bad pun, but nonetheless heartfelt, that on behalf of men everywhere, I say, “thanks for the mammaries.”
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Men's Dirty Little Secrets - Part 2
As promised, here is the second installment in my exposé on men’s dirty little secrets.
As I’m sure many of you know, men are visual beings. We are motivated to action and stimulated most by our sense of sight. As such, when we see something provocative it can have a profound effect on us. And by profound effect, I mean, we get an erection. It’s automatic, we think very little about it and are fairly accustomed to it, as we have regularly had to deal with this “affliction” since we were but mere lads. And all of this is pretty common knowledge to the world at large. What is less well-known, is the dirty little secret that in addition to being turned- on by unclothed women in our presence, in photos or on film, we are also aroused by the sight of naked cartoon characters. Yes, you heard me right. Jessica Rabbit doing a slow striptease will bring our blood to a boil. Hard to believe, I know, but any image, real or animated, of a fetching female form scantily clad or bare-ass naked stimulates our, uh…imagination. Of course, this revelation, though startling it may be, hardly impacts your everyday life. But it is kind of interesting, don’t you think?
But on to more serious topics – like what really gets to a guy? “Nothing,” you scowl, “Men are insensitive slobs with barely a feeling among the lot of them.” Hogwash. Men often feel very deeply, but they have just been socialized to keep their feelings to themselves at all costs or be exposed as something less than manly. And we hate that. But unfortunately for even the most stoic among us, sometimes our emotions still make a bold, unexpected dash for the surface, despite our best efforts. And thus we come to our next dirty little secret: We may have been unmoved by “Titanic,” the plight of Elian Gonzalez, or the clubbing of baby seals, but most men get misty-eyed watching “Field Of Dreams.” It’s not because of Kevin Costner or baseball – the only feelings “Bull Durham” evoked in us was lustful anticipation that Susan Sarandon would treat us to a peek at her peaks. No, this movie tugs at our heartstrings for another reason. It could be because it deals with fathers and sons and unmet expectations, redemption and forgiveness. Or maybe it’s because it takes us back to a simpler time when nothing was more satisfying than a game of catch with Dad. Or perhaps we just get all sappy at the idea of turning our backyard into a revenue-producing sports venue. Whatever the reason, the one thing you can be sure of, is that we’ll blame our tears on eye-strain, cat dander or even global warming and we’ll die before admitting that this film is our “Steel Magnolias.”
Even as I write these words, I know you may find this next revelation most distasteful of all. Nonetheless, I am bound by my desire to reveal even the most disconcerting truths about the men in your life. So here goes: One of our dirtiest, dirty little secrets is that if your mother is attractive, chances are your man has fantasized at least once about having sex with her. I can almost hear a collective “Eewww” escape your disgusted lips. But alas, it’s true. Despite what you’re comfortable believing, your mother is a woman, and as such qualifies for the same treatment we give all other women. I mean, come on, she’s not our mother. She’s yours. And maybe she even looks like a hot, older version of you. And you know how much we like having sex with you! So it only stands to reason…In any case, unseemly as it may be for us to fantasize about the woman whose womb you once called home, be comforted by the fact that we are not likely to act on our prurient flights of fancy. But if you invite your mother to come visit you and your significant other for any length of time, you might want to suggest she dress modestly and bring a long, terrycloth bathrobe. No use tempting fate.
So there it is, still more revelations from the seamy underbelly of the male mind. I hope our little journey allowed you to gain some insight without grossing you out too much (a little grossing out builds character). Perhaps at some future time, I can be convinced to revisit this subject and ‘spill the beans’ some more. I mean, there’s so much more to reveal. Maybe I should write a book about how men think. Hmmm….
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
As I’m sure many of you know, men are visual beings. We are motivated to action and stimulated most by our sense of sight. As such, when we see something provocative it can have a profound effect on us. And by profound effect, I mean, we get an erection. It’s automatic, we think very little about it and are fairly accustomed to it, as we have regularly had to deal with this “affliction” since we were but mere lads. And all of this is pretty common knowledge to the world at large. What is less well-known, is the dirty little secret that in addition to being turned- on by unclothed women in our presence, in photos or on film, we are also aroused by the sight of naked cartoon characters. Yes, you heard me right. Jessica Rabbit doing a slow striptease will bring our blood to a boil. Hard to believe, I know, but any image, real or animated, of a fetching female form scantily clad or bare-ass naked stimulates our, uh…imagination. Of course, this revelation, though startling it may be, hardly impacts your everyday life. But it is kind of interesting, don’t you think?
But on to more serious topics – like what really gets to a guy? “Nothing,” you scowl, “Men are insensitive slobs with barely a feeling among the lot of them.” Hogwash. Men often feel very deeply, but they have just been socialized to keep their feelings to themselves at all costs or be exposed as something less than manly. And we hate that. But unfortunately for even the most stoic among us, sometimes our emotions still make a bold, unexpected dash for the surface, despite our best efforts. And thus we come to our next dirty little secret: We may have been unmoved by “Titanic,” the plight of Elian Gonzalez, or the clubbing of baby seals, but most men get misty-eyed watching “Field Of Dreams.” It’s not because of Kevin Costner or baseball – the only feelings “Bull Durham” evoked in us was lustful anticipation that Susan Sarandon would treat us to a peek at her peaks. No, this movie tugs at our heartstrings for another reason. It could be because it deals with fathers and sons and unmet expectations, redemption and forgiveness. Or maybe it’s because it takes us back to a simpler time when nothing was more satisfying than a game of catch with Dad. Or perhaps we just get all sappy at the idea of turning our backyard into a revenue-producing sports venue. Whatever the reason, the one thing you can be sure of, is that we’ll blame our tears on eye-strain, cat dander or even global warming and we’ll die before admitting that this film is our “Steel Magnolias.”
Even as I write these words, I know you may find this next revelation most distasteful of all. Nonetheless, I am bound by my desire to reveal even the most disconcerting truths about the men in your life. So here goes: One of our dirtiest, dirty little secrets is that if your mother is attractive, chances are your man has fantasized at least once about having sex with her. I can almost hear a collective “Eewww” escape your disgusted lips. But alas, it’s true. Despite what you’re comfortable believing, your mother is a woman, and as such qualifies for the same treatment we give all other women. I mean, come on, she’s not our mother. She’s yours. And maybe she even looks like a hot, older version of you. And you know how much we like having sex with you! So it only stands to reason…In any case, unseemly as it may be for us to fantasize about the woman whose womb you once called home, be comforted by the fact that we are not likely to act on our prurient flights of fancy. But if you invite your mother to come visit you and your significant other for any length of time, you might want to suggest she dress modestly and bring a long, terrycloth bathrobe. No use tempting fate.
So there it is, still more revelations from the seamy underbelly of the male mind. I hope our little journey allowed you to gain some insight without grossing you out too much (a little grossing out builds character). Perhaps at some future time, I can be convinced to revisit this subject and ‘spill the beans’ some more. I mean, there’s so much more to reveal. Maybe I should write a book about how men think. Hmmm….
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
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